Being alone the last few nights has given me way to much time to think, although for a change it hasn't left me feeling down and unhappy but rather with a reason, a purpose and yes even a reason to believe. Some things may finally be starting to go my way, not everything naturally, not even the things I want most but the little things, the things I have control over, the things I have input in and I chose to believe that if the small stuff is finally working maybe the big stuff isn't far behind.
Reason to believe
If I listen long enough to you
I'd find a way to believe that it's all true
Knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried
Still I look to find a reason to believe
Someone like you
Makes it hard to live without
Somebody else
Someone like you
Make it easy to give
And never think about myself
If I gave you time to change my mind
I'd find a way just to leave the past behind
Knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried
Still I look to find a reason to believe
If I listen long enough to you
I'd find a way to believe that it's all true
Knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried
Still I look to find a reason to believe
Someone like you
Makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you
Make it easy to give
And never think about myself
Someone like you
Makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you
Make it easy to give
And never think about myself
Someone like you
Makes it hard to live without somebody else
Someone like you
Make it easy to give
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
ok this is really getting beyond funny ...... I really have got to get some new music on my pc at work, something that wont remind me how alone I really am even though I have more men in my life than I ever have had before................ maybe someday
once again courtesy of Nickelback from Someone that you're with
Because somewhere the one
I wanna be with's with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that someone that you're with
I wanna be that someone that you're with
And I can talk about it all day long
'til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that someone that you're with
I've got to be that someone that you're with
And I'm pacing by the phone
'Cause I hate to be alone
And if you're out there with him somewhere and just about to kiss
God, I wanna be that someone that you're with
once again courtesy of Nickelback from Someone that you're with
Because somewhere the one
I wanna be with's with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that someone that you're with
I wanna be that someone that you're with
And I can talk about it all day long
'til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that someone that you're with
I've got to be that someone that you're with
And I'm pacing by the phone
'Cause I hate to be alone
And if you're out there with him somewhere and just about to kiss
God, I wanna be that someone that you're with
Missing you
I guess this could be classified as an oldie, but it's still a goodie.......it says so much about some of what I'm feeling at the moment. It's hard to comprehend that I miss someone as much as I do and just what I'd give up for five more minutes of his time....it may not be love but it sure is something
Far Away Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
And I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up'
Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing'
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Far Away Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
And I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up'
Cause you know, you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing'
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and,
never let me go
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
More boxes
My previous post about boxes got me thinking, yes I know a dangerous place to be.
Have you ever noticed how we automatically put the people in our lives into boxes, sort of a mental filing system. Freinds here, lovers here, work colleagues there and so on. We do this totally without thinking, we do it when we meet someone and occasionally someone gets moved from that very firstbox to another. I started thinking about how we catergorise the people in our lives and how we choose the labels that we assign to them. I wish I had the answer but I dont. Although now that I've thought about it, I'm going to pay more attention to how I classify the people I meet and those already in my life and maybe I can work out how I pick the boxes I put them into.
And maybe, just maybe I will find an answer or maybe even think twice before I put someone in a box just because of what they look like, who they are with, what they wear or some such silly thing.
I may not be able to avoid boxes, but I'm sure gonna look twice at whats in them and what I put in them.
Living in a box, laughing at a box, learning about boxes and loving whats in some of my boxes.
Have you ever noticed how we automatically put the people in our lives into boxes, sort of a mental filing system. Freinds here, lovers here, work colleagues there and so on. We do this totally without thinking, we do it when we meet someone and occasionally someone gets moved from that very firstbox to another. I started thinking about how we catergorise the people in our lives and how we choose the labels that we assign to them. I wish I had the answer but I dont. Although now that I've thought about it, I'm going to pay more attention to how I classify the people I meet and those already in my life and maybe I can work out how I pick the boxes I put them into.
And maybe, just maybe I will find an answer or maybe even think twice before I put someone in a box just because of what they look like, who they are with, what they wear or some such silly thing.
I may not be able to avoid boxes, but I'm sure gonna look twice at whats in them and what I put in them.
Living in a box, laughing at a box, learning about boxes and loving whats in some of my boxes.
Boxes, boxes, boxes
Boxes of ornaments, boxes of linen, boxes of shoes, boxes of stuff. Boxes, that’s all a life eventually amounts to.
Since losing my mother 14 months ago most of her things have been in boxes in storage. Boxes I’ve gone to visit occasionally when I needed to find something. Boxes that I haven’t had the nerve to start sorting. I finally decided to take the plunge so to speak recently, so off I went to the storage locker and collected a few boxes. These stood in a corner in my flat staring at me, taunting me, daring me until last night. I was in a really strange place, I was alone not by choice but because none of the men in my life where available.
So I finally opened the first box……..shoes………… yes a box full of shoes, the majority of which have never even been worn, you see my mom had a thing for shoes. Even though she had a favourite few pairs that she wore constantly, she was always on the look out for the next favourite pair. There was also no method to how she picked them or at least none that I was able to establish from looking through the shoes as they came out the box. Some where practical walking shoes, some where cute girly shoes and some well the only word for them is impractical and yes there was even a pair of trusty takkies. Then of course the where the colours, pink, red, grape, blue and even black & white check. I of course can’t wear half of them and the others, well lets just say they are not my style. So now I sit with a box of shoes that I have no use for and no one to give them to, well not as yet anyway. I thought unpacking the boxes would make me sad and possibly even morbid but strange as my next statement is going to sound I actually feel better in a strange way. You see my mom used to love shoe shopping and unpacking the box actually reminded me just how much fun we used to have traipsing from shop to shop looking for the exact pair of shoes she was looking for at the time. Her excitement when she eventually found what she was looking for was always so contagious as well and I couldn’t help but enjoying these shopping trips with her. So yes there are days I miss her intensely.
