It's funny but my butterfly post yesterday and even my million tiny pieces this morning got me thinking about definitions. How the way we define a word, a feeling and even an emotion can vary so enormously from person to person.
How what I see as beauty is very different from what any one of you would see as beauty. How if you had to show a group of 10 people the exact same picture, each of them would react differently to it, yes they may all see it as beautiful but if you asked them all why, the answers you got would all be different.
The same goes for a situation and how those same people would handle it. Each of them would react to it in a way that upbringing, previous experiences and personal growth dictated. So what is breaking down everything I've fought so hard to build may very well be nothing more that a bump in the road to you, but may completely destroy the next person.
Of course this theory of mine comes into its own when we start wondering into the potholed road that is emotions. How you define love, trust, caring and the rest of these emotions that we are all so intent on will be totally different to how I do. The basic premise and dictionary definition may be the same but how each of us experiences them from a personal point of view will be as diverse as all the fish in the ocean.
Friday, July 31, 2009
A million tiny pieces
I have the strangest feeling deep down in me this morning, it's almost as if, although I know there is SO MUCH RIGHT in my life, there is just something that is so very wrong, so very broken.
It's a feeling that I've only had a time or two before and it scares me because I know where it leads and I'm terrified of being in that dark solitude, hidden from the light again because I know just how hard and long I'm going to have to fight before I see the light again and yet I think deep down I knew it was inevitable that I would be here. That I would be dealing with this again, dealing with things I had thought long dead and buried but that where only hidden and not as dead or as buried as I had hoped. Things that a couple of twists of fatein the last few months that I had no control over brought back.
H3ll I think I can even pinpoint the events that started this descent into pain, into despair, into my own personal form of Hades.
The problem is that these are things that I have kept secret, things that I've hidden from everyone, even those closest to me and now I have no idea where to go.
Instinctively I think know where I need to go, even where I want to go but it means I'm going to have to trust. I know that I'm going to have share and I know that I'm going to have to relinquish my hold on these things but in doing this, in trusting again I'm going to be giving one person the power to destroy me if they are ever so inclined and I am not sure I'm prepared or ready to allow anyone that type of power over me again even though I know I have to, since thats how I ended up here in the first place. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It's a feeling that I've only had a time or two before and it scares me because I know where it leads and I'm terrified of being in that dark solitude, hidden from the light again because I know just how hard and long I'm going to have to fight before I see the light again and yet I think deep down I knew it was inevitable that I would be here. That I would be dealing with this again, dealing with things I had thought long dead and buried but that where only hidden and not as dead or as buried as I had hoped. Things that a couple of twists of fatein the last few months that I had no control over brought back.
H3ll I think I can even pinpoint the events that started this descent into pain, into despair, into my own personal form of Hades.
The problem is that these are things that I have kept secret, things that I've hidden from everyone, even those closest to me and now I have no idea where to go.
Instinctively I think know where I need to go, even where I want to go but it means I'm going to have to trust. I know that I'm going to have share and I know that I'm going to have to relinquish my hold on these things but in doing this, in trusting again I'm going to be giving one person the power to destroy me if they are ever so inclined and I am not sure I'm prepared or ready to allow anyone that type of power over me again even though I know I have to, since thats how I ended up here in the first place. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
First do NO harm
"He harms himself who does harm to another, and the evil plan is most harmful to the planner."
Hesiod
Hesiod
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Butterfly
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly
Ok so my day is just getting stranger and stranger.
I got this quote from a friend who mailed me this morning to thank me for dinner. Anyway the basic premise behind what he had to say to me was that he has seen a change in me that he doesn't understand and can't explain but made him think of a caterpillar that was just starting to become a butterfly, that there is a new beauty deep in me (yeah I know he is insane). Strange thing was while I was reading it my brother (who happens to be driving me NUTS with his music choices) played a song that I hated when it first came out, actually still do, but a line from it stuck in my head. "All the precious time Like the wind the years go by Precious butterfly Spread your wings and fly" It gave me pause for thought though, am I changing and am I ready to spread my wings and fly..............
*Smile*
For some reason this morning I'm in one of those peaceful places, those places where everything seems possible and everything seems good. Everything just seems RIGHT for a change.For the first time in weeks I didn't have my winter morning battle with myself to get up, yep beat the sparrows if there are any this morning. Watched a lovely sunrise from my window (didn't feel like freezing today so I stayed inside) Media player and random worked well together and played things that make me smile.
Even Google images played nice. I had a mission you see, I have this unbelievable desire to send someone Huggs this morning and was looking for an appropriate pic to post. And there in the first line of results was the pic that says it all. Well at least to me it did and yes I will post it later.
What really caught my eye though was the picture next to it, this picture. There is just something about it that keeps attracting my attention and in looking at it I'm seeing so many things.
I see a vibrant energy that can be so laid back, I see a strength that although strong is so fragile, I see an intimacy that is still fragile and yet has the potential for strength. I see self reliance and the abilty to rely on. I see an abilty to be harsh when needed and yet gentle in the next moment. I see need and need's fulfilment. I see the abilty to give and yet accept the need to take. I see passion and energy. I see desire and need. I see connection, I see subtle hints and in your face demands. I see shared ideas and independant thought.
I see all this and so much more in a picture of 2 flowers that somehow ended up in the middle of a search for a picture to represent the perfect hugg.
Now if I can just figure out why.............
Live
"The courage we desire and prize is not the courage to die decently but to live manfully."
Thomas Carlyle
Thomas Carlyle
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Pimped my Pooh
I was looking for something else and came across this. Proves nothing is sacred anymore.
