Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sick, crazy, mad world
Ok so since last week every blog and newspaper I've read and radio station and news report I have listened to have all been covering one story and one story only. A story that I have tried desperately not to comment on but I am about to fail at that miserably. It is a story that I wish with my whole heart would just disappear. It's the story that I doubt will be going away anytime soon either. Yes it's that story. The story of a monster worshipped by millions and reviled by even more. It's the story of a man who purely by the nature of his career and fame got away with things that are so sick and perverse that they are indescribable, things that any other man would have been punished for but because of who he was and what he represented not even a slap on the wrist was forthcoming. A man who wrote songs that will sadly continue to form part of and mould the musical journey of generations to come. A genius (the term has been used very loosely here by the way) at manipulation that had the world singing along to a song about a rat.
My sympathy lies firmly on the side of the rat. So here's to you Ben wherever you are may you finally rest in peace.
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me (you've got a friend in me)
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go (you've got a place to go)
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben
To the monster may your memory fade from the minds of those you used and abused and may your victims now find some inner peace.
My sympathy lies firmly on the side of the rat. So here's to you Ben wherever you are may you finally rest in peace.
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me (you've got a friend in me)
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go (you've got a place to go)
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben
To the monster may your memory fade from the minds of those you used and abused and may your victims now find some inner peace.
The truth
"The race of mankind would perish did they cease to aid each other. We cannot exist without mutual help. All therefore that need aid have a right to ask it from their fellow-men; and no one who has the power of granting can refuse it without guilt."
Unknown
Unknown
Failure is no longer an option
"Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."
Denis Waitley
Denis Waitley
Timing
“What do you do when your world crumbles and you know that only a miracle can save you??? I’m standing on a ledge that is crumbling SO fast and I no longer believe in miracles!!!!!!”
I wrote this on Monday evening just before I left the office, intending to finish it on Tuesday morning. Mostly because I knew what was coming and yet I never posted it or finished the post till this morning and it turned into a post about my whole week, a week I had been dreading and would love to have avoided at all cost.
And yet........
the week actually went rather well. So much has happened though that I don’t quite know what to make of any of it. As you can see I was in a bad place on Monday. In fact it was such a bad place that I had made up my mind to walk away from the only thing I thought I had left that meant anything to me. And yet I didn’t. I have no idea what stopped me but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. Tuesday was a little better, although I did realise that hanging on to something that isn’t working anymore really is just delaying the inevitable, so I guess I’m letting go of one more thing. It’s going to be hard because it was good while it worked but it makes for one less thing for me to mess up later on and at least I have a few weeks to get used to the idea of losing in this case. For the first time in my life I actually appreciate overseas business trips. Tuesday however did have an upside in the form of someone I met. Yes it turns out the universe has a brilliant sense of timing after all, even if it is perverse occasionally. Wednesday was a good day despite all that was going on, I realised disappointment is going to be par for the course that is my life and I guess fighting it is just going to set me up for more. Disappointment that is. On Thursday I finally remembered what it felt like to laugh. It feels like it’s been forever since I laughed even though it’s only been a couple of months. I had actually started to doubt that anyone ever would be able to make me laugh like that again and I also realised just how much I missed it. The less I say about Friday the better, between the tears and laughter I’m not sure my sanity actually survived. There are days that I wonder why I bother to give a damn about anyone or anything and Friday definitely was one of those. And yet I still managed to score pretty big for the very thing I was walking away from on Monday and I may actually have managed despite my state and myself to save myself as well. Perverse timing I tell you. The weekend was no surprise really, just more of the same but I survived and hopefully I will get through this week in more or less one piece as well. The prospect of all the time alone in the ccoming 2 weeks is definitely a HUGE incentive.
I wrote this on Monday evening just before I left the office, intending to finish it on Tuesday morning. Mostly because I knew what was coming and yet I never posted it or finished the post till this morning and it turned into a post about my whole week, a week I had been dreading and would love to have avoided at all cost.
And yet........
the week actually went rather well. So much has happened though that I don’t quite know what to make of any of it. As you can see I was in a bad place on Monday. In fact it was such a bad place that I had made up my mind to walk away from the only thing I thought I had left that meant anything to me. And yet I didn’t. I have no idea what stopped me but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. Tuesday was a little better, although I did realise that hanging on to something that isn’t working anymore really is just delaying the inevitable, so I guess I’m letting go of one more thing. It’s going to be hard because it was good while it worked but it makes for one less thing for me to mess up later on and at least I have a few weeks to get used to the idea of losing in this case. For the first time in my life I actually appreciate overseas business trips. Tuesday however did have an upside in the form of someone I met. Yes it turns out the universe has a brilliant sense of timing after all, even if it is perverse occasionally. Wednesday was a good day despite all that was going on, I realised disappointment is going to be par for the course that is my life and I guess fighting it is just going to set me up for more. Disappointment that is. On Thursday I finally remembered what it felt like to laugh. It feels like it’s been forever since I laughed even though it’s only been a couple of months. I had actually started to doubt that anyone ever would be able to make me laugh like that again and I also realised just how much I missed it. The less I say about Friday the better, between the tears and laughter I’m not sure my sanity actually survived. There are days that I wonder why I bother to give a damn about anyone or anything and Friday definitely was one of those. And yet I still managed to score pretty big for the very thing I was walking away from on Monday and I may actually have managed despite my state and myself to save myself as well. Perverse timing I tell you. The weekend was no surprise really, just more of the same but I survived and hopefully I will get through this week in more or less one piece as well. The prospect of all the time alone in the ccoming 2 weeks is definitely a HUGE incentive.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Yesterday
Yesterday’s post was literally written in the 2 min before I left the office to go out to Northgate and was written from the heart about how I felt at that very moment but it was also written without much thought, it was almost as if it was just words that needed to get out. So although I posted it, I don’t think it really sunk in exactly what I had written till I got a comment on it and went back and reread what I’d written. 2 things about the post struck me, the first my statement about surviving the storm because it was really the first time I had acknowledged to anyone let alone myself that that’s exactly how I feel about my life. As if I am stuck in the middle of one of those really crazy violent storms where you have no idea what Mother Nature will throw at you next but you know it’s going to be big. And surviving it is all that you really can do. Well I’m going to survive this to and it’s going to get me one step closer to the person I’m meant to be, whoever she may be. And each day is just a little easier because I know somewhere in the middle of this chaos there is the eye of the storm and with it, it will bring some peace and maybe just a little clarity about the direction I need to take in my life. The second was my comment on being strangely fixed and yet so broken. It’s a funny thing to say, I mean how can you be fixed and broken all at the same time, it’s not possible and yet I am. The fixed comes from a moment earlier in the week where I just knew that everything was going to be alright and that as much as I had messed up, it wasn’t the end of the world, in fact it was a second chance, a chance to do it better and to do it right and somehow the pain I was feeling somewhere deep in me was just gone and therefore fixed. The broken is a little more difficult to explain but I’m going to try. With everything that has been going on in the last few months, the people who’d walked away from me, the people I’d walked away from, the loss of friends some to choices I made, others to choices I wish I had not made and some to choices they made. I’ve been left with a ton of silly regrets and even sillier I wishes, a real shoulda, coulda, woulda list and these have slowly started to make me feel very inadequate and just plain ole not good enough and this was slowly cracking the hard fought for sense of self and self worth that I had finally won. And this is where the broken is, this is where I now have to go to and start fixing. I literally need to plug holes and re lay parts of my soul, I have to let go of the shoulda, coulda, woulda list and realise that I really could not have done it any differently because that was who I was at that moment and I now have to build on that and try to make a better me. A fixed me. . . . .