There are times I wish she was here to talk to, sometimes she was the only voice of reason in my insane life. And I even miss the shopping trips but I’m sure she is shopping up a storm in the shoe shops wherever she is today. And just in case you where wondering …… no matter what I do with all the others there is one pair of extremely impractical shoes that I will be keeping even if I never wear them at least a bit of my mom will always be with me. Heels to you mom, I miss you.
Since losing my mother 14 months ago most of her things have been in boxes in storage. Boxes I’ve gone to visit occasionally when I needed to find something. Boxes that I haven’t had the nerve to start sorting. I finally decided to take the plunge so to speak recently, so off I went to the storage locker and collected a few boxes. These stood in a corner in my flat staring at me, taunting me, daring me until last night. I was in a really strange place, I was alone not by choice but because none of the men in my life where available.
So I finally opened the first box……..shoes………… yes a box full of shoes, the majority of which have never even been worn, you see my mom had a thing for shoes. Even though she had a favourite few pairs that she wore constantly, she was always on the look out for the next favourite pair. There was also no method to how she picked them or at least none that I was able to establish from looking through the shoes as they came out the box. Some where practical walking shoes, some where cute girly shoes and some well the only word for them is impractical and yes there was even a pair of trusty takkies. Then of course the where the colours, pink, red, grape, blue and even black & white check. I of course can’t wear half of them and the others, well lets just say they are not my style. So now I sit with a box of shoes that I have no use for and no one to give them to, well not as yet anyway. I thought unpacking the boxes would make me sad and possibly even morbid but strange as my next statement is going to sound I actually feel better in a strange way. You see my mom used to love shoe shopping and unpacking the box actually reminded me just how much fun we used to have traipsing from shop to shop looking for the exact pair of shoes she was looking for at the time. Her excitement when she eventually found what she was looking for was always so contagious as well and I couldn’t help but enjoying these shopping trips with her. So yes there are days I miss her intensely.
There are times I wish she was here to talk to, sometimes she was the only voice of reason in my insane life. And I even miss the shopping trips but I’m sure she is shopping up a storm in the shoe shops wherever she is today. And just in case you where wondering …… no matter what I do with all the others there is one pair of extremely impractical shoes that I will be keeping even if I never wear them at least a bit of my mom will always be with me. Heels to you mom, I miss you.
Update
Just an update on yesterdays post. The taxi driver who hit Bernadine Kruger on Monday has been arrested and is expected to appear in court tomorrow or Friday.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Bernadine Kruger may your soul find peace
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
WHAT THE HELL! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
I posted earlier that it had been a good week so far.....Boy was I WRONG............... Read what I've added below and lets see how you feel. HIGHLY PISSED OFF is a mild description of how I feel right now. Proves to me once again just how worthless life is in this country and just how easy it is to get away with MURDER. Because thats what this is not culpable homicide or any other stupid name they want to give it...... it is and will stay MURDER no matter what the findings.
To all the family and friends of Bernadine Kruger, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
To the taxi driver, may you burn in hell for what you have done.
To the police catch a fucking wake up ..... how the hell did you let this person leave the scene.
Taxi hoots, drives over schoolgirl23/02/2009 23:09 - (SA)
Virginia Keppler, Beeld
Pretoria - A Grade 11 pupil died on her way to Garsfontein High School in Pretoria on Monday morning after a taxi first incessantly hooted at her before hitting her scooter from behind and driving over her.
Bernadine Kruger, 16, died on impact.
She was on her way to school from the house of her father, Koos Kruger, 51, in Garsfontein when the accident happened at about 07:00.
Hugo Vermaak, who was driving along Atterbury Road, saw the accident happen between the Jacqueline and General Louis Botha Drive intersections.
'He hit her full-on'
"I was driving in a westerly direction. The traffic was heavy and we were moving very slowly.
"I saw the girl on her little scooter going in an easterly direction. She was in the left-hand lane.
"Then I saw the taxi speeding up behind her and hooting at her. Just as she wanted to change lanes, he hit her full-on.
"I saw her mouth open when he hit her. She fell and then he drove over her. It wasn't a pretty sight," Vermaak said.
After the accident the traffic came to a complete standstill. Many people jumped from their cars and ran to Bernadine to see if they could help her.
A last hug
Her family and best friends arrived on the scene shortly afterwards. Her school shoes were lying next to her body and her silver scooter lay in the road close by.
Her mother, Elsabé Homan, 44, from Montana in Pretoria, knelt for a moment at her daughter' s body on the tarred road.
"I had to see for myself. I gave her a hug for the last time. She was my best friend," she said.
Homan said her daughter was a soft-hearted person with hundreds of friends. She loved dancing and achieved top marks at school.
Bernadine' s brother, Danie, 18, stared at his sister' s partly covered body in shock.
"She was my legend, because she kept her life clean and pure," he said.
