Gone

Worse

It'll always surprise me how when you think things cant possibly get any worse they always find a way to be :(

:) Just another thought on thought

"The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings."

Buddha

Persevere

"Few things are impossible to diligence and skill... Great works are performed, not by strength, but perseverance."

Samuel Johnson

*wink*

Blah, blah, ramble, ramble, dreams, nightmares and stuff

"This is the best day the World has ever seen. Tomorrow will be better."

R A Campbell

And here I was thinking I was the only one who woke up from a dream this morning with a feeling that today to misquote the Black Eyed Peas of all people was "going to be a good, good day".

I've been waking up for days now at an ungodly hour from a dream that strangely I remember in detail and stranger still stays the same.

Same people, same place, same feelings, same emotions, same outcome and same sudden return to "consciousness".

I wake up though not with a sense of despair, foreboding or any other such bad sudden waking up sensations usually associated with nightmares or bad dreams though, not that this is in anyway one of those, but rather with a sense of peace, I'd go as far as contentment and even a sense of finally I'm on the path I'm supposed to be on but the feeling that is more intense and therefore seemingly more important is the sense of impending change and I mean change in a HUGE way.

Normally this would scare the "bedinges" (don't you just love how certain afrikaans words are SO expressive *giggle*) out of me because like most people I'm not to keen on change.

But this change whatever it is going to be doesn't. It's almost as if with the repetitive dream and the feelings that come with it the "universe" in whichever guise it's working here is telling me that this change is for the good, that those involved are going to benefit, grow no actually more like thrive after the events leading to this change happening actually happen.

The oddest thing about this whole thing though apart from that I'm remembering this dream, is the fact that I am remembering this dream in such vivid detail, right down to things that are said and felt, smells that are smelt, colours that are seen no actually more like experienced and events that happen.

It's actually almost like a sense of watching a favourite movie you have watched many times before when the dream starts because I know what will happen next and I can almost feel myself relaxing and accepting the inevitability of whats about to happen.

This for me is as I've said more than a little strange because like most people change scares me AND yet I'm not feeling fear but rather anticipation, excitement and a sense of "hell yes it's about time" with regard to whatever this is.

So bring on the day, bring on the change and more importantly bring on the laughter and yes to badly misuse a quote from a friend as well bring on the "peace and love" ;)

Giggle

A positive attitude and a happy disposition may not solve your problems! but it will drive enough people insane to provide a bit of entertainment .......

:)

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." Josh Billings

Yeah, right *insert eyeroll here*

If you continually give, you will continually have.

Go ahead be overwhelmed :)

"When a just cause reaches its flood tide - whatever stands in the way must fall before its overwhelming power." Carrie Chapman Catt

No more

"A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus in the course of victory"

Arthur Golden

It's time to put my doubts aside and accept that good thing can happen to me and so can good people. I hope theyt're here to stay :)

Oh for more of both :P

Little and often makes much.

Unique

"Do not compare yourself with others, for you are a unique and wonderful creation. Make your own beautiful footprints in the snow."

Barbara Kimball

Am I???

"You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through."

Rosalynn Carter

Who I am

"Who you are is a necessary step to being who you will be."

Emmanuel

Something I'm finally learning

"Do not compare yourself with others, for you are a unique and wonderful creation. Make your own beautiful footprints in the snow."
Barbara Kimball

Just for you

Have an AWSOME weekend everyone

silence

I've decided discretion is the better part of valour with whats on my mind at the moment.......... Time to talk to the person involved and let him know what I'm thinking and feeling rather than eluding to it in public......Looks like I'm finally growing in the right direction after all :)

And yes I'm also finally making time to live, love and laugh

Thanks ;)
(you know who you are)

"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." Richard Bach

Plant some

Much more grows in the garden than that which is planted there.

Speechless

There is so much bubbling up in me again and yet nothing is taking shape:(

On the upside they do say silence is golden so I'm going to shut up and get rich (if only)

All I need or want right NOW

Imagine that

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H.L. Mencken

*shakes head*

I had a whole long post that I was going to do about how the glass being half full perspective regardless of the drama had kept me on my feet and going forward over the last 3 or 4 months through some of the toughest times I'd ever experienced even though I'd had my glass half empty days as well. And then life stepped in again tonight and sort of just ripped the mat out from under me again:( so now I'm fighting myself and trying really hard to remember the glass is half full so I guess I'm putting the prepared post on hold for a little while, just till I see things as glass half full again though promise :/

Nothing to gain

"This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him."

William Lyon Phelp

Another truism

"Whether a glass is half full or half empty depends on the attitude of the person looking at it."

Source Unknown

I have so much I could say about this one but sadly I don't have the time right now, hopefully this evening I'll get a chance :)

Me, rambling again :P

"We cannot do great things; only small things with great love. Mother Teresa"

This has always been a favourite quote of mine and for some reason today it has been playing on my mind along with a couple of other things that I didn't realise till this evening are all inter connected.

