Heard this quite by accident while I was looking for something else just now and it gave me the chills, very much depicts where I am right now :)

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Saying Goodbye

Despite my previous post, I know that all this pain and desperation is necessary. I know I have to go through all this to get to where I'm going. I am after all saying goodbye to the me I used to be, the me that circumstance and people created, the me I've been all my life. I have to to be able to become the real me. And like saying goodbye to anyone that has ever meant anything to you, this is painful and is cutting to the core. But I'm sure that in the long run all the pain and suffering, all the pain and torment relived, all the trauma and terror will be worth it, because I'm building a much better me. Just wish this saying goodbye got easier and NOT more difficult with each passing day.

In serious need of some

Any volunteers to hold a very broken, damaged, lonely girl who doesn't know which way to go today? My hand needs holding badly

Thats what they keep telling me wish I could believe it :o(

Sad to say it's a 10 steps back day today. Time to hide again.

Mmmmm

Funny what the universe sends your way isn't it.

My own personal desktop reminder of everything you've been trying

to get me to understand and accept. Don't you love it when you're

right AGAIN.

Fuzzy

Yep, that's how I'm feeling this morning all fuzzy round the edges.

On day 5 of nearly no sleep, last night was a totally no sleeper. Gees, get your mind out of the gutter over there that is NOT the reason, I wouldn't be complaining if it was dammit. I'm so damn exhausted I'm starting to think the sleep gods hate me but I digress.

This is actually at some point meant to be about the fuzzy round the edges that I'm feeling.Yes I'm exhausted and yes it may be related but I prefer to think its more along the lines of that this journey of mine is finally starting to bear the right kind of fruit.

I'm finally starting to put my foot down to people who have walked all over me my whole life, I'm finally starting to understand that as horrible and panic attack inducing as things are at the moment they're actually coming to a head and that things are finally shifting for me. Yes I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 back on most days but that's still a step further forward than I was the day before.

Enter the fuzzy round the edges feeling.

To me it sort of feels like I'm one of those pencil drawings we used to do as kids where you used the pencil point on its side to get the almost smokey effect with the lines and then would go back and define the lines later with a solid line sometimes in pencil so it could be changed or sometimes if you were sure what you had was what you wanted, straight over to the felt tip and permanence.

Yeah I was a strange kid to so sue me :oP

Anyway what I think I'm trying to say in my usual eloquent have no idea where this is going kind of way is, it feels to me that I'm in that smokey undefined place right now and that I'm slowly starting to fill in all the solid lines, some I'm lucky with like finding the angel that's being my rock through this, that line is pretty fixed and felt tip penned in already but some of them I'm still experimenting with and they may need to be erased and redrawn a couple more times before I get out the felt tips and make them permanent.

Guess what I'm saying is I'm a work in progress but I'm finally starting to LIKE my progress.

Love, light, laughter and time in the sun to everyone ;o)

Nowhere to go and all night to get there,

That's what the song says.

Feels kinda like nowhere to go and forever to get there to me :o(

Thought I was making progress, well guess what I was WRONG.

AGAIN.

I'm back to not "sleeping", crying and not being able to remember how to breathe.

Desperately in need of someone to talk to, to be there, to hear me but of course there is only ONE person I'm comfortable opening up to and yeah well no chance of that happening anytime soon. I know this is ALL my own stupid fault for ever opening up and letting anyone in. WTF was I thinking. Kind of doubt I'd be feeling any of this crap if I'd just stuck to my guns and stayed in my corner in the dark.

Can't believe I was stupid enough to believe that I ever wanted to feel this kind of hurt, pain and emotional turmoil.

Kinda at the point where I'm thinking that maybe its the wise move just to end this all, throw in the towel and just let this destroy me, probably going to in the end anyway so at least then I wouldn't have to feel the constant pain and nobody else would get to throw me away, cause this time I'd be doing it myself.

Maybe today I just walk away.

The rest of my life has been cancelled due to emotional upheavel and general lack of interest by anyone including myself

Sounds awfully like a conversation we had recently doesn't it ?

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

And yes if you' re not sure it's lyrics to a song called I wont let go by Rascal Flatts and yes there is a story behind me hearing it tonight but thats a story for another day maybe

*sigh*

Just when we both think I may have finally smashed against that rocks at the bottom of rock bottom and its time for me to start picking up the bits and to look for the glue, I manage to find a whole new level of rock bottom and terrified I never knew existed.

I'm starting to think this is never going to end and that I'm destined to spend forever breaking into more pieces that need to be looked for. But have no fear I have complete trust and faith in that you're right and this can not go on for much longer, that it's nearly over. The gods help us both if it isn't

*smile*

Came across this today. Funny but I have someone really special who is fighting tirelessly to remind me of this every single day and it means the world to me that he's sticking with me through my worst moments of fear and anger and won't even consider letting me think about giving up. You really are spectacularly special my friend.

Time for Miracles

I might be shattered and broken at the moment but this says so much about how I feel despite all the drama. I'm not giving up just yet.

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can’t breathe thinking of your smile

Every kiss I can’t forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cause I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us

I just want to be with you
Cuz living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cuz I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us

Baby can you feel it (can you)
You know I can hear it (hear it in my soul)
So can you feel it feel it….
You know it’s time….

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us
I ain’t giving up no
Oh I ain’t giving up on us

Maybe my time for miracles is about to come

Just a random thought prompted by something I read

Never a moment goes by when I do not feel him, sense him, be he miles away or kneeling before me. To feel, to experience, to let myself go, to abandon myself to him is as much my gift to him as his abandoning himself to me is his gift to me. It is not a gift given lightly and it is a gift returned tenfold. Trust, respect, submission, control, given freely, taken freely. To be like this always with the one I love. More than I ever dreamed possible, more than I've ever be given by anyone. Only the one who owns my heart. Someday I hope to find that there is one whose heart I'll own the same way. He will never own mine. . . . .

The realisation that I have walked away from the 2 things I wanted more than anything else in the world in the last six months without so much as putting up an attempt at a fight just because I didn't want to hurt anyone has been a bit of a shocker. Got to try to remember to breathe through the hurt I have caused myself though. . . . .

Strength & Courage

Came across this, this evening. It's pretty cool and someone in particular will know exactly why it caught my attention now of all times. Here's hoping both mine last long enough to come out the other side in one piece.. .. .. .. ..

Strength and Courage
Author: Sylvia Kelly

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

*sigh*

Guess it would be asking way to much for coming to terms with realising that you want something you've known for 17 years was impossible and that you had no interest in before to be easy wouldn't it ?? ? ??

Hiding my heart away

Hiding my heart away

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
It blew me away
It blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watch you wave
Watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain, the morning rain
Although I wish that you were here
That same old road that brought you here
Is calling me home, It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Some days I wish I had, and then I remember who you are and I remember exactly why it I feel the way I do about you and I'm extremely happy that I didn't hide my heart. We may never be what either of us really wanted us to be or anywhere close to perfect but I wouldn't trade a moment with you for an eternity with anyone else.

Sometimes all it takes is a picture, sometimes it has to be you

"When I Look At You"

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are so long

'cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need
Every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful
Yeah yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

I look at you

The Story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you