Just something

I wanted to say but think Kelly Clarkson has said far better than I ever could

If no one will listen
Kelly Clarkson

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still

More peace some of it. . . . . . . . . perfect

Peace

For weeks now I have been as my brother so eloquently put it "hyper". Nothing has really held my attention, things I would usually enjoy just haven't held any appeal and I've been down right restless and it's been getting progressively worse.

Last night though for some reason I found peace ............

I can't explain it, it's as if there was some sort of shift in the cosmic energy. I suddenly was interested again. Standing out on the balcony watching the sun set as the moon rose suddenly wasn't a waste of time but something I wanted to do again (damn but I really do love my view as the lights start coming on). I turned up the volume and remembered why I love spending my evenings with my CD player, I found a new favourite album (well for now anyway). My brother has been holding out on me, just because he hadn't been able to get me Rising Force......he didn't think I'd want Angels of Love......sometimes I wonder about the way he thinks. I even went all girly on myself and spent time painting my nails (now that is a waste of time) and I never hid myself away in a book (according to my brother he is glad to see I have had those damn books surgically removed, his words not mine).............

Here's hoping that the peace stays........well for a little while at least

You're in my thoughts ........

Just for YOU ! ! ! ! !

Long Shot

If I say forget it

I know that I'll regret it

It's a long shot just to beat these odds

But i know if i don't take it there's no chance

Maybe it's time to

I never

thought I'd see the day that I was actually glad to be back in the office.
Turns out my day out under the tree on the laptop got me into enough trouble to last the rest of the week at least. Yes Jonathan, I got your email and yes I feel k@k , yes I'm sorry I missed you online and yes I'm glad to hear you're coming home (3 years in Afghanistan really is a loooooooooooong time) and yes you'll get your home cooked meal promise and yes I will remember to sign out my chat when I'm not online till next time I forget that is.

Ok so now I've apologised, can I go and find something that I really want to post and that doesn't leave me looking and feeling stoopid?????

Just a thought

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been” George Elliot

Ok....last post for today I promise

Never Gonna Be Alone – Nickelback

Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not spending a little with you

Now I’m
Wondering why
I’ve kept this bottled inside
So I’ve started to regret not telling all of it to you

So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know

You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
You’re never gonna be alone
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone

And now
As long as I can
I’m holding on with both hands
Cuz forever
I believe that there’s nothing I could need but you
So if I haven’t yet
I’ve gotta let you know

You’re never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
We’re gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone

You gotta live every single day
Like it’s the only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Don’t let it slip away
Could be our only one
You know its only just begun

Every single day
May be our only one
What if tomorrow never comes
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by
So much faster than I
And I’ve started to regret not telling all of this to you

Your never gonna be alone
From this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go
I won’t let you fall
When all hope is gone
I know that you can carry on
Were gonna take the world along
I’ll hold you until the hurt is gone

I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day
I’m gonna be there all the way
I won’t be missing one more day

Sometimes you need to remember you actually have to tell people these things ;)

Yes

I know my last post was strange and ended a little abruptly. Finding that box brought home so much, the least of which is how much I miss my mom.

Strange, sad, loooooooooooong weekend

Ok so I'm posting all sorts of things today, seems my lack of focus has carried over from the weekend..........

It was a very wierd weekend for me in so many ways.

I had no plans.........not one.........I hadn't even volunteered for something I really wanted to be involved with because I knew how hard this weekend was going to be for my brother and just ocassionally I do get my priorities right ......... you see it was his birthday yesterday and we where supposed to be celebrating his now aborted engagement on Saturday, so I was expecting to be dealing with the sulking, sad brother I'd had for the last 2 weeks and here is the strange.........not the slightest bit of the sulking, sadness I was expecting.....well at least not until the ex contacted him yesterday afternoon anyway. He took himself off to Liberty on Saturday and left me alone which is where the wierd started.....