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Just me
I have so much bubbling inside that needs to be said but I don't have a clue how to say it. The last few days have left me feeling strangely fixed and yet still so broken. There is so much going on that I don't know where to even start and yet I know I have to start. Right now all I'm trying to do is survive the storm. And I guess survival is a good start
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
*shakes head*
So here I am sitting in the office, thinking to myself I feel like posting something but what??? Then I think well I'll look through my pics, I got the most amazing pics from someone the other day and I'll post some of those. So off I go to my pictures only to find emptiness...........gee I really am having a good day. And then the blonde moment passes.......well sort of. It's not my pc, my monitor got hijacked this morning for the show we're working and I'm working on the brats and her my pictures folder would be empty since she has yet to use her new pc......... :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
100 Years
I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on... I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
100 Years 5 for fighting
(Not such an oldie, but one I've always liked. Sums up just how fleeting time is and yet. . . . . )
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on... I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
100 Years 5 for fighting
(Not such an oldie, but one I've always liked. Sums up just how fleeting time is and yet. . . . . )
Obstacles
Obstacles in life are like logs in your path.
You can step over it or move it out of the way.
You could cut it up and make firewood.
Unknown
You can step over it or move it out of the way.
You could cut it up and make firewood.
Unknown
Friday, June 19, 2009
:)
Heard this, this morning and thought the lyrics are actually pretty good
considering it's a Miley Cyrus
Goodbye
I can honestly say you've been on my mind
Since I woke up today, up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mindI remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
But I remember those simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye
I woke up this morning and played our song
And through my tears, I sang along
I picked up the phone and then put it down'
Cause I know I'm wasting my time
And I don't mind
I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
But I remember the simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up
With your ringtone
I hesitate but answer it anyway
You sound so alone
And I'm surprised to hear you say
You remember when we kissed
You still feel it on your lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
You remember the simple things
We talked 'til we cried
You said that your biggest regret
The one thing you wish I'd forget
Is saying goodbye,
saying goodbye
Ooh, goodbye
considering it's a Miley Cyrus
Goodbye
I can honestly say you've been on my mind
Since I woke up today, up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mindI remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
But I remember those simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye
I woke up this morning and played our song
And through my tears, I sang along
I picked up the phone and then put it down'
Cause I know I'm wasting my time
And I don't mind
I remember when we kissed
I still feel it on my lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
But I remember the simple things
I remember 'til I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Suddenly my cell phone's blowing up
With your ringtone
I hesitate but answer it anyway
You sound so alone
And I'm surprised to hear you say
You remember when we kissed
You still feel it on your lips
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing
You remember the simple things
We talked 'til we cried
You said that your biggest regret
The one thing you wish I'd forget
Is saying goodbye,
saying goodbye
Ooh, goodbye
Always
May the wings of an Angel enfold you and keep you safe
May your path never be crossed by anyone that would endanger you.
And may every road take you safely back to the arms of those who care about you
Ride safe, Be safe, Stay safe
May your path never be crossed by anyone that would endanger you.
And may every road take you safely back to the arms of those who care about you
Ride safe, Be safe, Stay safe
Friends. . . . .
There comes a time in your life when you realise
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
I'm glad that every one of you is part of my present,
Here's hoping we make it to the future together.
Thanks for being my friend
Friday
Last night I sat and wrote a post about what happened at work yesterday that had upset me so much that I was pretty much ready to find the nearest truck to walk in front of and then I reread it this morning as I was getting ready to post it. And I realised I’m not ready to share this little disaster just yet. In fact I’m not prepared to even accept the possibility of it happening. I am not prepared to accept that it is the end because there is no way in hell this is alright. I may feel like I’m in hell right now but to misquote someone famous “this too shall pass”. And to top it all I believe in me even if no one else wants to and that will just have to be enough....... so instead I am going to hit the inspiration station as I have dubbed one of my folders and see what I can do about making it a better day for us all. . . . . . . . . ..
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I wish I was
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.
When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.
When I speak my mind,
think my own thoughts
or do things my own way,
they call me a
bitch.
Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'
B=BEST
I=INDIVIDUAL
T=THE
C=COMPANY
H=HIRED
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.
When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.
When I speak my mind,
think my own thoughts
or do things my own way,
they call me a
bitch.
Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'
B=BEST
I=INDIVIDUAL
T=THE
C=COMPANY
H=HIRED
Hell bound
Just trying to talk some hope into myself. The universe in all it's wisdom kicked me in the teeth this morning and I have NO IDEA how on earth to come back from this one.............
Since I'm
continuing things today, I'll continue these as well. . . . .
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one who
Compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love
As something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things
That went beforeI know
I'll often stop and think about them
In my life
I love you more
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one who
Compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love
As something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things
That went beforeI know
I'll often stop and think about them
In my life
I love you more
The Bad and not so bad
Sheesh talk about a continuation of my previous post on memories. (yes the one I finally posted this morning since I remembered the flash drive)
I sometimes wonder about the universe and the messages it’s trying to send. I printed one of these silly sayings for myself today... (Yep the one at the top of the post), I just felt I needed something to remind me and boy did it.
Anyway I digress, I needed to keep busy this evening and decided to go through some of my mom’s stuff and came across some stuff I never even knew she had kept. What I found was a packet and in that packet where a wedding invitation, 2 letters, a few photo’s, a change of address form and a cd. Now I was pretty sure I had gotten rid of all the stuff related to this particular event in my life but obviously my mom and her friend the universe thought that at some stage I’d need reminding so these things had been preserved.