It's one of those quotes that has so much to do with who we are as "humans" and how we live our lives though and it was what started today's little stroll into who I am.

We all at some stage believe we can achieve "great" things and that maybe greatness is our destiny or so I'm lead to believe.

I have however never felt that way, I can honestly say that I have lived my life feeling inadequate and incapable of anything "big". In short not good enough.

A perception of myself that was enforced over the years, first by my father and his utter disregard for me even though I loved him unconditionally and wanted nothing more than his approval. Then by my mother, although I don't think she ever realised that her complete devotion to my brother and his needs and her claims that I was doing OK so I didn't need her made me feel that way.

I of course followed this up with a series of bad relationships all of which in someway further eroded my belief in myself and my abilities.

I've even been made to believe that my ability to love makes me a lesser human, that it makes me less worthy and a failure because I have failed again by not putting myself first by loving someone. Which has of course lead to me pulling away from those I love for the simple reason that I don't need to be reminded that I'm not good enough again since it's something I already know.

Today though I realised that it is precisely that ability to love that is my greatest achievement. I may not achieve great things through science, the pursuit of world peace or any of those other "important" things. But by loving those who are part of my life and who are important to me and giving myself and all I have to them without question or condition and fighting for them and what I see in them, I am making a difference in my own small way. I haven't quiet figured out how I'm making that difference yet but I'm certain I am and guess what I going to keep loving and keep giving and keep fighting because I'm finally realising that I'm good enough to do just that and so much more. So my small things that I do out of love are my first steps to my very own form of greatness.

I guess I'm twice as evil after all :D

Have an AWSOME Monday everyone!!!!!!

So very, very true

"It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Friendship

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

Walter Winchell

I've found mine in the last few months and to each of you I just want to say Thank You, each of you mean the world to me and then some :)

*Shrug*

Who knows why:(

Happiness

"Happiness is the act of being tough with ourselves and tender with others."

Source Unknown

2010

"Above all, challenge yourself. You may well suprise yourself at what strengths you have, what you can accomplish." Cecile M Springer

Fireflies

Fireflies lyrics
Songwriters: Young, Adam;

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

I'm not one for cutesy "pop" songs but there is something about this one that appeals to me :)

It's Weekend :D

LOVE

"When God puts love and compassion in your heart toward someone,

He’s offering you an opportunity to make a difference in that person’s life.

You must learn to follow that love.

Don’t ignore it. Act on it. Somebody needs what you have."

Joel Osteen

Power

"The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use - of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public."

Robert F. Kennedy

Slow Down

"For fast-acting relief, try slowing down."

Lily Tomlin

In search of

"A man is not old as long as he is seeking something." Jean Rostand

And here it starts

I had this whole post written in my head about how damn lucky I’ve been this week to be sitting with offers for not one but two jobs and how this year was starting off with a hugely positive bang for me. Well trust the universe to remind you with an even bigger bang that you have no control and as great as things seem the next loss is just around the corner. I got the news this evening that a longtime, well I consider 24 odd years is a long time anyway friends mother has just passed away suddenly. She was like a mother to my brother and I during a particularly rough time in our parent’s marriage and even now when either of us needed a mother to talk to and even more so since my mom passed away we’d pick up the phone and talk to her. The worst of course that as much as we’d like to be there for Marcelle now like she was for us when we lost our mom I know there is just no way that we can. The best I can do is to keep Marcelle, Pete and both their families in my thoughts and prayers and hope that, that at least helps.

Marcelle, Pete what can I say except luv you guys and I’ll be thinking of you at this really difficult time.

Good Bye Aunty V we’ll miss you stax

We could be SO much more

"Men are often capable of greater things than they perform. They are sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full extent."

Horace Walpole

:)

In the end

In the end there are three things that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love.

Manners maketh the man

"Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot." Clarence Thomas

Happiness

"The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions - the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heart-felt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling." Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Live, Love, Laugh

Random Me

Letting Go

You'd think that having spent the better part of today going through more of my mom's boxes I'd be in a bad place and yet strangely enough I'm not. For the first time in the longest time I feel like I'm finally on the right track again and yes I know I should have finished my mom's things and they should have all been sorted and disposed of ages ago but I just haven't been in the right place to do it. I don't know why but till today it felt like I was betraying her by giving away her things, almost as if I was giving her away. I'm not going to think it to death , I'm not going to over analyse and I'm certainly not going to question it. I'm just glad that I'm finally ready to let go.