Yes it lyrics and a pic
Pocket full of StonesDavid Gilmour
He's sending stones skimming and flying
Circles spinning out his time
Though the earth is dying his head is in the stars
Chances are this spark's a lifetime
Out of touch he'll live in wonder
Won't lose sleep he'll just pretend
In his world he won't go under
Turns without him until the end
Rivers run dry but there's no line on his brow
Says he doesn't care who's saved
It's just the dice you roll, the here and now
And he's not guilty or afraid
One day he'll slip away
Cool water flowing all around
In the river and on the ground
Leave a pocketful of stones and not believe in other lives
Until then he'll live in wonder
He won't fight or comprehend
In his world he won't go under
Turns without him until the end
*seemed appropriate when I was listening to it just now*
*giggle*
I wrote this whole post last night about how I finally realised yesterday that the only thing I can be certain of is the fact that I actually know NOTHING in the grander scheme of things and beings. I will however no longer be posting it since upon reading a friends post this morning I found that he had beaten me to it with a quote from Socrates. So instead I will post a pic or 3 and go off and try pretend that I may perhaps upon serious consideration and pondering know a little more than nothing. And yes while doing this I will also try find an original thought that is post worthy :D
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Peace, love and a little hope
Be wise to insure that every idle word spoken is carried with peace, driven with love, and filled with hope. For this we know is certain, one day our words will become our last
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sadness
There are a few things that have happened in last week especially Thursday and Friday that had inspired an entirely far to long post about a lot of things, that on Saturday morning when I wrote it seemed important. Strange but suddenly none of it really seems to matter. I guess between events this weekend and spending this morning at the hospital that was inevitable. The only thing I have left that I know for sure today is that I care and that scares me because I know that inevitably leads to even more tears and pain.
To the families and friends of the 2 Outsurance Pointsmen killed on Sunday. May you have the strength you need to deal with your loss and may you find peace of mind at this tragic time. It may not mean much now but know they died making a difference and that there are people out there who will fight to make sure that their deaths where not in vain. You will all be in my thoughts.
To Jolanda and Chris, I don't know what to say, I have no other words but that I am so sorry for your loss. To have had your wish granted and then so abruptly taken away from you so close to your due date, the devestation you must be feeling is incomprehensible to me. You to are in my thoughts.
To Susan and family, we all just have to keep hoping, your mom is a fighter and she is not going to let this get her down regardless of what the doctors are saying. You will be in my thoughts and you know where I am if you need me.
To the families and friends of the 2 Outsurance Pointsmen killed on Sunday. May you have the strength you need to deal with your loss and may you find peace of mind at this tragic time. It may not mean much now but know they died making a difference and that there are people out there who will fight to make sure that their deaths where not in vain. You will all be in my thoughts.
To Jolanda and Chris, I don't know what to say, I have no other words but that I am so sorry for your loss. To have had your wish granted and then so abruptly taken away from you so close to your due date, the devestation you must be feeling is incomprehensible to me. You to are in my thoughts.
To Susan and family, we all just have to keep hoping, your mom is a fighter and she is not going to let this get her down regardless of what the doctors are saying. You will be in my thoughts and you know where I am if you need me.
The whole or the hole??
"Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!"
Mclandburgh Wilson
Mclandburgh Wilson
Instinct vs Love
"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves."
Carl Jung
Carl Jung
Belief
Friday, July 24, 2009
Riders on the Storm
Another of those who was gone to soonRiders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house were born
Into this world were thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
Riders on the storm
Theres a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If ya give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die
Killer on the road, yeah
Girl ya gotta love your man
Girl ya gotta love your man
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man, yeah
Wow!
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house were born
Into this world were thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out alone
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Better Man
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man
Take a leap
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Fondly sad
Have you ever tried to avoid something only to be faced with it at every turn????
Well I'm having one of those days, you see today would have been, no rephrase that, is Chris's birthday and I started the day trying really hard to forget that fact, for no other reason than, well I just didn't want to feel the sadness again.
But as they say about the road to hell and good intentions.
Yes all my good intentions had gone to h3ll by 6h05, I'd forgotten to delete the birthday reminder on my phone (head slaps required for that one) and then of course to make it worse my facebook calander also had to remind me, not that I remember adding his birthday, but obviously somewhere along the line I did and the of coure just to make sure I got it his mom phoned to find out how I was doing, and sent me from okish to cr@ppy in 10 seconds flat.
I got to the point where I was surfing all over the net just to keep myself from thinking, the memories though won this round. It's funny though, even though I feel the sadness, the memories have made me feel closer to him.
I remembered the night we both got so drunk that we took turns throwing up and he proved to be such a gentleman about it to, holding my hair while he could hardly stand. The first night we spent together because after working 48hrs straight my place was closer and I only had one bed. The day he phoned me to tell me he had become a father and how excited he'd been. The night he cried himself to sleep in my arms when his parents split up. His excitement about being accepted by the airforce. The first time he kissed me and then wouldn't look at me because he thought he'd gone to far. The first time we went on a "date" and never even got out the front door. The morning he phoned me in ready to commit murder because he'd just found out his wife was leaving him for another man. That phone call to say he was gone.
Not all the memories are pleasant but they are all special.
They reminded me just how big a part of my life he had actually been.
And so even though it is sad and thinking about him hurts I guess it was a good thing I forgot the reminder on my phone because I have a feeling it may have hurt more not to remember him.
So yes Chris I do remember you fondly as you asked and I always will.
Well I'm having one of those days, you see today would have been, no rephrase that, is Chris's birthday and I started the day trying really hard to forget that fact, for no other reason than, well I just didn't want to feel the sadness again.
But as they say about the road to hell and good intentions.
Yes all my good intentions had gone to h3ll by 6h05, I'd forgotten to delete the birthday reminder on my phone (head slaps required for that one) and then of course to make it worse my facebook calander also had to remind me, not that I remember adding his birthday, but obviously somewhere along the line I did and the of coure just to make sure I got it his mom phoned to find out how I was doing, and sent me from okish to cr@ppy in 10 seconds flat.
I got to the point where I was surfing all over the net just to keep myself from thinking, the memories though won this round. It's funny though, even though I feel the sadness, the memories have made me feel closer to him.
I remembered the night we both got so drunk that we took turns throwing up and he proved to be such a gentleman about it to, holding my hair while he could hardly stand. The first night we spent together because after working 48hrs straight my place was closer and I only had one bed. The day he phoned me to tell me he had become a father and how excited he'd been. The night he cried himself to sleep in my arms when his parents split up. His excitement about being accepted by the airforce. The first time he kissed me and then wouldn't look at me because he thought he'd gone to far. The first time we went on a "date" and never even got out the front door. The morning he phoned me in ready to commit murder because he'd just found out his wife was leaving him for another man. That phone call to say he was gone.
Not all the memories are pleasant but they are all special.