Ok I guess I should be a little more clear here, you see the wedding invitation was to my wedding (the one that never happened). The letters where from the ex fiancé, one that he wrote just after we got engaged claiming he would love me “eternalways”, yes eternally and always just were not long enough so he created a whole new time span, the other was one I had never opened trying to get me to forgive him and take him back (yeah I finally read it). The pictures where of him and the change of address form was well just that a form I’d filled in with what was meant to be my new address in San Louis Obispo (me, USA bound, what a joke) and the cd, well that was the master of the compilation of songs we had chosen to have made as gifts for wedding guests (I’ll admit I do still love some of those songs, but there are a few that if I never hear them again it will be too soon).
If you had asked me even this morning how I’d react to any of this I would probably not have been able to answer you because I wouldn’t have known although I would have predicted tears in the very least, but now I do, know that is. You see I now know for sure it is over and in the past. For the simple reason, that none of this had any effect on me. I am finally free of it. So yes everything will be okay in the end and since it was, it is THE END. . . . . . .
Memories
Monday was a really odd day, but in a good way. I spent part of the day feeling I’d been hit full on in the solar plexus, part of it wanting to cry and still some more of it realising just how far I really have come and it all left me with a sad little smile on my face. Yes I know that all sounds extremely contradictory but let me explain.
For months now I have backed up files onto my work computer and on Friday had decided to put some of the folders on to the flash drive to bring home and sort out. Sort of a remove all the personal stuff and make sure there is nothing “incriminating” accidently left behind exercise.
There was the standard stuff, pictures and emails I’d collected and been sent, pictures I’d downloaded for a certain personal project I was given and enjoyed too much to delete and a few that well where just there because I liked them. There were even a few from a function or 2 that we had been involved with in the last 7 or 8 months and amongst all these a few of friends as well and that was the first blow to the solar plexus. Amongst them I found a picture of someone that took my breath away (the fact that I had this picture, NOT that this person didn’t take my breath away at one time and probably still would). That’s what happens when you just save stuff people send you because you don’t have the time to go through it. You end up with stuff you don’t know you have. In this case it’s probably a good thing too because I probably would have deleted it along with everything else related to it a couple of months back. (Yes I react in anger and hurt just like any other girl only to regret it later) The strange thing is this person has been on my mind, ok so I never really got rid of it, he’s pretty much always in the back of my mind and it was sort of a cosmic reminder that he’s still there even if neither of us is admitting it. The second blow came from a mail and a picture I had saved from someone who was really excited to be moving back to Gauteng because it meant we would get to spend more time together (hooking up again was also pretty inevitable according to him). He was here just over 3 months when he was killed and we’d seen each other exactly 0 times, our timing always was SO bad. The mail made me cry, (it still hurts like hell that he’s gone) the picture had me go into the office to send it to somebody who kicked me in the head again as soon as I saw it.
My “mix” folder was of course a really big joke. If you’ve spent any time reading any of my ramblings you know that music pretty much rates as my number one tool of inspiration, solace and comfort. It’s my safe harbour when all else fails. Add to this about 100 songs in a folder that all remind me in some way or another of someone or something and you see my insanity forming There’s Rising force, Carry on wayward son, War Pigs, you don’t remember, something in your mouth and I’d come for you that are purely David. There’s no surprise, numb and beautiful disaster that are totally Michael, Because of you, see it in a boys eyes and 100 years that are all Eric through and through and of course for Chris there is Photograph, No bravery and Think of me. And there is “I do not hook up” for a certain a$$ who doesn’t get that I don’t do one night with a stranger let alone someone I don’t connect with just because I happen to be with a crowd that regularly hook up. There is also Poison, unwell, far away, this year, I don’t wanna be, brick in the wall, in my life and who wants to live forever and Seether’s careless whisper that are pure me. Not to mention all the others that are either there for a person, event or moment in my life and of course then there is my latest addition from Katy Perry that says it better than I ever could for one person in particular
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
There was also a folder full of blog posts, some I’ve posted and some that I hadn’t. Some of these where extremely personal and where about things that at the time I wrote them I just wasn’t ready to share (some I’m still not sure about). Somewhere about specific people and since some of these people read this I felt I couldn’t post them without their permission and since I have no intention of asking since I’d have to explain I won’t be posting them anytime soon. There were even one or 2 that where just me ranting about how unfair it is that things work out the way they do, mostly about how stupid certain women are not to realise exactly what they have. (Yeah I still hate being a girl except for certain of the perks that you only get if you are a girl ;)). There are even a few of me being a real girl and pouring my heart out about the things I’ve lost recently, that I decided not to post because A. I wasn’t going to indulge in published self pity and B. Yeah well maybe admitting to my stupidity regarding something is well just .........stupid. There is even a post about something that was no fun to relive but I had felt I could start to discuss with someone before things, ok let’s just leave it at before. There is also a confession or 2 about my past and who and how I was shaped into what I have become in the last few months in certain areas that I will no longer be sharing since the one person who may have found them insightful no longer needs the insight. I will however admit to missing our talks and the fact that I was comfortable enough to discuss a lot of this stuff for the first time with him.
There were also a few silly bits of wisdom and little inspirational pictures I had intended to post but somehow I lost the intent in the mess that has been my life. Hopefully now that I finally seem to be moving forward and making sense of things I’ll actually get around to what I had intended this blog to be. . . . . . . . . So yes it was odd in a good way, it was also a trip down memory lane that reminded me that , for as much bad and sad as there has been of late there is still hope and hope is the ultimate good................
For months now I have backed up files onto my work computer and on Friday had decided to put some of the folders on to the flash drive to bring home and sort out. Sort of a remove all the personal stuff and make sure there is nothing “incriminating” accidently left behind exercise.