There has been so much going on in the last few weeks that I have managed to basically ignore a lot of what I have been feeling but now I had nowhere to hide, no brother to worry about, no friend with a crisis I had to help with, no boss having a melt down, no chores left to do, silly me thought it was a good idea to do them all Friday night, not a single distraction ...... nothing ....... just me alone and time to kill. So I decided to take myself off and get a start on doing all my birthday shopping since May is my nightmare month and I was still looking for that something for my brother ........ that was my first mistake, the only person I seemed to be able find anything for is the one person I am not going to be buying anything for ....... an hour later I gave up and went home ....... mistake number two ....... now I was alone and thinking ....... bad move because that led to my usual desperate attempt to distract myself ....... repacking cupboards and drawers. You would think that would be harmless and you would be so wrong, you see I came across a box and in that box was another little box that was given to my brother and I when our mom passed away. I had never opened this box, yes I knew what was in it and recieving it had meant the world to me but I had just never had the nerve to open it and actually look at
it ...... And here comes the sad ........ I decided to open the box ........ and there nestled in it's little bed of cotton wool was the Think Bike Marshall's badge ....... you wouldn't think something that I see regularly on one of the forums could have such an effect on me but it did ......... I finally get what people mean when they say they had the wind knocked out their sails .......

More Lyrics

Yep, I finally got my copy of Dark Horse this weekend and of course there had to be that one song that stood out and said pay attention. I decided to post the lyrics because they actually are thought provoking, ok so they got me thinking and that may just have been a good thing seeing as I seem to be hiding in that corner of mine again.

If today was your last day

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
f today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

A test that needs taking

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION: You are in Kwa-Zulu Natal, St. Lucia to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realize who it is... It's Jacob Zuma! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:You can save the life of Jacob Zuma or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........ Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white

Just a thought for now

Random

On media player threw this at me 3 times in less than an hour.............


You'll never be alone

the world is changing
and time is spinning fast
it's so amazing how you came into my life
I know it seems all hope is gone
I know you feel you can't be strong
and once again the story ends with you and I

and anytime you feel like you just can't go on
just hold on to my love
and you'll never be alone

hold on
we can make it through the fire
and my love
I'm forever by your side
and you know
if you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
you'll never be alone

hopeless to describe
the way I feel for you
no matter how I try
words would never do
I looked into your eyes to find
as long as love is alive
there ain't nothing we can't make it through

anytime, or if only for a while
don't worry
make a wish
I'll be there to see you smile

hold on
we can make it throught the fire
and my love
I'm forever by your side
and you know
if you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
you'll never be alone

through the fire, by your side
I will be there for you so don't you worry
(and you know, I'll be there)
you'll never be alone


hold on
we can make it through the fire
and my love
I'm forever by your side
and you know
if you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
oh baby, hold on

hold on
(we can make it through the fire)
we can make it baby
and my love
said I'm forever by your side, yeah
(and you know)
if you should ever call my name
said I'll be, I'll be right there
oh, oh, ooooh

hold on
yeah yeah
(we can make it through the fire)
yeah yeah
oh no
(my love)
I know, and you know (I'm forever by your side)
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
(and you know)
(if you should ever call my name)
(I'll be right there)

Funny since I've never felt as alone as I do today

Live, Love

My morning giggle

It's Friday

and I have sweet blow all to say...............

Strange

thats pretty much the definition I would use for my day so far.

I don't really have much to do today, but for a change that isn't problematic, insperation has struck and I am working on a little something. Don't have a clue who I'll be sharing this one with but that's niether here nor there.

The strangeness has actually come from the people I've had to deal with today.

First off one of the "woman" mentioned in my earlier post phones me and asks me to put in a good word for her with her significant other, she doesn't want to lose him (seems he is moving out, like I didn't already know and maybe getting caught with someone else may just have been a contributing factor)............ clearly she doesn't read my blog, otherwise she wouldn't have wasted her time or if she does well what can I say ............. blondes

Of course then I get that phone call we all never really want to get, the one from someone you're no longer seeing, by their choice not yours. Turns out my friendship may mean just a little more than my not wanting to "date" him. Ok honestly I'm glad he phoned, there was a pretty big hole in my life where he used to be. It's pretty hard walking away from 9 years.

But the strangest thing was an email I got. I have no idea who the person is that sent it to me and how they got my email addy is a mystery since the addy they used is one that only a handful of selected people have. The least strange thing is it's one of those emails we all get at some stage or another filled with silly advice we know we are never going to take anyway, but we read anyway. The strange part is the topic of this advise (yes I'm going to add it here), because I've been feeling like this and have refused to give in to it. Maybe now I will, after all I'm only human.