They reminded me just how big a part of my life he had actually been.
And so even though it is sad and thinking about him hurts I guess it was a good thing I forgot the reminder on my phone because I have a feeling it may have hurt more not to remember him.
So yes Chris I do remember you fondly as you asked and I always will.
On an Island
Remember that night
White steps in the moonlight
They walked here too
Through empty playground, this ghosts' town
Children again, on rusting swings getting higher
Sharing a dream, on an island, it felt right
We lay side by side
'tween the moon and the tide
Mapping the stars for awhile
Let the night surround you
We're halfway to the stars
Ebb and flow
Let it go
Feel her warmth beside you
Remember that night
The warmth and the laughter
Candles burned
Though the church was deserted
At dawn we went down through
empty streets to the harbour
Dreamers may leave,
but they're here ever after
Let the night surround you
We're halfway to the stars
Ebb and Flow
Let it go
Feel her warmth beside you
Just a question
Are we people above animals because we strongly believe in this dream of our life that we are superior on this planet or are we simply insane people running towards death, living life as if they were eternal????
The Journey
"The journey to happiness involves finding the courage to go down into ourselves and take responsibility for what's there: all of it."
Richard Rohr
Richard Rohr
The Journey
"The journey to happiness involves finding the courage to go down into ourselves and take responsibility for what's there: all of it."
Richard Rohr
Richard Rohr
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Did you
really think I wouldn't post the lyrics??????
Love Me In Black
Didn’t they tell you the way that it’s gonna be
You asked God for a woman and ended up with me
Maybe I’ll love you, maybe I’ll pull you apart
We live in darkness I’ve pulled you into my friend
There’s no escaping this hell that I’ve put you in
You must forgive me but loving me is a sin
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
When I first met you I thought there was a mistake
How could you want me, you made such a easy prey
Didn’t they teach you loving is nothing but pain
What do you see when you look in my eyes
A sea of blue, a place where your heart could lie
Where it could drown, where it will never survive
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
I keep reliving the moment we said goodbye
You didn’t kiss me, you didn’t even try
You said I made me feel like you were barely alive
In another lifetime maybe another place
Maybe I’ll find you, I could be tempted by fate
And try to reach with too little kindness too late
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
Love Me In Black
Didn’t they tell you the way that it’s gonna be
You asked God for a woman and ended up with me
Maybe I’ll love you, maybe I’ll pull you apart
We live in darkness I’ve pulled you into my friend
There’s no escaping this hell that I’ve put you in
You must forgive me but loving me is a sin
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
When I first met you I thought there was a mistake
How could you want me, you made such a easy prey
Didn’t they teach you loving is nothing but pain
What do you see when you look in my eyes
A sea of blue, a place where your heart could lie
Where it could drown, where it will never survive
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
I keep reliving the moment we said goodbye
You didn’t kiss me, you didn’t even try
You said I made me feel like you were barely alive
In another lifetime maybe another place
Maybe I’ll find you, I could be tempted by fate
And try to reach with too little kindness too late
Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I’ll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
*Smile*
I never thought you could put bits of a broken heart together again until last night that is.
Yes this is one of those silly little personal moments that just makes me, me and I'm going to tell you about it regardless of whether you want to hear it or not.
If you've read anything other than the last, oh I'm guessing 5 posts here you will most likely have realised I love music. And of course as such I have been making myself "mixes" for years now. Putting my favourites from albums and friends albums (yes we used to share since we couldn't all buy everything we wanted) on tapes originally, later I used cd's and well now I have the miracle that is a flash drive. Over the years there have been many mixes and even more favourites. Some I keep and others that well honestly I wonder about where my head was when I made them but they reflect a moment in my life that has made me who I am. But I digress, back to putting a broken heart back together.
Years ago I made one of these mixes that I listened to SO much my family where threatening my life if I dared play it around them and it was relocated to the car where I could play it without too much moaning since I was alone a lot of the time. Somewhere along the line this and other cd's disappeared from the car never to be seen again. There where songs on that mix that I have never been able to get again. There was one in particular though that was my feel good song at the time and this was the one that broke my heart. I can't remember where it originally came from, probably a friend of a friend of a friend but I'd never been able to get my hands on it again, that was until last night.
Someone had put a whole load of stuff on a flash drive for me and there it was "Love me in black". I must have listened to it 10 times last night and well let’s just say it's been played a few times today. Yes I'm making up for lost time :) My brother is likely to start threatening me anytime now but who cares I've managed to put a little bit of my heart back together and that makes everything ok for today.
And just in case I have it on 3 computers, 2 flash drives and a cd so it doesn't disappear from my I'm listening to list anytime soon :)
Yes this is one of those silly little personal moments that just makes me, me and I'm going to tell you about it regardless of whether you want to hear it or not.
If you've read anything other than the last, oh I'm guessing 5 posts here you will most likely have realised I love music. And of course as such I have been making myself "mixes" for years now. Putting my favourites from albums and friends albums (yes we used to share since we couldn't all buy everything we wanted) on tapes originally, later I used cd's and well now I have the miracle that is a flash drive. Over the years there have been many mixes and even more favourites. Some I keep and others that well honestly I wonder about where my head was when I made them but they reflect a moment in my life that has made me who I am. But I digress, back to putting a broken heart back together.
Years ago I made one of these mixes that I listened to SO much my family where threatening my life if I dared play it around them and it was relocated to the car where I could play it without too much moaning since I was alone a lot of the time. Somewhere along the line this and other cd's disappeared from the car never to be seen again. There where songs on that mix that I have never been able to get again. There was one in particular though that was my feel good song at the time and this was the one that broke my heart. I can't remember where it originally came from, probably a friend of a friend of a friend but I'd never been able to get my hands on it again, that was until last night.
Someone had put a whole load of stuff on a flash drive for me and there it was "Love me in black". I must have listened to it 10 times last night and well let’s just say it's been played a few times today. Yes I'm making up for lost time :) My brother is likely to start threatening me anytime now but who cares I've managed to put a little bit of my heart back together and that makes everything ok for today.
And just in case I have it on 3 computers, 2 flash drives and a cd so it doesn't disappear from my I'm listening to list anytime soon :)
Peace and Joy
"When the soul is full of peace and joy, outward surroundings and circumstances are of comparatively little account."