There was the standard stuff, pictures and emails I’d collected and been sent, pictures I’d downloaded for a certain personal project I was given and enjoyed too much to delete and a few that well where just there because I liked them. There were even a few from a function or 2 that we had been involved with in the last 7 or 8 months and amongst all these a few of friends as well and that was the first blow to the solar plexus. Amongst them I found a picture of someone that took my breath away (the fact that I had this picture, NOT that this person didn’t take my breath away at one time and probably still would). That’s what happens when you just save stuff people send you because you don’t have the time to go through it. You end up with stuff you don’t know you have. In this case it’s probably a good thing too because I probably would have deleted it along with everything else related to it a couple of months back. (Yes I react in anger and hurt just like any other girl only to regret it later) The strange thing is this person has been on my mind, ok so I never really got rid of it, he’s pretty much always in the back of my mind and it was sort of a cosmic reminder that he’s still there even if neither of us is admitting it. The second blow came from a mail and a picture I had saved from someone who was really excited to be moving back to Gauteng because it meant we would get to spend more time together (hooking up again was also pretty inevitable according to him). He was here just over 3 months when he was killed and we’d seen each other exactly 0 times, our timing always was SO bad. The mail made me cry, (it still hurts like hell that he’s gone) the picture had me go into the office to send it to somebody who kicked me in the head again as soon as I saw it.
My “mix” folder was of course a really big joke. If you’ve spent any time reading any of my ramblings you know that music pretty much rates as my number one tool of inspiration, solace and comfort. It’s my safe harbour when all else fails. Add to this about 100 songs in a folder that all remind me in some way or another of someone or something and you see my insanity forming There’s Rising force, Carry on wayward son, War Pigs, you don’t remember, something in your mouth and I’d come for you that are purely David. There’s no surprise, numb and beautiful disaster that are totally Michael, Because of you, see it in a boys eyes and 100 years that are all Eric through and through and of course for Chris there is Photograph, No bravery and Think of me. And there is “I do not hook up” for a certain a$$ who doesn’t get that I don’t do one night with a stranger let alone someone I don’t connect with just because I happen to be with a crowd that regularly hook up. There is also Poison, unwell, far away, this year, I don’t wanna be, brick in the wall, in my life and who wants to live forever and Seether’s careless whisper that are pure me. Not to mention all the others that are either there for a person, event or moment in my life and of course then there is my latest addition from Katy Perry that says it better than I ever could for one person in particular
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
There was also a folder full of blog posts, some I’ve posted and some that I hadn’t. Some of these where extremely personal and where about things that at the time I wrote them I just wasn’t ready to share (some I’m still not sure about). Somewhere about specific people and since some of these people read this I felt I couldn’t post them without their permission and since I have no intention of asking since I’d have to explain I won’t be posting them anytime soon. There were even one or 2 that where just me ranting about how unfair it is that things work out the way they do, mostly about how stupid certain women are not to realise exactly what they have. (Yeah I still hate being a girl except for certain of the perks that you only get if you are a girl ;)). There are even a few of me being a real girl and pouring my heart out about the things I’ve lost recently, that I decided not to post because A. I wasn’t going to indulge in published self pity and B. Yeah well maybe admitting to my stupidity regarding something is well just .........stupid. There is even a post about something that was no fun to relive but I had felt I could start to discuss with someone before things, ok let’s just leave it at before. There is also a confession or 2 about my past and who and how I was shaped into what I have become in the last few months in certain areas that I will no longer be sharing since the one person who may have found them insightful no longer needs the insight. I will however admit to missing our talks and the fact that I was comfortable enough to discuss a lot of this stuff for the first time with him.
There were also a few silly bits of wisdom and little inspirational pictures I had intended to post but somehow I lost the intent in the mess that has been my life. Hopefully now that I finally seem to be moving forward and making sense of things I’ll actually get around to what I had intended this blog to be. . . . . . . . . So yes it was odd in a good way, it was also a trip down memory lane that reminded me that , for as much bad and sad as there has been of late there is still hope and hope is the ultimate good................
Castles in the air
"If you have built castles in the sky, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
Henry David Thoreau
Henry David Thoreau
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Oh,
to be far away, away from the pain, away from the hurt, away from the love
and most of all away from me
"What If It All Means Something"
If I could do anything for you,
believe me I would
Do you feel the same?
Feel the same as me?
If I could be anyone for you believe me I would
I'm not ashamed not ashamed to be
Its hard for me to know sometimes I feel like letting go
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?
What if it all
If I could go anywhere for you, believe me I would
I'd run away, I'd ran away, I'd leave.
If I could fix everything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same, feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know, well maybe I should just let go.
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
Leave me alone
I'm falling
If I could do anything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know well maybe I should just let go
But what if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
What if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
Yeah what if it all means something,
something, something
I know it all means something.
believe me I would
Do you feel the same?
Feel the same as me?
If I could be anyone for you believe me I would
I'm not ashamed not ashamed to be
Its hard for me to know sometimes I feel like letting go
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?
What if it all
If I could go anywhere for you, believe me I would
I'd run away, I'd ran away, I'd leave.
If I could fix everything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same, feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know, well maybe I should just let go.
But what if it all means something?
What if it all
What if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
Leave me alone
I'm falling
If I could do anything for you, believe me I would
Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?
Its hard for me to know well maybe I should just let go
But what if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
What if it all means something?(I wanna know)
What if it all
Yeah what if it all means something,
something, something
I know it all means something.
I have no idea what to call this post
I spent most of last night tossing and turning and debating with myself about what to do about something that happened yesterday and the conclusion it lead me to.
It's something that I picked up on a little while ago but had kept to myself, a.because it is extremely personal and b. because it concerns a side of my life that very few people are aware of and c. quite frankly I had no idea what to do about it. When it happened again yesterday though I knew I had to do something and since I can't discuss it with the one person who I know would understand and most likely have some insight, that would have had it making sense in no time. I decided to just put it out there, maybe it's the right move and maybe it's not but what the heck I've got to get it out my system somehow and maybe just maybe I'll come up with the answer once I see the problem in black and white.
A few months back I hooked up with someone in what was initially meant to be a once off play date. It went really well and since we had fun together and the chemistry between us seemed to work we decided to keep seeing each other. We had been meeting a few times a month ever since and everything was going well. He was only to glad to teach and I was a willing pupil, in fact it went so well that by the 4th or 5th time we got together he let me take complete control and it was a high I never thought I could ever experience naturally. Then about the time I was going through all that I'm losing everything stuff, something changed. It was as if the chemistry between us had been surgically removed. At the time I attributed it to the fact that I was losing things and people left, right and centre and that I was just being emotional and honestly some of the stuff that had happened at the time affected me more than I had expected or admitted till now but we perservered, hoping it would get better as I dealt with everything. I eventually started withholding myself. I used every excuse in the book, none of which where very valid since I was supposed to be the one in control. A couple of weeks ago I decided that it couldn't go on like that since neither of us was getting what we wanted from it and I jumped back in the deep end, it was good but it wasn't what it should have been. The chemistry was still gone. My patience and perseverance may under normal circumstances be 2 of my strong points but in this case proved to be nothing but delaying the inevitable. We got together yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home last night I knew I had to work out what the hell had gone wrong and work out a way to fix it or at the very least find a solution that works for both of us.