Soccer and 2010

Being South African it's fully expected that we get all excited about and involved in the fact that we as a country are hosting this year's soccer world cup. I'll be honest and tell you I'd probably be more excited about the prospect of a lobotomy. This country has wasted billions of rands that could have been far better utilised delivering on the promises that government made 15 years ago and still has to deliver on. The saddest thing to me is that so many people are pinning their hopes and futures on the "fortune" to be made from the soccer tourists, I don't see it, all I see is the guaranteed increase in crime with the resulting loss of innocent lives both foreign and local. Don't get me wrong the optimist in me is really hoping that we pull this off without incident just to prove to the world that Africa can do it, but the realist in me says hell no this is Africa and if we as a continent can't feed, clothe, employ and house the majority of our people how on earth can we do this without incident.

Hopes

Yes I'll admit it I've come in to the new year with lots of personal hopes. I had a really bad year last year what with being retrenched, losing friends and loved ones to death, divorce and a whole string of other bad things and I'm hoping that this year is going to be a much better one. At least it's starting on a good note, I start a new job on Tuesday morning and I'm really excited about getting back out there and doing something, being at home since September has NOT been fun. I realised I am definitely not stay at home anything material. On the up side I have had time to do a lot of soul searching and have dealt with a few of my inner demons. Unfortunately I still have quite a few that need dealing with but I'm just going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time and hopefully by this time next year a whole lot more of the demons will be gone. And another thing if it wasn't for a few amazing people who filled the end of last year with lots of love and laughter and one in particular who was there when it would have been so much easier for him to just walk away like others did, I don't know how I would have survived the worst 4 months I can remember ever having. They will never know just how much their love and support meant to me. So here is hoping that this year is filled with loads of love and laughter for all of us and that this year's blog will be filled with more good than bad, more happiness than sadness and that the lessons learned will all lead to LOVE and LAUGHTER

So true

If only we'd all remember!!!!

One step at a time

"This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything."

Scott Reed

I've chosen my goals now it's time to take those first steps :D

A different

take on depicting "Peace and Love". I'd even go as far as to say pretty hands on :P

Imagine

I was looking for something totally unrelated and I came across a number of "peace and love" pictures on a site I found and I guess since that's pretty much all any of us are really looking for I decided I'd post some of them over the next few days just as a reminder to us all but mostly to myself really. I decided to start with this one since it has the words to one of my all time favourite songs as it's core ingredient and yes well if only we could all stop imagining and actually start living the premise behind it. So to quote someone I know who has a rare gift and who can make me feel totally at peace.....

"Peace and Love"

Delight

"To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence." Arthur Schopenhauer

After the year I've just had I should be ecstatic, somehow I'm not though :P Maybe because they're not quite over, although I do live in hope that they will be soon

361 days thats all it took

"but despite all this going on around them they seemed genuinely happy and I even revised my earlier notion from countdown till one of them leaves to maybe just maybe they do have a shot and will actually make it................. and here's holding thumbs that they do beat the odds and become the one in what ever the statistic is that does make it."

I posted that a short 361 days ago.

Sadly I heard yesterday that not even a year later one of them has left :(

I had hoped that I would be wrong about this one, that this would be the one that worked but once again life has reminded me that marriage is NOT a good idea.

It's a long sad story of things that make me regret once again that I'm a woman because of the way some woman behave when they supposedly act out of love.

Don't get me wrong I do believe in love and commitment.

What I don't believe in is this notion that you have to spend your entire life with one person.

People grow, people change and not always in the same way at the same time , you stop communicating, you stop wanting to be together and in a lot of cases the feelings you have for someone change, simply put you grow apart.

It's sad but it's inevitable.

I remember a conversation I had with my Gran when I was 15 or 16 and something she said to me then has stuck with me and taking into account that she and my Grandfather spent 40 odd years happily married it was definitely NOT something you would have expected to hear from her. What she said was that we aren't meant to spend our entire lives loving just one person. That nobody has only one soul mate but rather a number of soul mates that come into our lives when we're ready to learn, teach and grow with them. It took a long time for me to realise she was right, that you love different people differently at different times and that when things change and you've given that person all you have to give them and you can no longer be together you need to move on. It's not failure it's growth.

I could go on and on and about this topic, about fighting for what you believe in, about fighting for your love, about fighting for the children's sake, about fighting to save something society says needs to be forever but the common thread there is fighting and when thats all you do maybe it's time to walk away. And yes I know I'm going to get the but what about the children comments and the but the Bible says so comments and probably a ship load of others not friendly comments as well because most people don't agree with my opinion but it's exactly that my opinion. And it's an opinion developed over the years, first as a child of parents who should NOT have been together but stayed together for the children, then as the girl who believed in love and forever, then as girl who stayed because she didn't want to be the failure and lastly as a girl who has found that love is ever changing and evolving and so are the people she loves and that inevitably means that someday you have to stop being together.

People of worth

"No sooner said than done - so acts your man of worth."

Quintus Ennius