"Sometimes we need to fall apart

We don't always have to be strong Sometimes our strength is expressed by being vulnerableSometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track. We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back the self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong. There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability and anger. Those days are ok. Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "Fall Apart" when we need to. We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength. We ARE strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak and vulerable. We need to experience these feelings. Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart"

Author Unknown"

"If we have the opportunity, to be generous with our heart and ourselves, We have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach"
Margaret Cho

Ok so

I posted something positive first because I felt a slight rant coming on.

I have spent time in the the last 24 hours with a number of friends and have come to the conclusion that women in general really suck (ok get your minds out the gutter you know very well that wasn't what I meant). Yep I can actually say that for the first time in a very long time I appreciate the fact that I am generally seen as one of the boys and not a potential conquest. I am extremely ASHAMED to be a woman and in fact I am also embarassed by the behaviour of my sex. Harsh words I know but let me elaborate a little and you can see for yourself why I feel the way I do. . . . . . .

Woman are manipulative, sneaky and in some cases just down right dishonest. Yes don't even try and deny it you all know you are.

Who else would think that it was alright to take a job out of province and tell the soon to be ex husband either you come with or you never see your girls again? And you didn't like his lawyer before, shame.
Who else would think telling your "boyfriend" the sex stops unless we get married would actually work? Wake up sweetie, he is going to get it somewhere else.
Who else would think getting caught with someone else is going to go away if you throw out the I only did it because you don't pay enough attention to me card? Have you not wondered why he doesn't pay attention to you?
Who else would try and palm off another mans child as her boyfriends. Yes sweetie, they do teach maths at school and some guys remember how to use it.
Who else would think going out with your fiances boss was going to have anything but disasterous results. Of course you where going to get caught and of course it would have an impact on your now ex's job. What the hell did you think would happen.
And of course my personal fave from the same woman who thought the no sex thing would work, the if you leave me I'll kill myself statement. Sweetie you're witholding sex of course he is leaving.

I could go on and on and on here but I won't. I am going to stick to what I have heard in the last 24 hours. Going any further back well yeah I may need a tranquiliser if I rehash some of those. It sickens me to think that women I've met and in most cases been friendly with actually think they can get away with behaviour like this.

Now I know I am no angel and I have done some things in the past that I am not proud of but I draw the line at things that are designed to manipulate, decieve and in some cases deliberately hurt someone you are supposed to care about. And I will also continue to be honest. But thats just me.......

Advice we never take

Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So LOVE the people who treat you right,

Forget about the ones that don't.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

If you get a chance TAKE it.

If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said it would be easy.

Stolen thoughts

You were filled with longing - I belonged

You were wrapped up in tangles -I was free

You were undecided - I believed

You were weak from trying - I was strong

We're shapes that go together - You and I

(stolen from a song I heard)

Rising Force

Ok so now I'm really starting to feel subtlety is NOT the universe's strong point.............



I posted and went off to see a client, came back, put media player on random and hit play and what does it throw at me out of nearly 10 000 songs. A song I haven't heard in heaven only knows how long........ but the inference was certainly not lost on me especially considering my last post............



Rising Force

Yngwie Malmsteen



Out of the darkness the voices are calling

Riding the wings of a song

The Fury is screaming and Heaven is falling

I feel it coming on strong.



The lightning strikes cracking the night

It feels like never before

Thunder and sparks in the Heart of the Dark

I hear a Rising Force.



Searching my soul and I found someone else

I take my life in my hands

From the gates of Heaven to the altars of Hell

The Power is at my command.



The lightning strikes cracking the night

I'm not the same anymore

Thunder and spark in the Heart of the Dark

I feel a Rising Force.



Burned by the glory of a sacred fire

A Rising Force starts to shine

Alone in the inferno it soars ever higher

Leaving the demons behind.



The lightning strikes cracking the night

It feels like never before

Thunder and sparks in the Heart of the Dark

I hear a Rising Force

.

The lightning strikes cracking the night

I'm not the same anymore

Thunder and spark in the Heart of the Dark

I feel a Rising Force.

Change

At 3am this morning as I lay in the dark I had so much I wanted to say and yet when I arrived at work and sat down to post, nothing seemed important enough or insightful enough or even plain ole interesting enough. Then I got busy and posting got pushed to the back burner till I got a few moments to collect my thoughts and decide what I wanted to say.