And there in lies my problem. . . . . . I think I managed to pin point exactly when things changed last night and I think I know what the cause was but there is no way that I can see to fix it. I wish I could figure it out. Not only because it would fix what is wrong with this but if I could it would fix something else I managed to mess up around the same time. Quite honestly though I would give up this right now if it meant I could have the other back in any way shape or form. I have now come to the conclusion that I have 3 options here (yeah I can never do it the easy way can I) I can either 1. Keep trying in the hope that by some miracle it will fix itself 2. Tell him to walk away or 3. well 3 actually needs some more thought so I guess I only have 2 options after all. Somehow I see another sleepless night ahead of me............
It's something that I picked up on a little while ago but had kept to myself, a.because it is extremely personal and b. because it concerns a side of my life that very few people are aware of and c. quite frankly I had no idea what to do about it. When it happened again yesterday though I knew I had to do something and since I can't discuss it with the one person who I know would understand and most likely have some insight, that would have had it making sense in no time. I decided to just put it out there, maybe it's the right move and maybe it's not but what the heck I've got to get it out my system somehow and maybe just maybe I'll come up with the answer once I see the problem in black and white.
A few months back I hooked up with someone in what was initially meant to be a once off play date. It went really well and since we had fun together and the chemistry between us seemed to work we decided to keep seeing each other. We had been meeting a few times a month ever since and everything was going well. He was only to glad to teach and I was a willing pupil, in fact it went so well that by the 4th or 5th time we got together he let me take complete control and it was a high I never thought I could ever experience naturally. Then about the time I was going through all that I'm losing everything stuff, something changed. It was as if the chemistry between us had been surgically removed. At the time I attributed it to the fact that I was losing things and people left, right and centre and that I was just being emotional and honestly some of the stuff that had happened at the time affected me more than I had expected or admitted till now but we perservered, hoping it would get better as I dealt with everything. I eventually started withholding myself. I used every excuse in the book, none of which where very valid since I was supposed to be the one in control. A couple of weeks ago I decided that it couldn't go on like that since neither of us was getting what we wanted from it and I jumped back in the deep end, it was good but it wasn't what it should have been. The chemistry was still gone. My patience and perseverance may under normal circumstances be 2 of my strong points but in this case proved to be nothing but delaying the inevitable. We got together yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home last night I knew I had to work out what the hell had gone wrong and work out a way to fix it or at the very least find a solution that works for both of us.
And there in lies my problem. . . . . . I think I managed to pin point exactly when things changed last night and I think I know what the cause was but there is no way that I can see to fix it. I wish I could figure it out. Not only because it would fix what is wrong with this but if I could it would fix something else I managed to mess up around the same time. Quite honestly though I would give up this right now if it meant I could have the other back in any way shape or form. I have now come to the conclusion that I have 3 options here (yeah I can never do it the easy way can I) I can either 1. Keep trying in the hope that by some miracle it will fix itself 2. Tell him to walk away or 3. well 3 actually needs some more thought so I guess I only have 2 options after all. Somehow I see another sleepless night ahead of me............
Oh &*^%$@#$#@
Ok I've ranted and raved about my bad morning. Now I shall proceed to be writting the post that I wanted to write this morning........words dont fail me now!!!!
Oh &*^%$@#$#@
What a screwed up morning.
Yep it's been one of those where everything that can WILL go wrong.
Firstly I overslept (side effect of lying in the dark staring at the cieling at 3am), then of course I realised I had an 8am meeting, a flat cell battery and no other way to contact my client, brilliant. (Damn, but I do love joburg traffic, he was even later than I was :) ) I forgot my hairdryer died on Monday so I had wet hair and a cold morning and no way to dry it, even more brilliance on my part. (note to self get new hairdryer TODAY).
Then of course just to make sure my morning really is BRILLIANT, the milk that I bought yesterday and should be fine till Sunday according to it's sell by date is sour, so no morning cuppa till I get to work. The client eventually turned up after 9, not that I'm complaining at least I'd managed to get a hot cuppa and my hair was almost dry. Meeting went rather well thankfully. Walked the client out only to get caught in a sudden "downpour" that lasted all of 5 min and was just enough to make it uncomfortable, so now not only am I cold, I'm also wet and my jacket that's supposed to be in the car.......lying on someones bed.......where I left it yesterday....... Oh well it's about to get better I think to myself, she is on her way out and wont be back today so since all my stuff for the great Northgate expidition of next week is ready I decide to head for the blog to copy and paste the 2 posts I wrote on Monday and yesterday. And then it got worse......... in my rush to leave this morning I left my flash drive at home........now I really want to scream, not only cant I post but something else I'm working on is also on the flash drive and I have to finish it today, it's part of someones punishment for what he forgot the weekend.......... so YES today is a blue Monday even if it 's Wednesday..........
Yep it's been one of those where everything that can WILL go wrong.
Firstly I overslept (side effect of lying in the dark staring at the cieling at 3am), then of course I realised I had an 8am meeting, a flat cell battery and no other way to contact my client, brilliant. (Damn, but I do love joburg traffic, he was even later than I was :) ) I forgot my hairdryer died on Monday so I had wet hair and a cold morning and no way to dry it, even more brilliance on my part. (note to self get new hairdryer TODAY).
Then of course just to make sure my morning really is BRILLIANT, the milk that I bought yesterday and should be fine till Sunday according to it's sell by date is sour, so no morning cuppa till I get to work. The client eventually turned up after 9, not that I'm complaining at least I'd managed to get a hot cuppa and my hair was almost dry. Meeting went rather well thankfully. Walked the client out only to get caught in a sudden "downpour" that lasted all of 5 min and was just enough to make it uncomfortable, so now not only am I cold, I'm also wet and my jacket that's supposed to be in the car.......lying on someones bed.......where I left it yesterday....... Oh well it's about to get better I think to myself, she is on her way out and wont be back today so since all my stuff for the great Northgate expidition of next week is ready I decide to head for the blog to copy and paste the 2 posts I wrote on Monday and yesterday. And then it got worse......... in my rush to leave this morning I left my flash drive at home........now I really want to scream, not only cant I post but something else I'm working on is also on the flash drive and I have to finish it today, it's part of someones punishment for what he forgot the weekend.......... so YES today is a blue Monday even if it 's Wednesday..........