Hannah Whitall Smith
Hannah Whitall Smith
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Conspiracy Theorists Dream
Forty years on and what do we really know about the moon??? The questions still far out number the answers..........
Taking a day off
"Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it."
Ferris Bueller
Ferris Bueller
Monday, July 20, 2009
This, that and everything else
I have so much going through my head that I have about 5 other posts that I wanted to post today :P Started them all but I seem to get stuck on the idea then I fixate, never a good thing but hopefully I'll get them done and post them and they'll mean something to someone. If I don't maybe they where all meant just for me, we will have to wait and see.
Fact check
So true
"Never try to reason the prejudice out of a man. It was not reasoned into him, and cannot be reasoned out."
Sydney Smith
Sydney Smith
Maybe I'm home??
"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it."
George Moore
George Moore
Friday, July 17, 2009
Oh my soul, now what
So here I am sitting in the office, alone, never a good place for me because it means I'm thinking and thats generally where my trouble starts but I'm avoiding going home. I for some reason just can't face being alone right now. I came to a realisation about something today that has me running scared, it's something I've been avoiding, it's something I haven't wanted to admit but after today I have NO CHOICE and not only don't I want to face it but I sure as h3ll don't want to be alone if I have to. So yes it's just another Friday in the mad world that is my life.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Fallen
Yep more lyrics, this time Sarah McLachlan. It's funny that I've probably listened to this hundreds of times with no effect and yet today the lyrics stuck. Maybe it has to do with this shift in me and the way I'm feeling about facing the world or maybe it has to do with that I can finally admit that yes I've fallen and yes I will again but I am going keep on getting up and maybe one day I wont fall again. :)
Fallen
Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Fallen
Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
No more Miss goody 2 shoes
I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that’s my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am,
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
I'm only human, and that’s my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am,
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tears and Rain
Just something that I found so I thought I would post it.
Tears and Rain
How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin
See the liar that burns within my needing
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away;
find comfort in pain
All pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape,
like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say,
but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and Rain
How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin
See the liar that burns within my needing
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away;
find comfort in pain
All pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape,
like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say,
but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Simple
Normally I hate getting up in the cold, don't get me wrong I love winter but honestly I would rather be in bed cuddling and keeping warm, actually anything really if it means I don't have to get up.
But today was different.
I woke up just knowing that today was going to be something different, something special.
I made myself a cup of hot chocolate (yeah you're a really bad influence) and for some reason in this cold decided to head out on to the balcony.
And boy am I glad I did.
There was just something so magical about the sunrise this morning, the crisp clear air, the colours that just seemed to pop, even the few wispy clouds that there where just seemed so much whiter and more there than usual.
And then I looked down at the cars in the parking lot and what a site that was.
The stark whiteness of the frost on the windscreens, the greyish white of the frost on the garden (that's what happens when you water your garden after 5pm). The trees had a crispness that I haven't seen in a long time. Even the lights out on the freeway seemed clearer and brighter. There was just something so magical about the whole view. Something serene, something simple, something almost peaceful.
And that peacefulness was contagious because suddenly everything that seemed so complicated yesterday seems so simple
Just a feeling
Come a rumbling, come a feeling, like things will never be the same,
what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger,
and today Iam strong enough and anyway,
I love the rain,
Days like these I feel like I can change the world!!!
It may not be raining but this definetly has something to say about that feeling I've had, seems to me something has just clicked
what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger,
and today Iam strong enough and anyway,
I love the rain,
Days like these I feel like I can change the world!!!
It may not be raining but this definetly has something to say about that feeling I've had, seems to me something has just clicked
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The universe speaks and I guess I'll listen
The universe is definetly trying to tell me something. I've heard this 3 times already today and even though I've posted it before I felt I should post them again after all the univesre obviously thinks I need to hear the words or maybe someone else does, so here they are again
If no one will listen
Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you would drown?
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still
If no one will listen
Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you would drown?
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still
Facebook fortune cookie
There is no limit to love's forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.
*Shrug*
Something's different and I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I had a really amazing weekend. It went from chilled drinks through excitement, passion and boundaries falling all the way back to completely chilled and relaxed.
I started the week feeling like me, like all the high drama of last week was over and I was back on track. Yesterday was a little hectic, but I've kept my head in the game and managed to keep it all together, which for me is an accomplishment.
Last night I had one of those me nights where I indulged in all things, me. I read, I listened to some rock, I had myself a bubble bath and I even let my guard down and expressed a desire or 2 I have, I might have gone to far with that expression but all in all a good evening.
This morning got a little hectic and I breezed through it.
And yet when I sat down to have my lunch now (ok only a cup of tea but it is my lunch break) I got this feeling that something is different. Not a feeling that something is wrong, not a bad feeling even just a feeling that something has changed. I can't really explain it, I don't know if I want to even try. It's a strangely pleasant feeling although it has a tinge of fear to it. It's almost like I've found another piece of me but this piece scares me a little and I'm not quite sure what to make of it......
I had a really amazing weekend. It went from chilled drinks through excitement, passion and boundaries falling all the way back to completely chilled and relaxed.
I started the week feeling like me, like all the high drama of last week was over and I was back on track. Yesterday was a little hectic, but I've kept my head in the game and managed to keep it all together, which for me is an accomplishment.
Last night I had one of those me nights where I indulged in all things, me. I read, I listened to some rock, I had myself a bubble bath and I even let my guard down and expressed a desire or 2 I have, I might have gone to far with that expression but all in all a good evening.
This morning got a little hectic and I breezed through it.
And yet when I sat down to have my lunch now (ok only a cup of tea but it is my lunch break) I got this feeling that something is different. Not a feeling that something is wrong, not a bad feeling even just a feeling that something has changed. I can't really explain it, I don't know if I want to even try. It's a strangely pleasant feeling although it has a tinge of fear to it. It's almost like I've found another piece of me but this piece scares me a little and I'm not quite sure what to make of it......
Monday
This evening I got home from work, made supper and then started to get ready for my meeting as I do on the 2nd and 3rd Mondays of the month. And then my brother looked at me funny and asked where I was going and I suddenly remembered, tonight is the first meeting since my resignation became official and I’m going nowhere. It feels strangely weird to be sitting here at home. These Monday meetings have been part of my life for so long that it had become a built in reaction to come home and do what had to be done. It also suddenly dawned on me that I have another evening at home alone that I can use to do whatever takes my fancy and tonight that just happens to be a bubble bath and an early night ……..