Crying loudly and sorrowfully, a group of her friends and her brother knelt a few metres from her body to pray.
The police immediately called a trauma counsellor to the scene to counsel Bernadine' s family and friends.
Sergeant Lynnette Erasmus, police spokesperson, said this was one of several trained counsellors from various churches in the Garsfontein police ward that were called out in circumstances like these.
Taxi driver not arrested yet
The Garsfontein High School support team, which includes a psychologist, also called two dominees to the school to assist with counselling.
The principal, Dirk van Zyl, said shortly after people started calling with the news that one of his pupils had been hit by a vehicle, he sent the two deputy heads and two teachers to the scene to find out who it was, because Bernadine was not carrying her schoolbag.
"It was a terrible shock to all of us. It's an unbelievable blow. She was a wonderful girl and achieved very good marks," Van Zyl said.
Erasmus said the police were investigating a charge of manslaughter.
The taxi driver had not been arrested yet because the police first have to complete their investigation into the accident, she added.
- Beeld -->
To all the family and friends of Bernadine Kruger, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
To the taxi driver, may you burn in hell for what you have done.
To the police catch a fucking wake up ..... how the hell did you let this person leave the scene.
Taxi hoots, drives over schoolgirl23/02/2009 23:09 - (SA)
Virginia Keppler, Beeld
Pretoria - A Grade 11 pupil died on her way to Garsfontein High School in Pretoria on Monday morning after a taxi first incessantly hooted at her before hitting her scooter from behind and driving over her.
Bernadine Kruger, 16, died on impact.
She was on her way to school from the house of her father, Koos Kruger, 51, in Garsfontein when the accident happened at about 07:00.
Hugo Vermaak, who was driving along Atterbury Road, saw the accident happen between the Jacqueline and General Louis Botha Drive intersections.
'He hit her full-on'
"I was driving in a westerly direction. The traffic was heavy and we were moving very slowly.
"I saw the girl on her little scooter going in an easterly direction. She was in the left-hand lane.
"Then I saw the taxi speeding up behind her and hooting at her. Just as she wanted to change lanes, he hit her full-on.
"I saw her mouth open when he hit her. She fell and then he drove over her. It wasn't a pretty sight," Vermaak said.
After the accident the traffic came to a complete standstill. Many people jumped from their cars and ran to Bernadine to see if they could help her.
A last hug
Her family and best friends arrived on the scene shortly afterwards. Her school shoes were lying next to her body and her silver scooter lay in the road close by.
Her mother, Elsabé Homan, 44, from Montana in Pretoria, knelt for a moment at her daughter' s body on the tarred road.
"I had to see for myself. I gave her a hug for the last time. She was my best friend," she said.
Homan said her daughter was a soft-hearted person with hundreds of friends. She loved dancing and achieved top marks at school.
Bernadine' s brother, Danie, 18, stared at his sister' s partly covered body in shock.
"She was my legend, because she kept her life clean and pure," he said.
Crying loudly and sorrowfully, a group of her friends and her brother knelt a few metres from her body to pray.
The police immediately called a trauma counsellor to the scene to counsel Bernadine' s family and friends.
Sergeant Lynnette Erasmus, police spokesperson, said this was one of several trained counsellors from various churches in the Garsfontein police ward that were called out in circumstances like these.
Taxi driver not arrested yet
The Garsfontein High School support team, which includes a psychologist, also called two dominees to the school to assist with counselling.
The principal, Dirk van Zyl, said shortly after people started calling with the news that one of his pupils had been hit by a vehicle, he sent the two deputy heads and two teachers to the scene to find out who it was, because Bernadine was not carrying her schoolbag.
"It was a terrible shock to all of us. It's an unbelievable blow. She was a wonderful girl and achieved very good marks," Van Zyl said.
Erasmus said the police were investigating a charge of manslaughter.
The taxi driver had not been arrested yet because the police first have to complete their investigation into the accident, she added.
- Beeld -->
Tuesday :)
Dont have much to say today, except that it may only be Tuesday but it's been a GOOD week so far..................
oh and one last thing
Hotstuff I am SO PROUD to be able to say I know you
oh and one last thing
Hotstuff I am SO PROUD to be able to say I know you
Just more words
Finally I’m seeing clearly
I’m writing this so you can hear me
How did I get it in my head that you could do me wrong?
No.Since I got to know you better I found that I was glad I met ya
Why did I listen to those lies when you were standing there for me?
Why did I never tell you?
Why did I not say?
Why did I push it away?
Why did I never trust ya?
I could have told you all my fears
All those years, now I’m ashamed of my ways
I’ve done it I’ve blown it again
Gone and lost my one true friend
If I can’t stop it, it’s gonna end
I’ve done it, I’ve blown it again
I’m writing this so you can hear me
How did I get it in my head that you could do me wrong?
No.Since I got to know you better I found that I was glad I met ya
Why did I listen to those lies when you were standing there for me?
Why did I never tell you?
Why did I not say?
Why did I push it away?
Why did I never trust ya?
I could have told you all my fears
All those years, now I’m ashamed of my ways
I’ve done it I’ve blown it again
Gone and lost my one true friend
If I can’t stop it, it’s gonna end
I’ve done it, I’ve blown it again
Monday, February 23, 2009
Found
I've just spent the most amazing weekend.............at home ALONE.