This tickled my funny bone
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
(personally I prefer them just the way they are, bugs, dirt, seeds and all. Stomping ruins the fun)
Monday, June 15, 2009
My birthday lesson,
To all my Facebook “freinds” thank you for the lovely birthday wishes. And I agree this is going to be an amazing year, although Ian it would have been nice if you’d told me yourself instead of telling me to check my Facebook. To everyone who mailed me you guys rock, yes even the automated TB bot and the SANBS reminder service.
To those of you I had no expectations of you proved true to form. To those of you who forgot, pretty much par for the course with certain of you but after 9years this excuse really is wearing thin. Punishment is due to someone and trust me the last 4 months have nothing on what this is going to get you :). To the one person who did surprise me thank you. And to the rest of you :P Actually it wasn’t a bad day considering it was spent alone with the 4 walls.
Although this birthday has taught me something and sadly it wasn’t anything good. But it is a lesson that was a long time in coming. Yes I was recently accused of being cold hearted and now I’m about to become hard hearted as well, I will no longer be the one spending weeks looking for the perfect gift, I will no longer wrack my brains for the message that will mean something to the recipient and I most certainly will no longer be getting up at all sorts of odd hours to make sure my “freinds” start their day with good wishes.
And no it’s not because I’m disapointed, quite the contrary really. Its simply because I have come to the conclusion that some people are worth the effort and they will still get the best of me but the rest are going to get exactly what I get from them, the bare minimum.
So yes this is the first day of a new year for me and yes this is a new me and yes I do love, sadly way too much in certain cases and I have laughed today at the pathetic excuses I’ve heard, I have even learnt a thing or two but most importantly I am going to LIVE for ME and those I LOVE.................So yes Happy Birthday to me
To those of you I had no expectations of you proved true to form. To those of you who forgot, pretty much par for the course with certain of you but after 9years this excuse really is wearing thin. Punishment is due to someone and trust me the last 4 months have nothing on what this is going to get you :). To the one person who did surprise me thank you. And to the rest of you :P Actually it wasn’t a bad day considering it was spent alone with the 4 walls.
Although this birthday has taught me something and sadly it wasn’t anything good. But it is a lesson that was a long time in coming. Yes I was recently accused of being cold hearted and now I’m about to become hard hearted as well, I will no longer be the one spending weeks looking for the perfect gift, I will no longer wrack my brains for the message that will mean something to the recipient and I most certainly will no longer be getting up at all sorts of odd hours to make sure my “freinds” start their day with good wishes.
And no it’s not because I’m disapointed, quite the contrary really. Its simply because I have come to the conclusion that some people are worth the effort and they will still get the best of me but the rest are going to get exactly what I get from them, the bare minimum.
So yes this is the first day of a new year for me and yes this is a new me and yes I do love, sadly way too much in certain cases and I have laughed today at the pathetic excuses I’ve heard, I have even learnt a thing or two but most importantly I am going to LIVE for ME and those I LOVE.................So yes Happy Birthday to me
Sunday,
You would think that by now I would have accepted that the only thing I’m guaranteed in this life is disapointment, but no, not me I cling to hope that someday someone will go against the grain and surprise me. Haha who the hell do I think I'm kidding......
(ok so maybe a pc at home isn't a good idea after all)
Franken PC
Damn I love having a Pc of my own at home again, between it and the flash drive I see posts that would have gone unwritten getting posted :D
This was meant for Saturday
I found these on Friday and decided that this was going to be my theme tune for this year. Heres hoping it turns out that way.
This Year
This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year
January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May,
I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...This year,
I'll reach the pinnacle
This year,
I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year,
I'm never gonna stop
January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May,
I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...This year,
is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year
This was meant for Saturday
I found these on Friday and decided that this was going to be my theme tune for this year. Heres hoping it turns out that way.
This Year
This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year
January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May,
I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...This year,
I'll reach the pinnacle
This year,
I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year,
I'm never gonna stop
January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May,
I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...This year,
is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year
Friday, June 12, 2009
Weekend!!!!!!!
I've been sitting here waiting for the boss to get back. The silly creature took my office keys when she went out and since my flat keys are on the same keyring it's a little problematic (ok the less I say the better). I had decided that since I've got me a really looooooong weekend I was going to get all the chores done this afternoon that way I could enjoy my day all alone tomorrow (damn I love it when the brother does this, heres hoping the hookup works), thought I may go do some girly shoppings and since I have no itention of doing anything on Sunday (yep even getting out of bed will be considered optional) it seemed like a good idea. Now if only she would get back so I can leave (so much for pre planning). Have a great weekend everyone and sees you als on Wednesday :P
More Lyrics
This ones the theme from One Tree Hill, but has suddenly become a fave.... needed to hear them the first time I heard the theme and lets just say on days like today I'm pretty glad I'm me
I Don't Want To Be
I don't need to be anything other than a prison guards son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars, everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by impostors, everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis, everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay to stone and now I'm telling everybody
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
No I don't wanna be anything
I don't wanna be uh uh uh anything other than me
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be anything,
anything other than me
I Don't Want To Be
I don't need to be anything other than a prison guards son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars, everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by impostors, everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis, everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay to stone and now I'm telling everybody
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
No I don't wanna be anything
I don't wanna be uh uh uh anything other than me
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be anything,
anything other than me
This
Made me think of someone very specific ............. Always good but especially when he was evil
Friday.............
It's been a really odd week in so many ways.
The weather has been perfect:) Not particularly normal for this time of the year but just the way I love it. Yep the longer it stays all cold and rainy the better. This morning though was just a little strange, I somehow wondered off into a cloud in my sleep last night or at least thats what it looked like when I woke up. I couldn't even see the balcony railing out the window and that was freaky, the suns shining now but thats ok. The boss dragged me off to the marketing and event expo on Wednesday and apart from not needing stationary for quite a while, my mind hasn't stopped. I have so many new ideas for a couple of the things I'm involved with. Could kick a certain chairmans a$$ for rescheduling Monday's meeting. I had so much to share with one or 2 peeps. Going to go have to go home and scribble tons of notes now. I was invited to a LAN....yeah me who doesn't play.....ha ha......well anyway I declined due to my lack of pc and suddenly I have my own FrankenPC, yep between my boet and a guy in the building that I hardly know and the bits they had I now have one. I also seem to be over whatever the heck it was that I caught from whoever the twit was that was sharing germs so at least I'm looking forward to a weekend not spent in bed feeling like death, if it gets spent in bed it will be for other reasons......... get your mind out the gutter silly I meant like in keeping warm;). It's actually going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG weekend since I've taken Monday off (yep I don't work on my birthday either and no it isn't on Monday) and with Tuesday being a holiday. When I walk out of here at 1pm I wont be back till Wednesday and then it's only for 3 days cause then I'm off to do a show at Northgate till the 29th :) It really is going to be a good couple of weeks as far as I'm concerned. Now I've just got to hope the next 2 hours go really fast!!!!!!
