Channeling Cher again today

"Strong Enough"

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it

I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
I'm telling you

Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go 

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true

I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Stron enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

I'll be your clown

"Clown"

I guess it's funnier from where you're standing
Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing
I've done it again
Another number for your notes

I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate
I'd be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out 
How I can move from the back of the line

[Chorus:]
I'll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go 'head and laugh
Cause it's funny
I would too if I saw me
I'll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life's a circus circus
Round in circles
I'm selling out tonight

I'd be less angry if it was my decision
And the money was just rolling in
If I had more than my ambition
I'll have time for 'Please'
I'll have time for 'Thank you'
As soon as I win

[Chorus]

From a distance my choice is simple
From a distance I can entertain
So you can see me
I put make-up on my face
But there's no way you can feel it
From so far away

[Chorus]

a final step

I am not sure that I am suicidal but I do finally know what it feels like to be in such immense and overwhelming emotional pain that no matter how I look at it ending it seems the only viable option.

I have hit that brick wall where living with the pain has stopped making sense,  where I can't explain it, where no matter what I say it sounds crazy because how the hell do you explain something that you don't understand yourself.

It feels as if my soul is breaking into a million pieces, as if I dropped something fragile and precious and I have no hope of ever finding all the pieces or putting them all back together again.

Here I sit on what would have been my mother's 64th birthday alone, in tears and close to hysterical, facing things that I cant explain because I don't understand them myself.

I am suddenly terrified of the fact that I am alone.
I am terrified of the idea that at any moment my life will end and I have done nothing.
I have no one to call mine,
no children,
no family,
no successful career,
no home of my own,
I even have to rely on others to do things like my shopping.
All I have to show for my existence are a few meager possessions that weren't even mine to begin with.

Don't get me wrong I have 2 of the best friends a girl could ever want and who I am there for no questions asked, I have children that I couldn't love more if I had given birth to them myself and yes there is someone, someone who has given me the freedom to be myself, someone who showed me the way to myself, someone I would gladly die for and who I think cares about me as well in his own way.

And there is lays the rub I guess, how can I still be so scared, so sad, so hurt, how can I still need and want more. How can I be so needy, inconsiderate and even selfish when I have so much more than so many others? How can I be sitting here in so much pain praying for an end to it all?

I can't put the pain or emotions into words, I can't explain the simplest thing like needing to be held and comforted, I can't even explain why I can't bring myself to beg this time, all I know is I can't, I need it to be about me.

So yes, all I really do know I guess is that I am in too much pain to keep going and I have to find a way to end the pain whatever that ends up being

Stupid and pathetic

I'm feeling so stupid and pathetic this morning.
It doesn't compute.
None of it does.
I had an great weekend.
I had fun.
It was exciting.
I experienced new things.
Did things for the first time.
Did things for and with someone who means the world to me.
I should be on top of the world, really I should.
But ...........................................................

For some reason I find myself needing to talk to the one person I don't seem to be able to get alone.
I need something I don't know what it is.
I find myself craving reassurance, needing validation, wanting something I'm not even sure what.

As I said stupid and pathetic.

Rambling I guess

Got SO much going on in my head today.

My feelings are SO intense almost overwhelming.

Things are changing, for the better I hope.

Foolish maybe but something has changed for me it's like I finally see myself and it's odd and intense and empowering all at the same time.

Been listening to this and two other songs on repeat, songs that are talking to me, saying things that I don't quite get yet. But it's this one that is giving me goosebumps everywhere, not really an Avril Lavigne fan I think it was the Chad Kroeger connection that first drew me to it, Nickleback SO need a new album.............

"Let Me Go"

(with Chad Kroeger)

[Avril Lavigne]
Love that once hung on the wall
Used to mean something, but now it means nothing
The echoes are gone in the hall
But I still remember, the pain of December

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late

[Chorus]
I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go

[Chad Kroeger]
You came back to find I was gone
And that place is empty,
Like the hole that was left in me
Like we were nothing at all
It's not what you meant to me
Thought we were meant to be

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late

[Chorus]
I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go

I let it go and now I know
A brand new life is down this road
And when it's right, you always know
So this time I won't let go

There's only one thing left here to say
Love's never too late

[Chorus]
I've broken free from those memories
I've let it go, I've let it go
And two goodbyes led to this new life
Don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

[4x]
Won't let you go, don't let me go