Are you going to waste today???

Balls curved and otherwise :P

I have SO much on my mind again today.

Life has thrown me another in a looooong line of curve balls and I am now well and truly sick of them (yes totally G@TVOL, sometimes Afrikaans really does say it best) So much so that I'm starting to think it's time to just let it all go and disappear. I've been taking this shit for so long I know it's got to end eventually I'm just not sure that I have the balls (figuratively speaking naturally being a girl and all :P) to stick around till it does. I know deep down I will, I just don't feel I can. I guess I'm having a moment of temporary weakness again today and as they say in them there classics ......... this to shall pass......... just wish it would hurry the h3ll up :P

And

This is why I don't do Halloween, pumpkins just can't control themselves :P

Yes Sir,

"A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher though, awakens your own expectations."

Patricia Neal

:)

A day early but what the h3ll, I'm going to run me one and enjoy the peace and quiet...........

No more doubts

"While the mind is in doubt it is driven this way and that by a slight impulse."

Terence

Well at least not in one area anyway :P

Jiggle Giggle

Oh the things I imagine:P

"What is now proven was once only imagined."

William Blake

Its all in the look :)

"An eye can threaten like a loaded and levelled gun, or it can insult like hissing or kicking; or, in its altered mood, by beams of kindness, it can make the heart dance for joy."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never

I'm sure as h3ll not going to. I have way to much in my life that makes me happy even if the road seems excessively bumpy right now :)

The enemy

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."

Eric Hoffer

Now if I could just figure out who exactly my enemy is :(

Lessons

After my realisation about myself on Friday and the appearance of what seemed to be the start of my way back from the darkness I've been inhabiting for the last little while, life has seen fit to throw even more cr@p at me and I'm back to feeling more than a little like I can't and quite frankly don't want to go on. I've reached my breaking point in more than one way or at least that's how it feels right now. I know everyone will say I'm supposed to learn from this and I wish I knew what the h3ll it was that I'm supposed to be learning because I really don't see anything of value coming from what I'm going through right now. But then who am I to say whether there is or isn't a lesson to be learned or even whether I'm learning it :(

I found these lyrics that I wanted to post. They where going to be part of a far more positive post I wanted to write about what it is that I've realised about myself and the fact that I've finally learnt that loving doesn't make me weak and needy but rather powerful and able to give of myself without losing myself as I had in the past. That post has been canned for now since I feel anything but powerful and quite frankly I feel very weak and very needy and in desperate need of some form of love and acknowledgement from someone, anyone and yes I even wish I could lose that little bit of myself that is suddenly becoming self aware because I'm very aware of the fact that I want to disappear again. I have decided to post the lyrics though because they no, actually I'm going to post them just because I like them and want to be back where I was when I first found them on Friday:(

Lessons Learned

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

Life

Just when I thought things were finally getting back on track life had to go and happen :(

Storm watching

I somehow got myself volunteered to watch a friends two girls aged 10 and 7 yesterday while their dad joined the crowd downstairs to Lan and being around them was like watching a storm build and break around me. We spent the evening escaping to Nim's Island, attempting to make muffins (ok so they made more mess than muffins but they had fun) and being all girly playing with make up and nail polish. Watching the enthusiasim, energy and excitement with which they tackled these simple things was incredible. It made me remember just how much we lose as we grow up and what we as adults miss out on. Although I can say honestly by the time they left I was only to glad sit back and chill with a friend and a bottle of wine. The experience though has left me in a really strange place. It has me wondering about myself and some of the things I do and the ways I react to things, so now I have me a storm building in my mind again while I try to figure this odd wondering out ........ I guess I got caught in the eye of their storm :P

Fearless and Free

Experience

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions."

Oliver Wendell Holmes

Revolution & Love

Books vs People

"Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as by the latter."

Paxton Hood

Thank you for your patience, regular programming will now resume :P

Love fascinates, frustrates and intrigues me for so many different reasons and yet it still remains one of the things I do most easily.

