Make or break

Saturday was one of those make or break days, it was one of those days that leaves you feeling like a failure even though the failure is not entirely yours.

But maybe I should explain.

All week I had been feeling like I was on the verge losing and I just couldn't figure it out, well Saturday cleared that up. I had gotten so involved in the fight to save something that I had realised months ago wasn't working, that I'd actually lost myself in it. I was trying so hard to be what someone else wanted me to be, that I was getting further and further away from where I really was.
In short I've been lying to myself and I guess I finally couldn't anymore.
And thats where the sense of loss was coming from. You see I've been "seeing" someone (LOL, yes, one of the myriad of men in my life) for about 6 months now and as far back as April I had realised something was not right, that as much as I loved being with him, and how he made me feel some of the time, the rest of the time he left me feeling not good enough, like I could never measure up to what he wanted and who he wanted me to be. And instead of walking away then, I foolishly agreed to taking a break and starting over, trying to rebuild what had started out as something promising.

Well Saturday was the final straw, he made me feel inadequate for the very last time, I finally walked away, actually no, I never walked away, I kicked him out and told him not to bother contacting me again.

Yep, I finally got it, I finally realised that if he can't accept ground rules and the fact that I had asked for them, if he can't accept that I'm still learning and growing into me and keeps insisting on trying to make me into something I'm not ready to be, then I'm better off just letting go.

I could, I guess look at this as another failure because thats how I felt on Saturday afternoon, another time where I was just not good enough but you know something I'm not, I have decided that this was just another step on the learning curve I'm on and that I'm one step closer to me.