Yep, No getting away with a loved one, No spending time with someone, No beach, No ocean, No sex, No internet, none of that stuff usually assosiated with an amazing weekend....................... just me, myself and I.
Boring you may say, but not for me. I spent my weekend doing all the things I never get time to do...........long bubble baths, reading, listening to MY music but most of all getting inside my own head. Not a place I have much felt like spending time of late.........just to much going on.
But it turns out it was something that was very neccassery. I've made so many changes lately that I'd lost sight of who I am and why I was doing the things I have been doing. In fact I was feeling well and truly lost, I felt as if some intergral part of me was missing. Well after quite a bit of soul searching and tear shedding, I found the missing bit, turns out I just needed to remember that what I was changing and what I was doing was all for ME................ nobody else just ME
So this is me taking back my life, my changes and what I want and I'm going to LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH and LEARN just for me for a change. No more worrying about what others expect of me.... ......
And just in case you where wondering yes I am finally happy with who Iam, where I'am , what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with!!!!!
Yep, No getting away with a loved one, No spending time with someone, No beach, No ocean, No sex, No internet, none of that stuff usually assosiated with an amazing weekend....................... just me, myself and I.
Boring you may say, but not for me. I spent my weekend doing all the things I never get time to do...........long bubble baths, reading, listening to MY music but most of all getting inside my own head. Not a place I have much felt like spending time of late.........just to much going on.
But it turns out it was something that was very neccassery. I've made so many changes lately that I'd lost sight of who I am and why I was doing the things I have been doing. In fact I was feeling well and truly lost, I felt as if some intergral part of me was missing. Well after quite a bit of soul searching and tear shedding, I found the missing bit, turns out I just needed to remember that what I was changing and what I was doing was all for ME................ nobody else just ME
So this is me taking back my life, my changes and what I want and I'm going to LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH and LEARN just for me for a change. No more worrying about what others expect of me.... ......
And just in case you where wondering yes I am finally happy with who Iam, where I'am , what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with!!!!!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Seemed appropriate for how I feel today
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
With thanks to Sarah McLachlan
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
With thanks to Sarah McLachlan
Buccaneer
I’ve been sitting for hours now watching the storm that’s about to break develop, enjoying the inner peace it brings me even though it is literally the calm before the storm.
My mind however is anything but calm, I have read posts on various sites tonight that got me thinking. You see these where all posted by people I know and have worked with, about a man that was taken from them too soon. A man that I sadly never had the privilege of knowing but who’s reputation and work affects many of us still today a year after his death. This man is Brian Cannoo, Buccaneer. Throughout the last year I have heard many stories of how this one mans passion and belief in something has changed lives and how he inspired the people around him, to the extent that Think Bike is stronger today probably than it was a year ago.
I’m not going to waste space here explaining what Think Bike is or what they do. I’m just going to post the website and hope that if you read this, you have a look to see what they are about. This post is actually just my way of acknowledging a man and the work he did, as well as the work that is continuing after his death and the people he affected so profoundly including my own brother
Buccaneer wherever you are here’s to you. May you ride the skyways for an eternity.
I hope one day I am remembered with just 1% of the love and passion that you are sir.
www.thinkbike.co.za
My mind however is anything but calm, I have read posts on various sites tonight that got me thinking. You see these where all posted by people I know and have worked with, about a man that was taken from them too soon. A man that I sadly never had the privilege of knowing but who’s reputation and work affects many of us still today a year after his death. This man is Brian Cannoo, Buccaneer. Throughout the last year I have heard many stories of how this one mans passion and belief in something has changed lives and how he inspired the people around him, to the extent that Think Bike is stronger today probably than it was a year ago.
I’m not going to waste space here explaining what Think Bike is or what they do. I’m just going to post the website and hope that if you read this, you have a look to see what they are about. This post is actually just my way of acknowledging a man and the work he did, as well as the work that is continuing after his death and the people he affected so profoundly including my own brother
Buccaneer wherever you are here’s to you. May you ride the skyways for an eternity.
I hope one day I am remembered with just 1% of the love and passion that you are sir.
www.thinkbike.co.za
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Heaven in my eyes
I've just got home from work and am sitting out on my balcony, laptop in front of me. Watching the lightning in the distance. Now this is my definition of heaven, it reminds me all can be right with the world even if it is only for 10min a day
Monday, February 16, 2009
What I learnt from Valentines day this year
Having been surronded by the hype that is Valentines day for weeks now I was well and truly sick of it all by last week Friday. Cynical you may say but I'm not, I do still believe in love and romance and hopefully one day will find my own.
What got to me was that I had watched friends and people I care about do things so out of character I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry.
I saw a couple spend an absolute fortune on getting all sappy and romantic and treating each other, yet the rest of the year they can hardly stand to be in the same room as one another.
I saw a friend who is desperately unhappy put on a show, for his kids and the people around him, just so they dont suspect just how unhappy he really is.
I saw another friend put on this big show of how much he loves his wife while his girlfriend sat and watched.
I saw another couple I know put on this whole romantic loving show just so his daughter doesn't realise just how much trouble their relationship is in.
I even saw my own brother the least romantic person I know get caught up in the hype and plan this uber romantic evening for his new girlfriend, setting a standard that he will be hard pressed to keep.
The common thread lies, deciet and dishonesty not love as one would have expected.