Over the years I have treated people and love in one of two ways, I let people get close, let them in, love them and get hurt or keep them at arms length, don’t let them in and contrary to what I had hoped still got hurt. I’ve written about the different types of love, I’ve written about those I love, I’ve written about walking away from and losing love and I’ve even written about not letting people in before but last night I had real wake up and smell the coffee moment that finally started to put things into perspective for me.

I finally figured out what the common thread in all this was for me and it was that regardless of whether you let people in or not, it is human nature to place expectations on people and it is when they don’t meet those expectations that you get hurt. Take away the expectations and things don’t hurt as much. But I guess that’s going to need a better explanation so here it is.

I had dinner with a group of friends last night. It was NOT a dinner I was looking forward to, I didn’t want to have to spend my evening with people I no longer connect with and I most certainly didn’t want to spend the evening with one person in particular. I wanted to be with someone else I couldn’t get out of my mind not someone I’d inadvertently been guilted into inviting to dinner because his brother had mentioned that he had told him that he was having dinner with us, a person I was feeling guilty about cutting out my life all because I couldn’t deal with the change in our relationship. I invited him anyway.

You’ll remember him from previous posts in the distant past as someone I referred to as my knight in shining armour. He is someone I had an instant connection with and over the years came to love deeply, yes I’ll even admit that I was madly in love with him for a long time but it all seemed to be very one sided so as much as it hurt I stopped. I moved on or at least I tried to. I went on with my life and went back to not letting people in. I eventually realised I needed people and started letting them in again and started “seeing” other people and then he had a change of heart and wanted more from me, a more that I was no longer able to give, a more that I no longer wanted. I tried staying friendly but it wasn’t long before we went our separate ways. I cut him out of my life because I knew that my other relationships where hurting him and I knew that I couldn’t deal with that or the fact that I no longer loved him. Unfortunately I have remained close to his brother so he has always been a topic that seemed to come up in conversation. This just served to increase my guilt and as all things that make you feel bad about yourself do, I reached that point where I had to decide yesterday whether to accept my guilt and face him or to leave things the way they were. As I said the guilt won and I had to face him.

It was an odd experience. I went in feeling guilty and expecting him to be angry and hurt, mostly because that’s what I was feeling without realising it. There was none of that, we spent the whole evening talking to each other, we even skipped dinner and when he left I felt so much better. After I thought about it I realised that I actually do still love him, just in a totally different way. And the guilt was actually because I was angry and hurt by the way things had happened. I had expected him to love me when I was ready for him to love me and when he didn’t I did what we all do I tried to remove the hurt the only way I thought I could. Instead of accepting it I hid it. Things changed and I moved on and when he was ready to love me I no longer wanted to love him. I was angry that he now wanted what I’d wanted for so long, I was angry that it took other people to make him see it, I was angry that he now expected me to do exactly what I had previously expected him to do and I was hurt that he never put up more of a fight when I cut him out my life.

That is now something I know how to deal with and as I said I do still love him in different way and this time the difference is I know not to expect anything because I have learnt this year that love hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much if you go in with no expectations just patience, kindness, trust, hope and perseverance. That is when love doesn’t fail.

It’s not easy but I’m working on it and yes I am loving, I’m laughing, I’m living again and I’m very definitely learning.

Patience rewarded

This is the second thing that popped into my head and yes love was one of the thoughts I asked for patience with and yes I did spend some time looking for the perfect version of this to post and yes I found some really beautiful ones with seascapes, beaches, couples, hearts, flowers and all sorts of other cutesy romantic depictions of the verse.

Heck I even found a tramp stamp version which I may still post just for the giggle.

But of all those beautiful and elaborate depictions this one stood out the most.