Monday, July 13, 2009
Bend me, shape me, any way you want me :)
Silly but that line has been running around in my head all weekend and I just can't seem to get rid of it no matter how hard I try. It definetly has endless possibilty though :D
Can I have a delay please??
"The greatest remedy for anger is delay."
Seneca
This one made me smile this morning for the simple reason that I am as angry as h3ll with my brother AGAIN........ I'm away from home for 4 days and I walk into what looks like a battlefield yesterday morning. It's going to take me a week to fix what the hooligan broke. And when I say anything all I get is the shrug and grin. Shrug and grin all you want, if you knew how thin the ice is you're on you'd be shrugging and grinning while you fixed the blooming mess you made. So now that I've delayed can I kick his a$$? Can I? Can I puhleeeeeeeze????????
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Just one of those thoughts
A moment of perfection was worth the effort.
A moment was all you could expect from perfection
Friday, July 10, 2009
Ok
so the pity party is over. I've said what I needed to say and I've cried the tears I needed to cry. Now I put back my smile, reclaim my attitude and once again dare to dream. Well until next time anyway.
Smile
This one made me smile.
Simply because it's so true.
So many people don't see or know the real me.
The me that is hurting and that is failing so hopelessly on this journey to becoming who she really is.
For the simple reason that I put on this face for the outside world to see.
This face and attitude that nothing ever phases me and the I'm doing just fine.
Only to turn around and fall apart as soon as no one is looking.
I think thats why this blog has been such a blessing, because I get to escape to here and to let that other side out, the side that is breaking, the side who wants nothing more than for someone, anyone to acknowledge my exsistence and that I am in fact needed even if it's only in some small way.
Here I let out the real me for the world to see knowing full well that apart from the one person in my life who sees this side of me anyway and seems to accept it to some extent although I'm sure it frustrates the hell out of him that I'm such a girl sometimes, no one I know will ever know just how much they've hurt me and just how close I am to walking away from everyone and everything and just disappearing.
Feel
You teach me how to feel
It feels all right
There's nothing left to fear
Finding myself
The further I go
Towards you
You teach me how to love
Parts of myselfI hated for so long
Loving myself
Through loving you
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart
Way up high I'm holding on
Way up high I'm holding on to you
You teach me to forgive
It feels all right
Compassion for your pain
Compassion for mine
The circle divides
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Holding all the pieces of my broken heart
Way up high I'm holding on
Way up high I'm holding on to you
I think I may have posted this before but it just says so much to me and about me at the moment.
I posted yesterday that I was feeling very mecentric, self centered, h3ll whatever you want to call it only to be informed that I care to much. This all resulted in a sleepless night for me because to me it just didn't make sense that other people percieve me as this person who cares to much and yet I feel I don't care enough, I feel as if I'm cutting myself off and put plainly avoiding caring.
Now I dont know but I'm guessing this is me trying to protect myself again from this need I have to be needed.
You see I hinted at it in my other post and the more I thought about it all last night the more I kept coming back to the fact that my real problem is that I need to be needed.
I need someone to need me not neccesarily want me, like me or even love me (although that may be a nice change of pace) but rather just to need me.
To need what I have to offer and to need me to be there. And yet there is no one.
I went through everyone in my life last night trying to find the one person that I could honestly say needed me and I couldn't find a single one.
My brother doesn't need me, yes I pay the rent but if I wasn't there he'd make his own plan.
My friends don't need me they all have their own lives with people they need and who need them.
The men in my life don't need me, they want the way I make them feel but that they can get from anyone so inclined.
The one person I thought may need me on some level clearly doesn't.
So yes nobody needs me and yet thats the one thing I need desperately.
To be needed.
So yes I guess I do care to much in my own self centered way because I need to be needed.
It feels all right
There's nothing left to fear
Finding myself
The further I go
Towards you
You teach me how to love
Parts of myselfI hated for so long
Loving myself
Through loving you
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart
Way up high I'm holding on
Way up high I'm holding on to you
You teach me to forgive
It feels all right
Compassion for your pain
Compassion for mine
The circle divides
I no longer live like a man in the dark
Holding all the pieces of my broken heart
Way up high I'm holding on
Way up high I'm holding on to you
I think I may have posted this before but it just says so much to me and about me at the moment.
I posted yesterday that I was feeling very mecentric, self centered, h3ll whatever you want to call it only to be informed that I care to much. This all resulted in a sleepless night for me because to me it just didn't make sense that other people percieve me as this person who cares to much and yet I feel I don't care enough, I feel as if I'm cutting myself off and put plainly avoiding caring.
Now I dont know but I'm guessing this is me trying to protect myself again from this need I have to be needed.
You see I hinted at it in my other post and the more I thought about it all last night the more I kept coming back to the fact that my real problem is that I need to be needed.
I need someone to need me not neccesarily want me, like me or even love me (although that may be a nice change of pace) but rather just to need me.
To need what I have to offer and to need me to be there. And yet there is no one.
I went through everyone in my life last night trying to find the one person that I could honestly say needed me and I couldn't find a single one.
My brother doesn't need me, yes I pay the rent but if I wasn't there he'd make his own plan.
My friends don't need me they all have their own lives with people they need and who need them.
The men in my life don't need me, they want the way I make them feel but that they can get from anyone so inclined.
The one person I thought may need me on some level clearly doesn't.
So yes nobody needs me and yet thats the one thing I need desperately.
To be needed.
So yes I guess I do care to much in my own self centered way because I need to be needed.
It's a sad day
Two things happened today that have me reeling just a little.
Firstly I realised that of late I've become a little self obsessed. I have in the last little while become totally me centered. I've stopped being the person I've always been, the person who cares for others and wants to make others happy. I may have been feeling more like me but that was just because I was only thinking of me.
The second was something that someone said to me and is totally at odds with what I was feeling till that point. The long and the short of this conversation was that my biggest fault is that I care to much and that, that caring is likely to end up costing me simply because I give to much.