So a little while ago I had finished what I had to do and I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and went and sat under my tree, yes it's cold and windy (I have a feeling my season is finally well and truly making itself known) but I like hiding under my tree. Ok I'm not really hiding but I seem to be able to centre myself under my tree and this morning I needed centering.

You see I have a feeling something big is on it's way, that something is rising, something that is going to change things in ways that where never expected. I also get the feeling these changes are going to impact on more than just myself, that they will change things for people I know and care about in ways not one of us is expecting. I get the feeling that for some of us this is going to be painful, that there is going to be hurt and issues that need to be dealt with but that in the long run it is going to be what has to happen so that we can all grow into what and who we are meant to become and fighting these changes is going to be futile. Some of us I know are going to try and fight the change though because it is going to come in the form of things and actions we have tried to avoid, in some cases even vowed would never happen but they must. Yep this is definetly something BIG. Not only do I feel it in my bones as they say but everything I do seems to be telling me the same thing.

Ok, you got me, this is one of those things I don't readily admit to but I read oracle cards and for days now every reading (and trust me I've done enough) has had change as an overwhelming factor. Every sign....change......every insight ....change.....every bit of inner guidance and intuition.....change......everything is indicating the same thing ....... CHANGE

Strangely enough I don't fear this change, whatever it is I am willing to embrace it, I'm willing to accept it, on some levels I am even looking forward to it. Change is after all going to come regardless of how hard we fight to keep things the same. And trust me I for one am not fighting that fight......... I want what this change is going to bring.............

Mmmmmm

Ok so I've been at work since just after 6am this morning (yeah I know......crazy but what can I say I'm not sleeping and watching the sunrise........NOT something I want to be doing). I have done everything I had to do including finish a proposal that isn't due for another week. Boredom has started to set in so I decided to do the waste time thing.........blogs have been read, sites visited, forums done and mails checked and answered, personal project followed up on (roll on November really can't wait to see the end result of this one), even did the songs that stuck in my head over the weekend lyrics thing. And now I have to find something else to do................. I just need to find some insperation!!!!!!!!!!

Just a thought

Even if you cannot hear my voice I’ll be right beside you

Weekend plans...............

I left work on Friday hoping for a weekend that went quickly and would be one that could be forgotten before my first cup of coffee this morning, the universe of course had other plans.

Before I even got home I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen since December and ended up wishing I hadn't. Turns out that he and his wife have split up. They of course had been one of the few couples I ever really believed would make it and after 13+ years together I think he even believed they would. Sadly I see this one getting really ugly.
I get home, turn on the radio and what is the first thing I hear. The traffic report. And of course there has to be a report of a biker down, it makes me sick to the stomach everytime I hear those words. Oh for the days when bikers meant nothing to me. Ok not really, I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for anything even when I hear those words. Friday night was no better, I went to a club with a group of friends and of course I had to see someone I shouldn't have. Needless to say I left rather quickly.
Saturday of course had it's own curveball, I was left alone on the one day I needed my brother around to distract me since nothing else was working.
Sunday at least had a pleasant surprise instore for me. Someone I had written off as a lost cause turned up on my door step and we had a really pleasant afternoon getting reacquainted, he even had me laughing at more than just myself for a second.

So my weekend may not have been what I wanted or would have liked but at least it wasn't a total write off and it reminded me that as bad as things may seem right now there is still potential and as long as there is potential there is hope for the future.

Forever, who needs it anyway???

I've been sitting listening to cd's at work today, the joy's of a boss free day, well that and that is pretty much what I felt like doing. Not much in the mood for work after this morning.

I came across some of my mom's favourite Queen cd's, now for some reason despite the fact that I love Queen I haven't listened to these albums in absolutely ages so no trouble to me I stick the Greatest Hits III in the cd changer hit random, turn up the volume and press play.

And there it is the one song that makes me realise that I don't need forever, I don't need years, I don't need months, weeks or even days all I want is today.

Ok maybe today and one chance at one perfect day.

So I'm off to try and make my moments count and make this weekend one to remember. And maybe figure out what exactly makes that perfect day.



