It's one of those perfect days that I love, grey, overcast, cold but not to cold with a promise of rain, a day perfect for cuddling and hot chocolate.
The kind of day that normally gives me such hope and energy and yet today I can't seem to even find it within myself to see anything good never mind see the beauty I normally see in days like this.
The clouds almost encasing the world in a puffy grey layer of cotton wool, the pigeons clustered together in little dents in the ground for warmth that make me marvel at the ingenuity of nature. The crispness in the air that energises me , its all left me feeling NOTHING, even the prospect of hot chocolate with marshmallows can't seem to bring a smile to my face.
My brother thinks it's that tomorrow would have been my mom's 59th birthday, but it's not. Yes I miss her, yes I wish she was here because I have so much I would like to share and I'd like her to see how far I've come and to hear her laugh at how stupid I know I've been in some respects.
But that's NOT it.
It's something else, something I feel deep inside, something I can't explain, something that I'm scared to look at because I have a feeling I'm not going to like what it is I see. It's something that has me feeling more alone than I've ever felt and has me scared. It's almost as if I'm saying goodbye and letting go of something but I'm not sure what. It's strange to realise I'm scared, I'm alone and I'm in desperate need of the one thing I don't have and theres absolutely nothing I can do about it, even if I could find it anywhere in me to want to do something. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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