Now you tell me how I can be feeling totally self centered and mecentric and be caring to much at the same time because it just doesn't make any sense to me.
What I can tell you though is that it hurts when your biggest fault is pointed out as the percieved fact that you care to much since in my eyes I'm not caring as much as I should be. It's a sad sad day indeed.
Or maybe it's just that I finally get that I need someone to need me and nobody does so it really is just all me. Which in fact is even sadder.
Firstly I realised that of late I've become a little self obsessed. I have in the last little while become totally me centered. I've stopped being the person I've always been, the person who cares for others and wants to make others happy. I may have been feeling more like me but that was just because I was only thinking of me.
The second was something that someone said to me and is totally at odds with what I was feeling till that point. The long and the short of this conversation was that my biggest fault is that I care to much and that, that caring is likely to end up costing me simply because I give to much.
Now you tell me how I can be feeling totally self centered and mecentric and be caring to much at the same time because it just doesn't make any sense to me.
What I can tell you though is that it hurts when your biggest fault is pointed out as the percieved fact that you care to much since in my eyes I'm not caring as much as I should be. It's a sad sad day indeed.
Or maybe it's just that I finally get that I need someone to need me and nobody does so it really is just all me. Which in fact is even sadder.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
somethings changed
I just cant put my finger on it yet. But I'm definetly more comfortable being me and letting people see it.Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Just Smile
This was written by Charlie Chaplin for a movie, years later it would be used again for a movie. This time the story of his life, it's funny but everytime I hear it, I can almost see
Robert Downey jnr stroll across the screen in the role he played so well.
And yes it does make me smile.
Smile
Smile
tho'your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky-
You'll get by,
If you
Smile
through your fear and sorrow,
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through-
For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
Robert Downey jnr stroll across the screen in the role he played so well.
And yes it does make me smile.
Smile
Smile
tho'your heart is aching,
Smile
Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky-
You'll get by,
If you
Smile
through your fear and sorrow,
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through-
For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
What a tangled web
Lance Armstrong
Let people say what they will about the man. Yesterday proved again just what a fighter he really is and I for one am holding thumbs that even though many say it's a publicity stunt he wins and proves them all wrong......
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Ideas, Ideas, Ideas
Ok so I'm alone from tomorrow night and have been planning what to do with all my free time and have managed to fill up a few hours with things I never get round to which is a good thing. The problem is I'm now sitting with another 4 evenings to fill and nothing to fill them with.......I need ideas and lots of them.........
What a feeling
If I look back over the last few weeks and everything that has gone on I really can’t explain what I’m about to say, in fact it should really be the last thing I say and yet tonight when I was standing on the balcony with my tea (Yes another routine ms I can’t handle routine has developed) watching the most amazing cloud formation float by (and no that’s not them although they do now live on my phone) I suddenly realised I’m feeling more like me than I have in months. It’s as if things have finally clicked into place and Kim is Kim and is exactly where Kim wants to be, needs to be and simply put is. It’s the strangest feeling this peace I’m suddenly feeling. I can’t explain it. I don’t know if I even want to try. Quite frankly analyzing this at the risk of losing it is not going to happen. For once in my life I’m going to leave good enough alone and just stand back and enjoy being Kim and the peace it’s brought while it lasts
Achievable
"Stride forward with a firm, steady step knowing with a deep, certain inner knowing that you will reach every goal you set yourselves, that you will achieve every aim."
Eileen Caddy
Eileen Caddy
Monday, July 6, 2009
Lost, found whatever
I heard this on the radio this morning and just cant get the lyrics out of my head.
You found me
Is this a dream,
If it isPlease don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leaveI guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know?
How did you know?
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
(You found me)
(When no one else was lookin')
You found me
(How did you know just where I would be?)
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between
You found me
You found me
You found me
Is this a dream,
If it isPlease don't wake me from this high
I've become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leaveI guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me
And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know?
How did you know?
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
(You found me)
(When no one else was lookin')
You found me
(How did you know just where I would be?)
You broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad
And the things in between
You found me
You found me
Hehe
It's just struck me this is going to be an AWSOME week. I'm house sitting from Wednesday and the brother has Liberty on Saturday :D
Wednesday = ALONE
Thursday = ALONE
Friday = ALONE
Saturday = ALONE
Monday = ALONE
What more could a girl ever want...................ok so there is more but I'm sure as not elaborating on that here :P
Wednesday = ALONE
Thursday = ALONE
Friday = ALONE
Saturday = ALONE
Monday = ALONE
What more could a girl ever want...................ok so there is more but I'm sure as not elaborating on that here :P
Good Enough
Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself,
and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything thats good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.
I was hiding with Evanesense this weekend and actually heard the lyrics to good enough for the first time, yes I've heard the song and it is one I like but it really was the first time I heard the lyrics and WOW did they have a lot to say to me..................
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself,
and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything thats good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.
I was hiding with Evanesense this weekend and actually heard the lyrics to good enough for the first time, yes I've heard the song and it is one I like but it really was the first time I heard the lyrics and WOW did they have a lot to say to me..................
Oh My .........
I wrote this before the previous post and wasn’t actually going to post it seen as I wrote a whole weekend post and well this one is just a little cracked but I decided to post it just because I can.
Have you ever built something up in your mind?
Fantasised about it to the point that you know you’re going to be disappointed?
Well I have been for months now.
I have had the absolute crush on this muscle bound hunk.
His personality shines through in a way that makes me weak at the knees. He oozes pure power and just looking at pictures of him standing there in his black leather clad splendour, in simple terms a total turn on in the most primal way.
On paper he has everything I have ever wanted yes his stamina is a little untested but that can be fixed and black gets old fast but that to can be fixed.
So it was with a sense of trepidation knowing that disappointment was inevitable I wondered over to where he was holding court this weekend.
He was surrounded by a crowd that seemed to part as I saw him; I approached with trepidation, fear even.
Would he live up to the picture I had painted in my mind?
He was surrounded by more like him, all black leather clad and oozing appeal from every inch of their powerful bodies.
But I was fixated on him, I had to get close, I had to touch, I had to feel, I had to hear his voice.
I reached out and gently touched his skin, it felt smooth and cool almost cold to touch, you could smell the leather and when he spoke, oh that voice.
