Sunrise

I lay in the dark watching the sun rise this morning and 2 things crossed my mind.

Yes only 2!!

Somtimes I just dont feel up to multitasking:).

The first was what the hell happened. I was in such a good "head" space when I left work yesterday and then bam 2 phone calls and an sms and all I wanted was to fight. As someone found out and for which I owe one huge apology. Actually if I'm honest that was just a defense mechanism what I really wanted was to hide in a corner and forget. Forget that it still hurts when I speak to Chris's Mom and I realise all over again he is gone and I'll never see him again, I miss his laugh, his voice and the way he could make me feel better with just a smile regardless of how long it had been. History really does suck. Don't miss the neck thing anymore though someone else does it WAY better. Forget that I was fighting really hard to make someone undestand that me walking away has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. It's my fault we dont work anymore, its my fault that I haven't been able to let go and let it happen and it my fault that he feels abandoned. I'm the one with the problem.

The second well that was pretty much just a personal aha moment. And it's one I think I'll keep to myself for just a little while. It needs to compute and right now may just be saying to much.........