At war

I feel like I'm at war with myself this morning. I have these two very distinct parts of me that are both fighting a battle to get out and I have a feeling that no matter which side wins I'm going to be the one who ends up losing.

The first side is the one I mentioned in my post last night,the silly whimpering, sniveling bundle of raw emotion who has no control and feels like a totally weak, worthless, unwanted, useless human being. The side who so desperately wants nothing more at the moment than to disappear. This though is the side that is sensitive, caring and who loves and feels and contrary to herself wants people and all they bring to her life.

The second is the side of me is a person I like more in some ways, she is confident, assertive, strong and in control. The side that doesn't need other people to validate her existence and knows her place in the world. This though is the side that needs no one, feels nothing and is extremely cold and distant.

At times in the past both these sides of me have been who I was completely and at times they have even managed to exist in a friendly state of peace all be it briefly with the best of both sides being at the forefront of who I was and how I felt.

Until recently I felt I had finally found that happy medium where they could coexist without very many issues. I was the strong, assertive, confident, sensitive, caring, loving person I know deep down I'm meant to be. The me who isn't afraid to need and be needed, the me who loves and can accept being loved, the me I want to be.

And yet once again I have derailed and gone to war with myself. I am now fighting myself so hard that I don't know if I'm going to survive the onslaught of these two me's. I have to make serious descions about who I am and who I want to be and I have no idea where to start. I'm sitting at a crossroads that will in no uncertain terms determine how I go forward and as who I go forward. These two sides of me seem determined to destroy me and I have no idea if I can or even want to come back from this onslaught.

The only thing I do know for certain right now is that as much as I don't want people around me I desperately need them and that is harder to deal with than the rest of the war I'm waging.