Who wants to live forever
Words and music by brian may

Theres no time for us
Theres no place for us

What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

Theres no chance for us
Its all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

Also a very good question that requires a little pondering me thinks

Dandelions and Tears

I had the strangest experience this morning but for it to make sense I have to tell you about a conversation I had with someone a while ago.

In short the conversation was about how people waste money on symbolic gestures like R400 bunches of red roses for Valentines day and boxes of chocolates at christmas and yet the rest of the year they can barely stand each others company. I made a comment then about a flower stolen from a nieghbours garden meaning more and that to me a dandelion would mean more than what any red rose ever would. Well since then I've been looking for dandelions and haven't seen any (yes silly me wanted to make a silly symbolic gesture).

That was till this morning, I took a different route to work today and there as I came round the corner on the pavement was what could only be described as a mass of dandelions just waiting to be picked and be given symbolic or otherwise. I smiled at the time but by the time I got to work I couldn't stop the tears.

I have no idea why I'm crying, it certainly isn't because of the symolism because I'm pretty sure the person I had that conversation with knows just how special he was and still is to me. It certainly isn't for what has happened recently because the decisions that where made have done nothing but increase the respect I have for him and my belief that he is a special person even if no one else sees it. Maybe the tears are for him and what he is going through and the knowledge that as much as I want to be there for him I can't be. Maybe the tears are for everything else I have lost this last little while, maybe they are for my Dad who would have turned 67 last Friday or my Mom who loved the cool crisp mornings and changing leaves (something else I noticed this morning) or maybe they are just a silly girl thing.

Whatever they are and whatever they are for, they have reminded me that as much as I pretend to be this tough girl who couldn't care I'm not really her. I'm actually glad for them because they reminded me I am alive and that I do feel and that is so much part of what makes life exciting.

And yes I will be going home the same way this afternoon and I will be stopping and picking at least one of those dandelions just to keep as a reminder that I need to let the people I care about know because in most cases they will be gone far to soon.

just a thought

"He who controls the past commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past."
George Orwell

Gifts

"Life is the first gift, Love is the second and Understanding the third"

Marge Piercy

Life

"The dedicated life is the life worth living. You must give with your whole heart"

Annie Dillard

It's amazing the difference a day makes

If you've read my last post you know I was in a really bad place and was feeling all sorts of well plain ole stuff. I decided to do something about it and took what I thought would be a pretty long personal break, turns out all I needed was a trip to the doc and a question or 2 to find that the meds they had me on for my ulcer where clashing with something else I was taking and as easy as 1 2 3 problem solved.

Yes I still have a few issues with a few people for what they have done and how they have treated me (post before carry on wayward son lyrics) but that is a minor detail in the grander scheme of my life. Yes I have lost someone else since then but I get it, he has his reasons and I care enough to respect his wishes but still be here if he ever needs me after all thats what friends do and regardless of anything else he will always be special and I will always be greatful to him because he was the one who helped me find the path to who I'm becoming and as many issues as I may be having right now, I'm loving the new me. So for that THANK YOU!!!!!

I may have lost a lot of what I considered good in my life in the last week but I still have so much that is good. I have so much passion for what I do that it scares me sometimes. I have people I care about and who care about me. I have good friends who may not all always be there but that doesn't matter after all it's the quality of the time not the quantity.

But most of all I'm alive, I have the ability to learn from things I've done, I can laugh at myself and with others, I am making a difference no matter how small it may seem with what I do and above all I have the ability to LOVE, yes I may get hurt and yes I may cry but you know what thats what makes this life so exciting and worthwhile, the people you get to know and love even if it's only for a very short while. So yes these lyrics are for every single one of you because you all amaze me at some time or another and they are also to remind me that to someone, somewhere out there I to will someday be amazing

Seal Amazing

Everyone says you're amazing

Say you don't know how to do it now
So you run It's not that you're bleeding,
but you're through with it now
So you run, so you run

I know that you need it,
you can't live alone
So you run, so you run

Everyone says you're amazing
now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question
I want to ask is it healing
When you hear everyone say you're amazing
Does anybody ask you?

Do you cry in your sleep and do you feel ok?
When you run

Thinking it's Doomsday you got to let it go
So you run,
so you run

Pretend you don't see it,
that we can live a lie
When you run, so you run

Everyone says you're amazing
now that you're clean
Only you know who the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question
I want to ask is it healing
When, does anybody ask you?