It is simple, it is honest and it is exactly what I wanted to show, that on the most basic level love is all these things. It is not hearts and flowers, it is not romance and passion , it is not grand gestures and wild excitement. It is patient, it is kind, it is gentle and it trusts, it hopes and it perseveres and that it's not love that fails but we as humans that fail. And we fail not because we don't love, we fail because we are human and we put human expectations on love. And it's those expectations that eventually erode love and turn it to hate and bitterness.

*Giggle*

Way to distract yourself girl.

Two things popped into my head after my last post asking for patience.

The first I will post as soon as I find the perfect version.

The second was just a silly little memory that made me giggle.

Those of you from the good old RSA will most likely remember years ago when the SABC had technical problems with whatever they were busy broadcasting there was this picture they used to broadcast of a film reel with a little monster of sorts with the word "please be patient we have a problem" (Eishkom need one of these me thinks but yeah different post that all together) (and yes I looked for the picture but couldn't find it on the net :( ). Anyway my dad would always read it to my brother, who at that stage couldn't read and wanted to know what the words said as "Please be problem we have a patient". Ok, it's really only funny to me, but it tickled and I decided to listen :P

Please be patient

I'm in an awfully odd place this morning, I feel like bursting from all I have that I want to say here and elsewhere and yet I can't seem to get my thoughts in enough of a straight line for them to make sense to me never mind to anyone else. So please be patient while I attempt to get my thoughts in a semi straight enough line to understand :P

I know what mine is do you??

"You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if it's a little thing, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it."

:P

It's raining it's pouring...........need I say more :D

:)

"If you make it plain you like people, it's hard for them to resist liking you back."

Who said it was a man in the moon???

Uhm

I've just done either a really smart thing or a really stupid thing. I blew off an interview for no good reason other than it all just felt WRONG. . . . . . .

The way I was approached, the info I received and didn't receive. It all just felt very wrong.

Maybe I'm losing it, you tell me.

I got this phone call late yesterday afternoon from this guy. He introduces himself as Whatever (only first name no surname), an HR manger for Xyz (really big company we've all heard of). Anyway he tells me he came across my cv on one of the sites I'm registered with and would like to meet with me. So far everything seems ok, no alarm bells. He then asks me, am I working at present, which I'm not followed by, do I have my own transport and oh that means I can meet him today. Yes I say, no problem, but what type of post is it. Oh no, we can discuss that when we meet, he says. He then asks me to bring a copy of my cv and id with me as he would like to see my cv and do I have my own transport. Not to worried yet maybe he never heard me when I answered him. Ok, he says. He'll get his PA to sms me the details of where to meet him and if I need to contact him I can on the number that he called on. And then his last comment which I didn't pay much attention to "oh and don't forget to dress nicely" So I'm sitting last night and this conversation keeps playing over and over in my head and it starts bugging me for some reason. And the more I think about it the more it's bugging me. Anyway I get up this morning get ready to go and the voice in the back of my head starts in on me again. Something is just not right and why the comment about dressing nicely. A couple of other things then start bugging me, it is hard to explain but it all just seems wrong and every fibre of my being is telling me don't go.

So I didn't . . . . .

YOU

You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy... when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You love... when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise... when you know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true... when you admit there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive... when tomorrows hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.

You are growing... when you know that you are but not what you are becoming.

You are free... when you are in control of yourself but do not wish to control others.

You are honourable... when you find your honour is to honour others.

You are humble... when you do not know how humble you are.

You are beautiful... when you don't need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich... when you never need more than you have.

You are you... when you are at peace with who you are not.

Failure

"Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure."

George E. Woodberry

What tarot has to say about me

The King of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in emotional availability. I inspire, protect and nurture with reliable compassion, respect, and affection. I am a master in the art and am secure enough in my role to connect to, express and pursue my hearts desire while defending the greater good of those who rely on me. I am empowered by consistency and patience while trust is my gift or Holy Grail.