The weather has been perfect:) Not particularly normal for this time of the year but just the way I love it. Yep the longer it stays all cold and rainy the better. This morning though was just a little strange, I somehow wondered off into a cloud in my sleep last night or at least thats what it looked like when I woke up. I couldn't even see the balcony railing out the window and that was freaky, the suns shining now but thats ok. The boss dragged me off to the marketing and event expo on Wednesday and apart from not needing stationary for quite a while, my mind hasn't stopped. I have so many new ideas for a couple of the things I'm involved with. Could kick a certain chairmans a$$ for rescheduling Monday's meeting. I had so much to share with one or 2 peeps. Going to go have to go home and scribble tons of notes now. I was invited to a LAN....yeah me who doesn't play.....ha ha......well anyway I declined due to my lack of pc and suddenly I have my own FrankenPC, yep between my boet and a guy in the building that I hardly know and the bits they had I now have one. I also seem to be over whatever the heck it was that I caught from whoever the twit was that was sharing germs so at least I'm looking forward to a weekend not spent in bed feeling like death, if it gets spent in bed it will be for other reasons......... get your mind out the gutter silly I meant like in keeping warm;). It's actually going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG weekend since I've taken Monday off (yep I don't work on my birthday either and no it isn't on Monday) and with Tuesday being a holiday. When I walk out of here at 1pm I wont be back till Wednesday and then it's only for 3 days cause then I'm off to do a show at Northgate till the 29th :) It really is going to be a good couple of weeks as far as I'm concerned. Now I've just got to hope the next 2 hours go really fast!!!!!!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Came across these,
this morning while I was looking for something else. They're lyrics to something I heard some time back and it pretty much summed up how I was feeling at the time. Thought I would post them since they are actually quite cool.
Inside the tornado
Hold on
Hold my hand
Storm clouds are circling
Hungry for barren land
It's eerie
Yeah, it's much too still
Can you feel my body spin?
Feel it, yeah, I know you will
Drama makes me comfortable
Chaos calms me down
Everything is clear when you're inside the tornado
Everything is quiet in the eye of the storm
I will give you wings if you hang onto my halo
Nothing is stable
Inside the tornado
This wind is blowing madness
But there's a method to this
This is the cure for sadness
Force is centrifugal
It keeps you in
It's dark and rain is falling
Longing to touch your skin
Close your eyes and feel the power
This is so sublime
Everything is clear when you're inside the tornado
Everything is quiet in the eye of the storm
I will give you wings if you hang onto my halo
Nothing is stable
Inside the tornado
Einstein said it best
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
For while knowledge defines all we currently know and understand,
imagination points to all we might yet discover and create.
If only. . . . . .
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't wanna be anything other than me
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
What is it
There is just something so amazing about the cold, wet rainy, wintery weather we've been experiencing this week. I dont know if it's the sense of hope, potential and renewal it brings with it or the fact that I'm a June baby and it heralds the begining of a new year for me or maybe it's even something else that I haven't figured out yet but to me there is certainly something magical about it. It makes me glad to be alive and reminds me there is still infinite possiblity.
So heres to plenty more days like today and the possiblity they bring and the hope that maybe just maybe this might be the year that I get what I really want.
So heres to plenty more days like today and the possiblity they bring and the hope that maybe just maybe this might be the year that I get what I really want.
In My Life
There are places I rememberAll my life
Though some have changed
Some forever Not for better
Some have gone
And some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life
I've loved them all
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Just something I found
I FORGOT...
I forgot what life is all about ...
I forgot what it meant to cry ...
I forgot that pretending to be happy Doesn't make you happy ...
And that pretending to be smart Doesn't make you smart ...
I forgot that you can't just forget the past In fear of the future ...
I forgot that you can't control Falling in love . ..
And if you really do fall in love,
Then you can't make yourself fall OUT of love ......
I learned that I can love ....
I learned that it's okay to mess up ..
And it's okay to ask for help ....
And it's okay to feel like hell ....
I learned it's okay to complain and whine To all your friends for a whole day ...
I've learnt that sometimes the things
You want most, You just can't have.....
I've learnt that the greatest thing About life isn't the parties or the hook-ups .....
I've learnt that sometimes,
The things we want to forget,
Are the things that We most need to talk about ...
But basically,
AllI've really learnt is that,
My family
And friends
ARE
the most important people to me in the entire world ...
AND .....
Without them,
I wouldn't be who I am today ....
Dream as if u will live forever...
Live as if u will die today...
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY
I forgot what life is all about ...
I forgot what it meant to cry ...
I forgot that pretending to be happy Doesn't make you happy ...
And that pretending to be smart Doesn't make you smart ...
I forgot that you can't just forget the past In fear of the future ...
I forgot that you can't control Falling in love . ..
And if you really do fall in love,
Then you can't make yourself fall OUT of love ......
I learned that I can love ....
I learned that it's okay to mess up ..
And it's okay to ask for help ....
And it's okay to feel like hell ....
I learned it's okay to complain and whine To all your friends for a whole day ...
I've learnt that sometimes the things
You want most, You just can't have.....
I've learnt that the greatest thing About life isn't the parties or the hook-ups .....
I've learnt that sometimes,
The things we want to forget,
Are the things that We most need to talk about ...
But basically,
AllI've really learnt is that,
My family
And friends
ARE
the most important people to me in the entire world ...
AND .....
Without them,
I wouldn't be who I am today ....
Dream as if u will live forever...
Live as if u will die today...
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY
:(
The weather and I feel pretty much the same today. Cold and miserable. Sadly my weekend all alone was spent trying to get over what ever this is and it didn't work. Thankfully I have a big project to distract me from just how cr@ppy I'm really feeling and a loooooooooooong weekend to look forward to, so I'm pretty sure I might just make it.
Friday, June 5, 2009
I siiiiick and wants to go home.