Cause I know that you're real,
amazing, amazing, amazing

Everyone says you're amazing now that you're clean
Only you know the real ones are cause you've seen
There's only one question I want to ask is it healing
When you...

Everyone says you're amazing
Everyone says you're amazing
(I want you to always feel you're amazing)
Everyone says you're amazing
(I want you to always feel you're amazing)
Everyone says you're amazing
(I want you to always feel you're amazing)
(I want you to always feel you're amazing)
You're amazing

So far and no further

I have finally hit that wall where I can not and will not take anymore.

I am tired of people who take me for granted.
I am tired of people who take me being there for granted.
I am tired of people who take the fact that I care about my friends and throw it in my face or use it to their advantage.
I am tired of people who can't accept that I do care & that it comes with being part of my life.
I am tired of people who think I'll be there at their beck and call but are never there for me.
I am tired of people who take advantage of the fact that I do care, regardless of what it's about.
I am tired of people who only know me when they need or want something.
I am tired of people who think that if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have a life.
I am tired of people who believe that I'm any less than they are.
I am tired of people who treat me like I'm less than they are.
I am tired of people who think my world revolves around them.
I am tired of people who think my world should revolve around them.
I am tired of people who think I'm stupid enough to believe that they care.
I am tired of having to prove myself over and over and over.
I am tired of the double standard people employ when they talk to me, like they are any better than I am
I am tired of being judged by what I look like instead of who I am and what I can do.
I am tired of having to justify myself and what I stand for to others.
I am tired of having to justify my choice of friends to people who can't accept me or my friends.
I am tired of trying to be what other people expect me to be.
I am tired of trying to live up to other peoples expectations of who and what I should be.
I am tired of people who can not or will not accept me for who I am.
I am tired of people who think it's fun to break me and watch me try to rebuild myself only to break me again.

And here comes the shocker

I am tired of caring, I'm tired of giving a damn, all any of it's ever gotten me is abused, used and hurt.

I've well and truly had enough and have decided that now is as good a time as any to take a break from everyone and everything. So thats what I'm going to do, I'm not sure when I'll be back I'm not even sure if I will be back, maybe I'll just go back into my dark corner, it may be lonely and sad but at least then I know it's safe and I'll come out in one piece.

Just some lyrics

Carry on wayward son
Kansas

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

No!
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Ok so I admit it I've been watching Supernatural and this is one of the songs on the soundtrack. For some reason it has stuck in my head and I will not try and figure it out or any of the usual stuff I would do I'm just enjoying the fact that the song is old but cool and the guitars is well *drool* and yes the words aren't to crappy either and it makes me think of someone that makes me laugh so thats never a bad thing actually he's one of the few good things I have left or at least

I hope he is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgqry2BoK08 not the original but a damn good cover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al12WO5x23w Supernatural

"Honesty is the best policy"

Whoever it was that coined that phrase really had no idea what the hell they where talking about.

In the last week my being honest has lost me a friend that I really cared about because I was honest about not wanting to have a "real relationship" with him. After years of waiting and hoping I finally move on, he changes his mind and I'm now the one in the wrong.

But wait as they say in the classics it gets even better.

I've been involved with someone for a while now and the agreement when we got into whatever this was developing into was that we would push boundaries together and if either of us came up against something that was outside of what was comfortable we would back off and work on it together. So of course as the universe would have it, the I'm not comfortable there moment comes up this last week and I being the honest idiot that I am tell him comfortzone exceeded, fully expecting that as we agreed we would go back and work on seeing if we could get this particular moment into the comfort zone together. After all that was the agreement and it had worked that way before. But of course thats not going to happen this time is it, no instead I get the if thats the case I'm out of here response. So much for trust, HONESTY, respect and caring.

So honesty has amongst other things taken a really good friend and someone I cared about and someone else that I was building something with, that up until now had been something really good and all this just from last Wednesday.

With that in mind I can't help but wonder what else I've been honest about in the last week is going to end up costing me. Yes I will sadly continue to be honest because I dont believe that you can build anything of value on lies and half truths but maybe I will think twice in future before I trust anyone enough to be honest with them and yes that does include friends that have been around for years as well after all honesty cost me one of those as well.

