*Smile* Randomness

I wrote this on Saturday morning while I lay in bed watching the rain and loving every moment of a storm that left me feeling alive again. . . . . . . . Finally



I've been having real difficulty this last week or so dealing with something from my past that has popped up again. The fact that it sent me into such a tail spin surprised me somewhat since this is something I thought I had dealt with years ago. It's something that seems to have a way of stealing my very essence, of stealing me and of destroying any happiness and good I'm feeling, so much so that I start to feel all but dead inside and it feels like I'll never feel anything good again. It left me with very little to say and what I felt I wanted to say just seemed unimportant, uninspired and well worthless to anyone but me. I had a really hard time comming up with anything to post that wasn't very mecentric or a plain old pity party. Yes I posted but apart from 2 posts that came from a intense need I felt to connect with someone else, the posts had all been written at other times, times when I was in a far better place but they just didn't seem relevant to what I wanted to say at the time, my own personal back up plan if you will. So they got hauled out and posted and very few people where any the wiser to the fact that I had all but gone into hiding. Yesterday for some reason was particularly hard for me, I finally felt like I could share what was going on with someone and yet circumstances prevented me doing just what I felt I needed desperately to do. I was honestly in such a bad place that when I left work early yesterday I did it for no other reason than I wanted to hide, actually no I wanted to disappear, I just wanted to be gone preferably for good. I went into hiding when I got home and haven't really moved since. I spent another sleepless night, crying and going over this all in my head, looking at it from every angle I could come up with and looking for that elusive thing that would just make it go away, make the pain stop, make me feel like me again. I wish I could say I'd found it, I don't think I have and I don't think I ever really will although by the time the storm broke at around 3am I had written a looooooooooong mail to the one person I know I can trust with all this, sadly for reasons of my own making I can't send it. I guess even if he never sees it at least I got it part way out of my system and maybe today will be a little better than yesterday. I just have to hope that the weather stays the way it is and I may actually get my good weekend even if it can't be perfect. . . . .