Guilty . . . . . for now anyway

Ok so I've had a really strange morning.

I'm in a really good place, I'm happy with where my life seems to be going, I'm happy with my progress, I'm happy with my "relationships" (yes the word is very loosely used). Yes you guessed it I am HAPPY.

More than that I am content, I'm doing the things I want to be doing with the people I want to be doing them with and I am finally making inroads into being able to live my passion and make a difference. In short I'm living, loving, laughing and definetly learining.



So why a strange morning then? ? ? ?



Guilt! ! ! ! Yes I am happy and yes I am content but I am also suffering from guilt this morning because of a choice I need to make.
Something happened that even as little as 3 months ago I would probably have jumped at but now. . . . . turns out that someone I've been "seeing" for a while would like to make ours a "real relationship" (his words not mine) and there in lies the problem, as much as I like this guy and yes even care about him, I am not interested in a "real relationship" which in itself should not be a problem, awkward yes, problem no.

The actual problem comes from my reasons for not wanting a real relationship and here comes the selfish part and the part that I'm feeling guilty about.

Why should I give up the fun I'm having seeing more than one person on the off chance that this may possibly work out and then of course there is the little issue of even though I care for this guy there is something missing, the spark is just not what it should be (yep, the spark belongs to someone else).

I've spent the morning weighing up the pro's and con's of a real relationship versus what I have now, I've considered the him versus everyone else options, I have even argued the stability and future card with myself and I keep comming back to it's the right thing to do but it's not what I want to do. So do I do what others would consider the right thing, the thing everyone would expect me to do, the thing that will mean the end to my other relationships, the thing that will give me stability and a security, in other words do I settle for what is expected of me. The thing that leaves me in the clear.

Or do I do what I want to do and tell this guy that there is just no good sane reason for me to make this a "real realtionship", that I don't want to spend my life being bored (yep no way in hell he will explore any of the things I am exploring and enjoying), do I tell him that I want the excitement, passion and fun I have now and that he just doesn't offer any of it and leaves me feeling guilty for hurting a genuinely nice guy that I care about.



The choice has been made and sadly it leaves someone I care about hurt and me feeling guilty. It also means that I'm probably going to kick myself for my choice at some stage but thats a price I'm willing to pay if I ever need to pay it. I've chosen to live my life by live, love, learn and laugh and to settle for anything less would be more than just silly it would be insane.

So yes I'll be living with guilt for a while but I still get to learn from this, I get to love some more and I will look back and laugh about it someday




"There is a space between man's imagination and man's attainment that may only be traversed by his longing." Khalil Gibran