Boy oh boy, I am driving myself nuts now, I started off writing a post about change, took a detour past what I want in a relationship, via the 3 men who have had an impact on my life in the last year back to change and now here I am at trying to figure out feelings or at least that’s where I think this post is going. I started thinking about it while I was writing about the guys and the impact they had on me and how different my feelings for the 2 that are still here are and yes here comes the big shocking admission that’s bound to send them both running for the hills but I’m going to say it anyway. I love them both. Just in very different ways.
And before anyone jumps to conclusions that may be wrong let me clarify that even though I love them both I am not at this point in love with either of them.
With the first there is that passion, laughter, fun and I hope respect and understanding. I love him for the way he makes me feel when I’m with him, I love him for everything I’m learning about myself because of him, I love him for the fact that he is allowing me to explore who I am and is right there with me discovering things I never knew about myself, I love the things we share, the things we do together, I love the time I spend with him, I’ve never felt as alive as I do when I’m with him. I love that we have as much in common as we do, I love that we would both be considered strange if people knew some of the things we know about each other, I love the fact that I can talk to him, I love that for the first time in a really long time I feel I can trust. I love the way he makes out that his kid’s are the Bain of his existence and yet he lights up with love and pride when he talks about them So yes I love him and yes it’s going to hurt like hell when he’s not there anymore as I’ve already learnt. But I got a second chance and hopefully if there is a next time I will have grown enough to go on without it hurting as much as I know it did.
The second is a gentle soul who needs me in some small way, he makes me feel cared for and nurtured, he respects me for who, I am and is growing with me and I love him for it. I love that he’s jealous even though he knew going in he wasn’t the only man in my life just like I knew I wasn’t the only woman in his. I love that he is giving me a chance to explore the one side of me that I’m scared of, I love that he thinks my million useless facts are cute, I love that I can talk movies with him and that it even includes “chick flicks” I love that he is protective of me but is sh!t scared of the one person I need the most protection from. I love the way his kids are his world and how he drops everything for them even if it wrecks plans weeks in the making. I love the fact that he and his ex-wife are still best friends even after 2 failed attempts at marriage. I love that he wants me to be independent but can’t resist doing little things that make me just a little dependant on him. Did it hurt when we suddenly didn’t connect anymore, yes but I survived. Am I going to waste this second chance? No, because I think that he is someone I could build a future with.
So there you have it not only do I care to much as one of them told me ;) but now I’ve admitted to an even bigger fault I love as well
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