In fact the only thing I saw that was remotely loving this last week was from the friend who realised that his relationship was over and walked away, giving his baby son the chance to grow up with 2 sets of potentially happy parents instead of parents that eventually end up hating each other.
Having grown up with the parents who ended up hating each other but wouldn't walk away because of what ever reasons myself I know just how much love and caring it must have taken for him to do what he did and I for one will be behind him 100%
But what I found funniest and maybe even the saddest was the fact that people get swept up in this one day as if it is the only day of the year you can tell someone you care, that the other 364 days are just there to build up to the next Valentines day and very little effort is made in those 364 days to show those you care about how much they mean to you
I for one will now be making a concerted effort to tell those I care for just how much they mean to me. I will not wait for the days of the year that is deemed acceptable to show that you care, I will be making any day I want my Valentines day. So yes I will be sharing my love, my life, my lessons and even my laughter with those I care about every one of those 364 other days and maybe even on Valentines day as well
What got to me was that I had watched friends and people I care about do things so out of character I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry.
I saw a couple spend an absolute fortune on getting all sappy and romantic and treating each other, yet the rest of the year they can hardly stand to be in the same room as one another.
I saw a friend who is desperately unhappy put on a show, for his kids and the people around him, just so they dont suspect just how unhappy he really is.
I saw another friend put on this big show of how much he loves his wife while his girlfriend sat and watched.
I saw another couple I know put on this whole romantic loving show just so his daughter doesn't realise just how much trouble their relationship is in.
I even saw my own brother the least romantic person I know get caught up in the hype and plan this uber romantic evening for his new girlfriend, setting a standard that he will be hard pressed to keep.
The common thread lies, deciet and dishonesty not love as one would have expected.
In fact the only thing I saw that was remotely loving this last week was from the friend who realised that his relationship was over and walked away, giving his baby son the chance to grow up with 2 sets of potentially happy parents instead of parents that eventually end up hating each other.
Having grown up with the parents who ended up hating each other but wouldn't walk away because of what ever reasons myself I know just how much love and caring it must have taken for him to do what he did and I for one will be behind him 100%
But what I found funniest and maybe even the saddest was the fact that people get swept up in this one day as if it is the only day of the year you can tell someone you care, that the other 364 days are just there to build up to the next Valentines day and very little effort is made in those 364 days to show those you care about how much they mean to you
I for one will now be making a concerted effort to tell those I care for just how much they mean to me. I will not wait for the days of the year that is deemed acceptable to show that you care, I will be making any day I want my Valentines day. So yes I will be sharing my love, my life, my lessons and even my laughter with those I care about every one of those 364 other days and maybe even on Valentines day as well
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Home
Have you ever heard a song that seems to have been written just for you???
Well I recently found an entire album that seems that way to me.
Every song seems to have something to say about some part of the journey I'm currently on and there are lines out of some of the songs that stand out so profoundly to me at this moment in time that its as if they are the very thoughts I'm having.
I have posted some of the song words recently because it really does seem as if Chris Daughtry has been in my head and his words have been able to say exactly what I want to say just so much better than I ever would have been able to.
Now if you have read my last post you will know I have been having a hard time dealing with some of what I'm finding out about myself and funily enough this morning I was really having a hard time with something I have chosen to do, so as I normally do when I'm in a place like this I went to media player and the first song that random selected for me today (yep random is a good friend) was Daughtry's Home ........ coincidence maybe but there are 2 lines in the song that everytime I hear them speak to me, the one is "I don't regret the life I chose for me" and the other "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all and then some you dont want"
Well, I certainly don't regret the life I've chosen, it may have it's painful moments, no pun intended and it may be costing me some serious soul searching at the moment, but the only regret I have is that it's taken me so damned long to get here and maybe that I let other people influence me away from what I knew deep down a long time ago was right for me.
The other line is very simlar to one my mom used to use on me years ago and it's funny but I probably do still believe that, funny thing is though sometime last year a friend and I where talking and the one question they asked me was if I had one wish what would it be and my answer without hesitation was that I would want to know where I was headed.
Funny how life works, it wasn't long after that conversation that I started the journey I'm on now and there are moments that I think I really don't want to be here and that I get really scared by what I am discovering about myself but those moments pass and I get back on track and then it feels like I'm finally home and I know that I'm exactly where I want to be be with the people I want to be with and that no matter what happens I will NEVER regret the path I've chosen after all we only get one shot at this and I intend to make this one heck of a ride................
Well I recently found an entire album that seems that way to me.
Every song seems to have something to say about some part of the journey I'm currently on and there are lines out of some of the songs that stand out so profoundly to me at this moment in time that its as if they are the very thoughts I'm having.
I have posted some of the song words recently because it really does seem as if Chris Daughtry has been in my head and his words have been able to say exactly what I want to say just so much better than I ever would have been able to.
Now if you have read my last post you will know I have been having a hard time dealing with some of what I'm finding out about myself and funily enough this morning I was really having a hard time with something I have chosen to do, so as I normally do when I'm in a place like this I went to media player and the first song that random selected for me today (yep random is a good friend) was Daughtry's Home ........ coincidence maybe but there are 2 lines in the song that everytime I hear them speak to me, the one is "I don't regret the life I chose for me" and the other "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all and then some you dont want"
Well, I certainly don't regret the life I've chosen, it may have it's painful moments, no pun intended and it may be costing me some serious soul searching at the moment, but the only regret I have is that it's taken me so damned long to get here and maybe that I let other people influence me away from what I knew deep down a long time ago was right for me.