Ok, someone sent it to me and it gave me a giggle for the simple reason that some of it is SO right :)

Learned my lesson

Told you I'd fallen in love with the man and his writting buddies :D

Learned My Lesson

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you'll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for the sweet dream
But somehow the darkness wakes me up
Well I felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I've been broken
I still run right back for more

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike that match
You're bound to feel the flame
You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
And paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Well it turns out
I haven't learned a thing

Oh yeah

Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
Didn't give up the longing, believing
And belonging
Just hold down my head and take the lost

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike that match
You're bound to feel the flame
You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
And paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Well it turns out
I haven't learned a thing

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike that match
You're bound to feel the flame
You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
And paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out
I haven't learned a thing

I haven't learned a thing
I haven't learned, haven't learned
I haven't learned a thing

Bear hug with a difference :D

Silly little memories

Growing up in a small town definetly is a unique experience that comes with it's own peculiar set of pro's and con's. It also comes with it's own set of unique memories, one of which I bumped into full force this morning. I was on my way to another of those countless interviews I've been going to and there they where on the smallest patch of grass next to a taxi rank, hundreds of little white butterflies. I can't remember when last I saw them in such numbers or actually when if ever I've seen them here in good old JHB before. Gave me something to smile about and made me think that maybe mother nature was just slipping a little reminder that things aren't always as bad as they seem in for me :)

Scars

"The scars you acquire while exercising courage will never make you feel inferior."

What I meant to say

Hehehe, here you thought you'd get away with only one obscure music affair reference this weekend. Guess again. I have discovered that I may just be in love with Chris Daughtry and his writting buddies. Yep, "Leave this town" has the potential for at least one or two of those passionate music affairs. And here is my first candidate ;P

What I meant to say

Daughtry

woke up today sinkin' like the stones that you have thrown

Wounded by the same ole shots you take
It's easier to kick me when I'm low

And I just thought that you should know
That I've been holding on while you've been letting go
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry but that's not what I meant to say

I'm strong enough to say that I don't wanna take the high road now
This is so typical of you to walk away
When your perfect little world is burning down

And I just thought that you should know
That I've been holding on while you've been letting go
Can I be so bold? 'Cause all this sucking up to you is just getting old
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'msorry but that's not what I meant to say

What I really meant to say with every little breath I take
I'm not the only one who makes mistakes
Just think of all the ones you've made

And I just thought that you should know
That I've been holding on while you've been letting go
Can I be so bold? 'Cause all this sucking up to you is just getting old
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry but that's not what I meant to say
Not what I meant to say

Can I be so bold? 'Cause all this sucking up to you is just getting old
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry but that's not what I meant to say

LOVE is a happy thing

It makes us laugh,

It makes us sing,

It makes us sad,

It makes us cry,

It makes us seek the reason why,

It makes us take,

It makes us give,

but above all else,

it makes us live!

Jayne Fisher

Someday we'll know

Ok, so here comes another insane music post :)

Years ago I had a brief but passionate love affair with a song. Like all brief affairs it burned hot and bright and it was over before long and over the years it faded from my memories and out of my life never to be thought of or heard from again.

Until this evening that is. I was alone and being in a particularly strange one of those moods I put on a movie I've been threatening to watch for months but have just never really been in the mood for or had the heart to watch alone. I don't do soppy romantic very well especially alone but that's a post for another time.

Back to the song. There it was slap bang in the middle of the movie. Not quite the version I had had the mad love affair with, but the same song never the less. Those words that had made me smile and the sentiment that used to make me believe that maybe someday he'd realise I was alive and that he couldn't live without me... Needless to say you're getting the lyrics and I'm off to look for a download that I can occasionally wonder off down memory lane with. And no he never did realise I was alive BUT I realised I COULD live without him:)

Someday We'll Know

The New Radicals

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years and later
You're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?
Ohhh.....

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I was meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I was meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question (one question...question)
Why aren't you here with me tonight?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I was meant for you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

The link below is to the version from "A walk to remember"

http://www.musicwebtown.com/coronaboy/playlists/79271/761051.mp3