Not only did I wake up feeling like death this morning, my computer has a decided it has a really bad case of the I wont do what you wants and it's frustrating the hell out of me. I have lost a whole presentation somewhere in my ordered chaos (thankfully it can't have gone to far I just cant seem to see it) and the less I say about the blog post that was eaten by cyber ickies the better. I even managed to misplace the pic's I took last night that inspired the whole post and since I feel to technologically challenged to try get them off my phone again, I guess I wont be posting them today after all, instead I'm going to sit under my desk and pray that today doesn't drag like yesterday.
Don't we just
"Most human beings have an absolute and infinite capacity for taking things for granted."
Aldous Huxley
Aldous Huxley
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Discoveries and fantasms
Ok boredom and Facebook DO NOT mix. It's been a strangely quiet day in my world and of course with nothing to do I had to find something to keep myself from self destructing and I found it in the form of the horoscopes on Facebook. You see I have always been fascinated by the various fields that masquerade as "horoscopes". Make no mistake I don't live by them but have on occasion found them uncanily accurate, especially those of the chinese variety and so I was playing around with mine on an application I found. And then I found this, it's supposed to be my chinese horoscopes fantasy man. Uncanny in at least one line, but if I'm reading it right I'm supposed to be with a really old, god like, ape like, violently gentle sex god or possibly a tree. . . . .
Now to find something else to keep me busy that is NOT on Facebook
You are now living in a civilized world. And yet, your fantasms take their roots in an archaic universe, an intact and forgotten universe, a universe where human beings are still connected to nature, in which people live according to the rhythm of the seasons, where one is near to wild beasts and the huge forest of the origins. The man of your dreams is a primeval being, a being who hardly emerges from animality, a being who lives in harmony with the world, plants, trees, beasts, and the forces of the earth. This primitive, powerful and sensual being knows all the secrets of amorous ecstasy. He can show himself as brutal without meaning it. But there's in him neither violence nor wickedness.The man of your dreams comes out from the woods. He emerges from an old and wise world, from a land of plenty, from a lost paradise. He resembles a wild beast - of course he's human, but is still somewhat an animal, he's the brother of King Kong, with his primitive savagery and his awkward tenderness. He's a peasant, a woodcutter, a forest guard, or a poacher. Also a gardener, who knows the herbs that cure and those the perfume of which enchant the senses; or a vine-grower who amorously touches his grapes and takes care of his big wooden barrels with patience and relish. He resembles Pan, Bacchus or Dionysos, those ancient orgiastic and all-powerful gods. His wild sensuality knows of no limits; nevertheless, at the same time, he's all innocence. This man of extravagance can handle you roughly but without meaning it. And when he realizes that he can hurt you, he will become all tenderness and protection.
Now to find something else to keep me busy that is NOT on Facebook
You are now living in a civilized world. And yet, your fantasms take their roots in an archaic universe, an intact and forgotten universe, a universe where human beings are still connected to nature, in which people live according to the rhythm of the seasons, where one is near to wild beasts and the huge forest of the origins. The man of your dreams is a primeval being, a being who hardly emerges from animality, a being who lives in harmony with the world, plants, trees, beasts, and the forces of the earth. This primitive, powerful and sensual being knows all the secrets of amorous ecstasy. He can show himself as brutal without meaning it. But there's in him neither violence nor wickedness.The man of your dreams comes out from the woods. He emerges from an old and wise world, from a land of plenty, from a lost paradise. He resembles a wild beast - of course he's human, but is still somewhat an animal, he's the brother of King Kong, with his primitive savagery and his awkward tenderness. He's a peasant, a woodcutter, a forest guard, or a poacher. Also a gardener, who knows the herbs that cure and those the perfume of which enchant the senses; or a vine-grower who amorously touches his grapes and takes care of his big wooden barrels with patience and relish. He resembles Pan, Bacchus or Dionysos, those ancient orgiastic and all-powerful gods. His wild sensuality knows of no limits; nevertheless, at the same time, he's all innocence. This man of extravagance can handle you roughly but without meaning it. And when he realizes that he can hurt you, he will become all tenderness and protection.
History
I have very few fond memories of high school (boredom was never really my thing) and yet the ones that stand out, the ones that had the most impact are the ones involving the class that most people hated and found extremely boring. History. Right from the begining of high school I was blessed with a history teacher who believed that you learnt through enjoying a class and made the class fun. We did crazy things like debate how we would have fought everything from the Boer war to the battle of Waterloo and who the Germans would have bombed if they had, had the "bomb" first. We studied the Russian Revolution to the haunting Lara's theme and rewrote Dr Zhivago to give us the happy ending we thought it should have had. We planned the Von Trapp's escape with milatary precision and then watched how they did it. We relived historic moments on a Friday when we spent the hour analysing political cartoons, historic and current and watching the weeks news worthy moments from CNN that we had no idea would be historic and taught to the students after us. I remember crying as we watched the Challenger explode, I remember heated arguments about the student uprisings and what they expected to achieve here only to watch a similar event unfold thousands of kilometers away as chinese students protested for the freedoms they wanted, things that even our student protestors had and took for granted. It's funny how by just having a teacher who turns a subject into something you look forward to, it becomes an abiding and life long interest. I may remember that DNA stands for Deoxyribonucleic acid (ok it's the only thing I remember but then I hated Biology almost as much as I hated the teacher) but I would much rather explore the world of Elizabeth Tudor, Willim Cecil and Robert Dudley or the myths of Greece, Rome and the Norse countries and see just how far we haven't come. . . . . . . . . .
"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it's mistakes"
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Words and more words
It's been a strange morning, it's been good in a lot of ways and yet my enthusiasm seems to be missing today. I've had a song in my head that I haven't heard for ages and yet some of the words just wont stop haunting me, and no it's not the whole song either just certain lines. It's not a song I particularly like, so it's not one I know the words to and yet there the words are over and over and over. I've even tried listening to Black Sabbath and other noise as the boss puts it but the words just wont stop. I have a feeling something big is on the horison and that the universe is giving me a heads up and yet I can't work it out.
Dance With You
sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced with the presence of real love
the only one who saves
I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I don't know a thing and
I been around the world and
I've tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores you show
me what this life is for
I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
in this altered state
full of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go
sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free, nothin' left
but a cracking voice and a song, oh lord
I wanna dance with you
i see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
i see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
Dance With You
sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced with the presence of real love
the only one who saves
I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I don't know a thing and
I been around the world and
I've tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores you show
me what this life is for
I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
in this altered state
full of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go
sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free, nothin' left
but a cracking voice and a song, oh lord
I wanna dance with you
i see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
i see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
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