The other line is very simlar to one my mom used to use on me years ago and it's funny but I probably do still believe that, funny thing is though sometime last year a friend and I where talking and the one question they asked me was if I had one wish what would it be and my answer without hesitation was that I would want to know where I was headed.
Funny how life works, it wasn't long after that conversation that I started the journey I'm on now and there are moments that I think I really don't want to be here and that I get really scared by what I am discovering about myself but those moments pass and I get back on track and then it feels like I'm finally home and I know that I'm exactly where I want to be be with the people I want to be with and that no matter what happens I will NEVER regret the path I've chosen after all we only get one shot at this and I intend to make this one heck of a ride................
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's over
yaaaaay......it's seems the drought is finally over. I managed to get some stuff on "paper" today that turned into to posts, although the intention was to post them seperately I think they are related so I'm going to post them both here in the order that they appeared and that makes sense to me:D
First up is no name brand........to much was touched on in this one to pick a name it was pretty much just cathartic
I’ve had a tough time in the last couple of weeks, some things have happened in my life that I have been having a more than just a little bit of a hard time dealing with. Firstly I have had to come to terms with the fact that my mom got it completely wrong. As much as I loved and respected her and realise she lived her life the best way she knew how, she got it wrong about so many things and that is really difficult to accept and compute. After all we where brought up to believe that our parents knew it all and they where the last word in what was right and wrong and good and bad. A conversation that sticks out in my head was had between us many years ago, it was the typical mother daughter chat (funny how it was always a chat, never a discussion). At the time I was dating someone that my mom must have seen as a prospective son in law, because this was one of those chats, yep she finally decided that at 24 it was time that she had that chat with me, a little late but I listened, I thought that maybe at last some great wisdom was going to be imparted. Boy was I wrong. I remember vividly how she sat me down and began with the warning that as she put it, “sex is nothing but a messy, mostly unwanted chore to be performed occasionally to keep the peace” her other pearl of wisdom for that day was that she would never understand anyone who said that they enjoyed any of it especially anything other than “missionary sex”, that was after all against nature. Now by that stage I had figured out for myself that I enjoyed sex and the last thing it was, was a chore. I had always known my parents where not happy (the fights where not the only sign even though they had tried to hide them or gloss them over as a normal part of marriage, but that and my views on marriage are a whole different post if not more). It made me realise just how unhappy they must have really been to feel that way about something that to me had never been anything but a pleasure except maybe that first time (also another story that needs telling but not now). This was also the beginning of a strange guilt for me. Yes I started to feel guilty for enjoying something that had obviously never been a pleasure for my mom. Here I was enjoying sex in some cases with someone that was nothing more than a ship passing in the night and my mom had never experienced that with someone who she admitted to have at some stage “loved”. It’s funny really but it wasn’t till recently when I started trying to figure out why I was fighting so hard against what I had realised I wanted (and yes sex makes up an integral part of what it is I want) that I started to examine when I had started to see some of the things I had enjoyed previously as wrong. And yes that chat with my mom kept on cropping up. But stranger still was that my behaviour after that chat had changed, I had slowly stopped seeing the guys I was seeing, it was as if something or in this case someone had literally stolen the joy and enjoyment out of our relationships. I suddenly went from being a girl who could be the life and soul of a party to being a girl who hated to party, who suddenly started avoiding the very people who had started me on the path to where I have finally arrived today. It wasn’t long after this chat that my ego suffered its death knell. The very guy who had inspired this chat from my mom and who had introduced me to the pleasure that could be derived from pain and submission and just how empowering it was to dominate or at least had opened my eyes to it decided to leave me. That I’m sure I could have dealt with what I had trouble with was the reasons he gave me for ending it. His first reason or at least that’s how he put it was that I had started to pull away from him and had stopped wanting to be with him, that the fun had gone out of our relationship. Yes we had had fun, sex had been about fun and exploring and experimenting for us both and I had suddenly lost my ability to have that kind of fun. It’s funny but the second reason also indirectly had to do with my lack of enthusiasm as far as experimenting went. He had decided that he wanted to explore another side of his sexuality and he didn’t think I was the girl to go there with him since I was obviously no longer into what we had been doing. So the end to our relationship had been my fault, the guilt about what I was doing had won. It’s funny I saw him years later and when we spoke about it, it was actually a route I would have willingly have gone with him, it had always been something I had thought about and probably would have acted on if not for that conversation with my mom. The strange thing about this is though that the hard time I’ve been having recently was started by a conversation I had with someone. And with that someone setting me a task to do with fantasies. I didn’t realise it at the time (had too much fun doing the task to realise anything). But one of the things we talked about brought back all the guilt and shame my mom managed to instil in that one chat. This sent me into a spiral of feeling guilty for what I want, then feeling bad for feeling guilty, then some more guilt for feeling bad about feeling guilty and so it went till the other night when I just couldn’t take anymore and I set myself a little project. So I sat myself down with each of these fantasies that had started this and made myself a list of why I should feel guilty for wanting it, a list of what I have or think I will enjoy about each one and finally a list of the reasons I want to do what ever it is that each fantasy represents …….sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it well after 3 days of disrupted attempts to get it done I finally finished it yesterday morning and I would love to say the guilt is gone but it’s not. But I have