I decided there and then he will be mine even if it takes me the rest of my life to win him over and since he represents all that is the dichotomy of good and evil I shall name him..................Ok so there is a list, but dammit giving perfection a name is hard work and vmax just isn’t it.
Oh what a weekend,
This has been one of those weekends that have run the gamut of emotions and feelings.
Friday night was boredom, oh and how. And that of course is just a recipe for me getting into trouble. Which true to form I did, without even leaving the flat. Note to self and anyone who doesn’t already know. Text messages + Boredom = TROUBLE. I’m pretty glad I was sober, trouble is far easier to navigate sober. It did however give me the chance to sort something out that I really wasn’t looking forward to doing and maybe it will work out in the end, we’ll see what time and space bring.
Saturday was a pretty awesome day. I finally got to sleep in for a change.....pity I couldn’t have spent the whole day under the covers but then again alone that isn’t always fun. I finally got my chance to get my grubby paws on something I’ve wanted for a while (twice in 1 week now that’s a turn out for the books)
Yep I spent the afternoon falling in love over and over and over. Well 4 or 5 times anyway, when I wasn’t drooling that is. I got my hands on my dream and oh my soul, not that his baby brother wasn’t close to being accosted himself and as for his other buddy well let me just say *drool* (Hey stop rolling your eyes at me, yes I mean you) Man oh man what a bike.
Ok so I worked at the 1000 bike show and I’m talking about bikes but some of you will get that and the others well think getting your hands on George Clooney and Brad Pitt at the same time (and no neither of them do it for me). ALso came to the conclusion that pink and lilac really just aren't meant to be bike colours, talk about GAY!!!!!
I spent some quality time with some friends too. Which was nice, I haven’t seen some of them in a while. Had some really bad news from someone who will be in my thoughts and prayers every day, he really didn’t need this with everything he’s going through. Learnt a few useful bits of info that shed some light on something that has happened recently too and they where enlightening to say the very least. Oh when at first we practise to deceive. Managed to fix a problem we’ve been having with something else with one conversation. Oh this inter related stuff really tickles me sometimes.
Hooked up with another buddy and managed to remember why I HATE apple sours (this futile resistance isn’t always good for me) and this all before I left for the evening.
I worked again on Sunday morning and made a new friend or 2 and renewed and old friendship or 2 as well. Got myself volunteered for something that I have a feeling will be quite a giggle. Well for me at least anyway.
Had the pleasure watching someone who is under the impression she is my club president make a real twit of herself, oh boy is she in for a surprise next week. Funny how finally walking away has me feeling I can actually make a difference.
Had coffee with old friends as well, catching up was really fun although it had a sad little twinge. She took me out into the garden to show me an orchid I had given her. This orchid of course has a history so here it is. My mom had a thing for orchids and yellow ones in particular and after her “accident” my brother and I bought her this particular yellow orchid, which when she died just had to go. I couldn’t handle having it around and well I knew if I kept it; it too would die, so I gave it to Heather. She gave it a little spot in her garden and there it’s been for just on 18 months, flowerless and barely alive or so I thought. Yes you guessed it it has 3 huge yellow flowers on it, clustered together on a single stem, almost like we were before she died. According to Heather she thought it had died as well and then a few weeks ago there they where, 3 buds. Funny it made me smile even though I was feeling just a little sad. (I’ve been missing her something chronic for weeks now) So it felt almost as if she was trying to tell us she was still here even though she’s gone. Yes I know that doesn’t make sense but who cares.
Of course when I got home the anger came out totally. I turned on the TV for the simple reason that I was alone and I wanted some noise and there larger than life was he who shall remain nameless, they had replaced perfectly bad television with something I would have given the rest of my life not to have seen. It shows just how low we’ve gone when someone like him gets more press and airtime then plane crashes and hijackings.
So yes there has been some happiness, drooling, smiles, sadness and some anger too but all in all I’d say it’s been a good weekend.
Friday night was boredom, oh and how. And that of course is just a recipe for me getting into trouble. Which true to form I did, without even leaving the flat. Note to self and anyone who doesn’t already know. Text messages + Boredom = TROUBLE. I’m pretty glad I was sober, trouble is far easier to navigate sober. It did however give me the chance to sort something out that I really wasn’t looking forward to doing and maybe it will work out in the end, we’ll see what time and space bring.
Saturday was a pretty awesome day. I finally got to sleep in for a change.....pity I couldn’t have spent the whole day under the covers but then again alone that isn’t always fun. I finally got my chance to get my grubby paws on something I’ve wanted for a while (twice in 1 week now that’s a turn out for the books)
Yep I spent the afternoon falling in love over and over and over. Well 4 or 5 times anyway, when I wasn’t drooling that is. I got my hands on my dream and oh my soul, not that his baby brother wasn’t close to being accosted himself and as for his other buddy well let me just say *drool* (Hey stop rolling your eyes at me, yes I mean you) Man oh man what a bike.
Ok so I worked at the 1000 bike show and I’m talking about bikes but some of you will get that and the others well think getting your hands on George Clooney and Brad Pitt at the same time (and no neither of them do it for me). ALso came to the conclusion that pink and lilac really just aren't meant to be bike colours, talk about GAY!!!!!
I spent some quality time with some friends too. Which was nice, I haven’t seen some of them in a while. Had some really bad news from someone who will be in my thoughts and prayers every day, he really didn’t need this with everything he’s going through. Learnt a few useful bits of info that shed some light on something that has happened recently too and they where enlightening to say the very least. Oh when at first we practise to deceive. Managed to fix a problem we’ve been having with something else with one conversation. Oh this inter related stuff really tickles me sometimes.
Hooked up with another buddy and managed to remember why I HATE apple sours (this futile resistance isn’t always good for me) and this all before I left for the evening.
I worked again on Sunday morning and made a new friend or 2 and renewed and old friendship or 2 as well. Got myself volunteered for something that I have a feeling will be quite a giggle. Well for me at least anyway.
Had the pleasure watching someone who is under the impression she is my club president make a real twit of herself, oh boy is she in for a surprise next week. Funny how finally walking away has me feeling I can actually make a difference.
