How on earth do you deal with something you don't understand?
I'm sitting here tonight after what for the most part has been a really good day and yet I just can't seem to stop crying no matter what I do. This is not the first time this has happened recently and it really is getting to me now. It's the strangest sensation, I feel like I'm losing my grip and I have no idea how to get it back.
I so desperately want to be the person I know I am and was until recently, the person that people see me as, the vibrant, confident, in control person who knows who she is and what it is she wants and knows exactly how to get it, but instead I seem to have lost that me, the me I like and in her place I've found this silly whimpering, sniveling bundle of raw emotion who has absolutely no control. A me who feels weak, worthless, unwanted, useless and totally at odds with herself , the world and it's perception of her.
It's got to the point now that apart from a couple of people I trust enough to let my guard down with I actually can't stomach the idea of talking to anyone never mind being around them for any length of time at all, because I have no idea when this silly creature is going to take over and I just can't face most people seeing this side of me. Oh I force myself to go out when I have to and show people what they expect to see like I did tonight but this other me is so close to the surface now that it's only a matter of time before she wins and gets out in public. She very nearly got out tonight and probably would have if it wasn't for the fact that I knew there would soon be a crowd and the situation with my brother isn't helping either, actually it's just making it worse. It took just about everything I had left in me to keep her in until I got home and could let my guard down and now I have no idea if I'll get her put away again. You know what is really sad though? The fact that as much as I don't want to be anywhere near people, I actually want nothing more than for someone to be there and just hold me. Talk about one confused, messed up chick :(
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