made the first steps to finally killing the guilt I will shortly start to remind myself of some of the things I loved about sex, bought and paid for and hopefully eventually totally guilt free. I’m also working on having someone to start the exploration with again, I know who I want it to be but just in case I’m working on a back up plan and no the back up plan does not need batteries. I have also realised that our parents are sometimes the last people we should listen to, the advise they give is coloured by the experiences they have had and what they deem to be not enjoyable, wrong, messy and painful may just be what you need to set you free and make you into the complete person you are meant to be no matter who that person may be. So yes in the last couple of weeks I have learnt a lot about who I am and why and what I want, I haven’t laughed all that much but I’m starting to again, I have loved my parents a little less but also a little more and I have decided that it is my life to live regardless of who says or thinks what and I am going to give living it the way I want to my very best shot……………
and secondly I have Normal .....not that there is anything normal about it
I have this picture in my mind that I’ve been trying to get rid of for the last week at least. It is a picture that in a normal frame of reference should freak me out and make me want to run away from the person that put it there as fast as I can instead I find myself wanting to run towards this person and this picture. It is a picture that is contrary to everything I was forced to believe where “normal”. It is a picture that most people would associate with someone being perverted and strange and yet this very picture has stuck in my head, and yes I find it extremely intriguing and quite frankly a total turn on. This picture has even evolved into a whole new set of fantasies that as little as 3 months ago would have totally freaked me out. But what has intrigued me even more than this picture that is so solidly stuck in my head is the fact that it has forced me to examine exactly what is normal and whose frame of reference exactly should we be using to determine what we think is normal. Do we use what we are taught by our parents? Because if that’s the case I’m so far from what my parents would have considered normal it would have scared the life out of them…. Do we use the frame of reference we develop at school? Because to me that is even more warped then the beliefs my parents tried to instil in me. Do we use our friends as a frame of reference for what should be normal…..Because in that case, what I’m getting from some of them, has me on a path straight to a life in a nunnery at best and some of the others would have me doing things that I’m quite sure would shock those nunnery bound friends straight into an early grave… So I’ve come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as normal…each of us has to decide for ourselves exactly what we are willing to do and not do and thereby establish our own normal and no matter how far removed from someone else’s normal yours is as long as you treat the others in your life with respect, kindness and caring you should be allowed to continue your journey to establishing your normal and maybe you will get very lucky and find someone whose normal corresponds with what you have established as your normal at least in some small way. So as long as you are living, loving and laughing maybe just maybe you will find a normal that works for you and that you can enjoy because trust me that’s what I aim to do no matter what anyone else thinks. So yes lesson learned…accept your normal and live it to make it the best normal you possibly can
First up is no name brand........to much was touched on in this one to pick a name it was pretty much just cathartic
I’ve had a tough time in the last couple of weeks, some things have happened in my life that I have been having a more than just a little bit of a hard time dealing with. Firstly I have had to come to terms with the fact that my mom got it completely wrong. As much as I loved and respected her and realise she lived her life the best way she knew how, she got it wrong about so many things and that is really difficult to accept and compute. After all we where brought up to believe that our parents knew it all and they where the last word in what was right and wrong and good and bad. A conversation that sticks out in my head was had between us many years ago, it was the typical mother daughter chat (funny how it was always a chat, never a discussion). At the time I was dating someone that my mom must have seen as a prospective son in law, because this was one of those chats, yep she finally decided that at 24 it was time that she had that chat with me, a little late but I listened, I thought that maybe at last some great wisdom was going to be imparted. Boy was I wrong. I remember vividly how she sat me down and began with the warning that as she put it, “sex is nothing but a messy, mostly unwanted chore to be performed occasionally to keep the peace” her other pearl of wisdom for that day was that she would never understand anyone who said that they enjoyed any of it especially anything other than “missionary sex”, that was after all against nature. Now by that stage I had figured out for myself that I enjoyed sex and the last thing it was, was a chore. I had always known my parents where not happy (the fights where not the only sign even though they had tried to hide them or gloss them over as a normal part of marriage, but that and my views on marriage are a whole different post if not more). It made me realise just how unhappy they must have really been to feel that way about something that to me had never been anything but a pleasure except maybe that first time (also another story that needs telling but not now). This was also the beginning of a strange guilt for me. Yes I started to feel guilty for enjoying something that had obviously never been a pleasure for my mom. Here I was enjoying sex in some cases with someone that was nothing more than a ship passing in the night and my mom had never experienced that with someone who she admitted to have at some stage “loved”. It’s funny really but it wasn’t till recently when I started trying to figure out why I was fighting so hard against what I had realised I wanted (and yes sex makes up an integral part of what it is I want) that I started to examine when I had started to see some of the things I had enjoyed previously as wrong. And yes that chat with my mom kept on cropping up. But stranger still was that my behaviour after that chat had changed, I had slowly stopped seeing the guys I was seeing, it was as if something or in this case someone had literally stolen the joy and enjoyment out of our relationships. I suddenly went from being a girl who could be the life and soul of a party to being a girl who hated to party, who suddenly started avoiding the very people who had started me on the path to where I have finally arrived today. It wasn’t long after this chat that my ego suffered its death knell. The very guy who had inspired this chat from my mom and who had introduced