In the meantime I have learnt, I have laughed although not about this, I still love way to much and I am at least finally living

Work vs Play

"Creative work is play. It is free speculation using materials of one's chosen form."

Stephen Nachmanovitch

Silly question then is creative play to be considered work????

I think NOT

Blah

Yep thats the feeling this morning......need some serious insperation and I have no idea where to even start looking

Just something I read

It takes courage to push yourself to places you have never been before...
To test your limits... To break through the barrier.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the Bud..
Was more painful than the risk to blossom.

-Anais Nim-

Beyond Funny

Ok so something has just struck me as hystericaly funny regarding my post this morning. How come I'm feeling guilty about not wanting a relationship with someone who up until I started seeing other people and not making a secret of it had never seen me as anything more than a friend???? I've waited more years than I care to mention for him to realise what was right in front of him and now I'm supposed to give up on everything else in my life and be happy to be considered good enough. Talk about a cheek. Well my earlier decision stands NO WAY, NO HOW and no I wont be kicking myself after all or feeling guilty about the choice I have made.

The hand of ????

Just a picture I found on yahoo that I thought was interesting

Guilty . . . . . for now anyway

Ok so I've had a really strange morning.

I'm in a really good place, I'm happy with where my life seems to be going, I'm happy with my progress, I'm happy with my "relationships" (yes the word is very loosely used). Yes you guessed it I am HAPPY.

More than that I am content, I'm doing the things I want to be doing with the people I want to be doing them with and I am finally making inroads into being able to live my passion and make a difference. In short I'm living, loving, laughing and definetly learining.



So why a strange morning then? ? ? ?



Guilt! ! ! ! Yes I am happy and yes I am content but I am also suffering from guilt this morning because of a choice I need to make.
Something happened that even as little as 3 months ago I would probably have jumped at but now. . . . . turns out that someone I've been "seeing" for a while would like to make ours a "real relationship" (his words not mine) and there in lies the problem, as much as I like this guy and yes even care about him, I am not interested in a "real relationship" which in itself should not be a problem, awkward yes, problem no.

The actual problem comes from my reasons for not wanting a real relationship and here comes the selfish part and the part that I'm feeling guilty about.

Why should I give up the fun I'm having seeing more than one person on the off chance that this may possibly work out and then of course there is the little issue of even though I care for this guy there is something missing, the spark is just not what it should be (yep, the spark belongs to someone else).

I've spent the morning weighing up the pro's and con's of a real relationship versus what I have now, I've considered the him versus everyone else options, I have even argued the stability and future card with myself and I keep comming back to it's the right thing to do but it's not what I want to do. So do I do what others would consider the right thing, the thing everyone would expect me to do, the thing that will mean the end to my other relationships, the thing that will give me stability and a security, in other words do I settle for what is expected of me. The thing that leaves me in the clear.

Or do I do what I want to do and tell this guy that there is just no good sane reason for me to make this a "real realtionship", that I don't want to spend my life being bored (yep no way in hell he will explore any of the things I am exploring and enjoying), do I tell him that I want the excitement, passion and fun I have now and that he just doesn't offer any of it and leaves me feeling guilty for hurting a genuinely nice guy that I care about.



The choice has been made and sadly it leaves someone I care about hurt and me feeling guilty. It also means that I'm probably going to kick myself for my choice at some stage but thats a price I'm willing to pay if I ever need to pay it. I've chosen to live my life by live, love, learn and laugh and to settle for anything less would be more than just silly it would be insane.

So yes I'll be living with guilt for a while but I still get to learn from this, I get to love some more and I will look back and laugh about it someday




"There is a space between man's imagination and man's attainment that may only be traversed by his longing." Khalil Gibran

Perfect Peace

Just one of the things I have a "thing" for.

The perfect peace of the water and what goes with it.

blah, blah, blah

Ok, so I haven't posted much of late and I will admit I just haven't had much to say. Even if there is a lot going on in my life, none of it really seems noteworthy and that which I would like to comment on I'm not going to as yet for the simple reason that well it's complicated as usual. So instead of saying a whole lot about nothing I'm rather just going to keep quiet and wait and see what happens.

>>>>Freakishly Fab Friday<<<<

The question isn't who is going to let me;

it's who is going to stop me.
Ayn Rand