Had coffee with old friends as well, catching up was really fun although it had a sad little twinge. She took me out into the garden to show me an orchid I had given her. This orchid of course has a history so here it is. My mom had a thing for orchids and yellow ones in particular and after her “accident” my brother and I bought her this particular yellow orchid, which when she died just had to go. I couldn’t handle having it around and well I knew if I kept it; it too would die, so I gave it to Heather. She gave it a little spot in her garden and there it’s been for just on 18 months, flowerless and barely alive or so I thought. Yes you guessed it it has 3 huge yellow flowers on it, clustered together on a single stem, almost like we were before she died. According to Heather she thought it had died as well and then a few weeks ago there they where, 3 buds. Funny it made me smile even though I was feeling just a little sad. (I’ve been missing her something chronic for weeks now) So it felt almost as if she was trying to tell us she was still here even though she’s gone. Yes I know that doesn’t make sense but who cares.
Of course when I got home the anger came out totally. I turned on the TV for the simple reason that I was alone and I wanted some noise and there larger than life was he who shall remain nameless, they had replaced perfectly bad television with something I would have given the rest of my life not to have seen. It shows just how low we’ve gone when someone like him gets more press and airtime then plane crashes and hijackings.
So yes there has been some happiness, drooling, smiles, sadness and some anger too but all in all I’d say it’s been a good weekend.
Friday, July 3, 2009
No Bravery
There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
Yes it's James Blunt but it just seemed to sum up so much of whats going on in the world these days that I thought I would post them.
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
Yes it's James Blunt but it just seemed to sum up so much of whats going on in the world these days that I thought I would post them.
Friday morning giggle
Just got one of those silly emails from a buddy
"Breaking News: You Tube, Twitter and Facebook have just announced that they will be joining forces to form a new social networking site. The address will be YouTwitFace.com"
Ok sorry but it really did make me giggle
"Breaking News: You Tube, Twitter and Facebook have just announced that they will be joining forces to form a new social networking site. The address will be YouTwitFace.com"
Ok sorry but it really did make me giggle
Lol, now I know I'm back
I came across a post that was having a lot to say about the new Nickelback album Darkhorse and some of the song titles and lyrics. And it made me want to laugh but alternately also slap the person that wrote it. Ok I will admit it I am a Nickelback fan, yes it's not my normal rock preference but there are days that I just want something a little less "heavy" and they are genrally my go to. But back to the stupid post. This "person" was going on and on about how sexual and derogatory and ,and, and the song titles and lyrics are and how no self respecting person particularly woman would pay for an album like this and it should be banned and all sorts of other silly stuff. Well as a confused maybe but self respecting I hope woman I own a copy of Darkhorse and yes some of the lyrics and song titles are sexual but derogatory I dont personally think so. And I'm going to post my fave off the albums lyrics to and if someone takes offense let them I don't really care.......
S.E.X
No is a dirty word
Never gonna say it first'
No' is just the thought
That never crosses my mind
Maybe in the parking lot
Better bring your friend along
Better off together than just one at a time
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
I'm lovin' what you wanna wear
Wonder what's up under there
Wonder if I'll ever have it under my tongue
I'd love to try to set you free
All of you all over me
I'd love to hear the sound you make the second you're done
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
S.E.X
No is a dirty word
Never gonna say it first'
No' is just the thought
That never crosses my mind
Maybe in the parking lot
Better bring your friend along
Better off together than just one at a time
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
I'm lovin' what you wanna wear
Wonder what's up under there
Wonder if I'll ever have it under my tongue
I'd love to try to set you free
All of you all over me
I'd love to hear the sound you make the second you're done
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
S is for the simple need
E is for the ecstasy
X is just to mark the spot
Cause thats the one you really want
Yes sex is always the answer
Its never a question
Cause the answer's yes
Oh the answer's yes
Not just a suggestion
If you ask the question
Then it's always YES
Back on track
After some serious thought and a discussion or two I seem to have figured yesterday's issue out. Turns out it was nothing serious just a little derailing in the world that is me, it raised a few issues yes but now I know what they are I know where to go with them. So I'm back on track and feeling more like me than I have in a long time. So here is to today being my GREAT day.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
:)
"Lay down, my friend. Close your eyes, breathe in, And I'll take you there and back again. No more questions why."
Just a line out of a song I heard just now that stuck in my head and made me smile......
mmmmm
I know I've posted this before but it just spoke to me again today
(yes okay, so I know that sounds nuts but then again I am nuts)
?????
I'm sitting here alone in the office crying my heart out and I can honestly say I don't know exactly why. Today was supposed to be a good no make that GREAT day. And yet all I know is that I finally know what it feels like when someone tells you they feel like a dog. The only things that I keep hearing in my head are failure, disappointment, not good enough, never will be good enough. All I'm waiting for now is someone to kick me, after all that what they do to a dog when it's down.
What changed
I started this morning with a feeling of finally things are turning around. I felt like I could take on the world, I felt like I had found that little piece of me thats been eluding me for so long and I had realised that it was time to let go and to move forward. That I was finally where I wanted to be and on the right track. And yet now not even 6 hours later here I am feeling like the lowest piece of worthlessness on the planet. I don't know why, I can't describe it. It's like my bubble has burst, like I just want to disappear. I just want it all to be over. The humiliation, the self doubt, the recriminations and most of all the pain. I cant understand it, it's like a switch was tripped and now I just don't want to be. It's like the hope is gone...........
Uhm .......... Nickelback
I wanna do it till the sun comes up
until we're both so good and sweaty
that we can't stand up
I wanna do it till we're both about to dro
pas long as we're tied up together
then we're never gonna stop
Yeah...we're gonna love it
when the lights go down
hold on here we go
yeah...we're gonna go until our legs give out
round and round we go
yeah...we're gonna do it hangin upside down
up and down we go
yeah...we're getting ready for the next go round
round and round we go
until we're both so good and sweaty
that we can't stand up
I wanna do it till we're both about to dro
pas long as we're tied up together
then we're never gonna stop
Yeah...we're gonna love it
when the lights go down
hold on here we go
yeah...we're gonna go until our legs give out
round and round we go
yeah...we're gonna do it hangin upside down
up and down we go
yeah...we're getting ready for the next go round
round and round we go
Where can I find some courage
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Harold Wilson
Harold Wilson
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