me to the pleasure that could be derived from pain and submission and just how empowering it was to dominate or at least had opened my eyes to it decided to leave me. That I’m sure I could have dealt with what I had trouble with was the reasons he gave me for ending it. His first reason or at least that’s how he put it was that I had started to pull away from him and had stopped wanting to be with him, that the fun had gone out of our relationship. Yes we had had fun, sex had been about fun and exploring and experimenting for us both and I had suddenly lost my ability to have that kind of fun. It’s funny but the second reason also indirectly had to do with my lack of enthusiasm as far as experimenting went. He had decided that he wanted to explore another side of his sexuality and he didn’t think I was the girl to go there with him since I was obviously no longer into what we had been doing. So the end to our relationship had been my fault, the guilt about what I was doing had won. It’s funny I saw him years later and when we spoke about it, it was actually a route I would have willingly have gone with him, it had always been something I had thought about and probably would have acted on if not for that conversation with my mom. The strange thing about this is though that the hard time I’ve been having recently was started by a conversation I had with someone. And with that someone setting me a task to do with fantasies. I didn’t realise it at the time (had too much fun doing the task to realise anything). But one of the things we talked about brought back all the guilt and shame my mom managed to instil in that one chat. This sent me into a spiral of feeling guilty for what I want, then feeling bad for feeling guilty, then some more guilt for feeling bad about feeling guilty and so it went till the other night when I just couldn’t take anymore and I set myself a little project. So I sat myself down with each of these fantasies that had started this and made myself a list of why I should feel guilty for wanting it, a list of what I have or think I will enjoy about each one and finally a list of the reasons I want to do what ever it is that each fantasy represents …….sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it well after 3 days of disrupted attempts to get it done I finally finished it yesterday morning and I would love to say the guilt is gone but it’s not. But I have made the first steps to finally killing the guilt I will shortly start to remind myself of some of the things I loved about sex, bought and paid for and hopefully eventually totally guilt free. I’m also working on having someone to start the exploration with again, I know who I want it to be but just in case I’m working on a back up plan and no the back up plan does not need batteries. I have also realised that our parents are sometimes the last people we should listen to, the advise they give is coloured by the experiences they have had and what they deem to be not enjoyable, wrong, messy and painful may just be what you need to set you free and make you into the complete person you are meant to be no matter who that person may be. So yes in the last couple of weeks I have learnt a lot about who I am and why and what I want, I haven’t laughed all that much but I’m starting to again, I have loved my parents a little less but also a little more and I have decided that it is my life to live regardless of who says or thinks what and I am going to give living it the way I want to my very best shot……………
and secondly I have Normal .....not that there is anything normal about it
I have this picture in my mind that I’ve been trying to get rid of for the last week at least. It is a picture that in a normal frame of reference should freak me out and make me want to run away from the person that put it there as fast as I can instead I find myself wanting to run towards this person and this picture. It is a picture that is contrary to everything I was forced to believe where “normal”. It is a picture that most people would associate with someone being perverted and strange and yet this very picture has stuck in my head, and yes I find it extremely intriguing and quite frankly a total turn on. This picture has even evolved into a whole new set of fantasies that as little as 3 months ago would have totally freaked me out. But what has intrigued me even more than this picture that is so solidly stuck in my head is the fact that it has forced me to examine exactly what is normal and whose frame of reference exactly should we be using to determine what we think is normal. Do we use what we are taught by our parents? Because if that’s the case I’m so far from what my parents would have considered normal it would have scared the life out of them…. Do we use the frame of reference we develop at school? Because to me that is even more warped then the beliefs my parents tried to instil in me. Do we use our friends as a frame of reference for what should be normal…..Because in that case, what I’m getting from some of them, has me on a path straight to a life in a nunnery at best and some of the others would have me doing things that I’m quite sure would shock those nunnery bound friends straight into an early grave… So I’ve come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as normal…each of us has to decide for ourselves exactly what we are willing to do and not do and thereby establish our own normal and no matter how far removed from someone else’s normal yours is as long as you treat the others in your life with respect, kindness and caring you should be allowed to continue your journey to establishing your normal and maybe you will get very lucky and find someone whose normal corresponds with what you have established as your normal at least in some small way. So as long as you are living, loving and laughing maybe just maybe you will find a normal that works for you and that you can enjoy because trust me that’s what I aim to do no matter what anyone else thinks. So yes lesson learned…accept your normal and live it to make it the best normal you possibly can
Thursday, February 5, 2009
One of those things
Yep, I still dont have much to say, I seem to be having a bit of trouble sorting out my thoughts and I dont feel I can share any of them till I know where they are leading me, so till I figure it out I guess I'll just keep on going and I hope to come out on the other side in one piece.
Yes I'm living, no I'm not laughing much, Yes I'm loving but I'm not sure I really want to, but at least I am learning something about myself and the people I care about and even a few I dont
Yes I'm living, no I'm not laughing much, Yes I'm loving but I'm not sure I really want to, but at least I am learning something about myself and the people I care about and even a few I dont
Monday, February 2, 2009
Distraction
I haven't had much to say this last week......I've been just a little distracted.
Hopefully I will be able to get my thoughts in order and get something down on "paper" soon
Hopefully I will be able to get my thoughts in order and get something down on "paper" soon
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