Yesterday

Yesterday’s post was literally written in the 2 min before I left the office to go out to Northgate and was written from the heart about how I felt at that very moment but it was also written without much thought, it was almost as if it was just words that needed to get out. So although I posted it, I don’t think it really sunk in exactly what I had written till I got a comment on it and went back and reread what I’d written. 2 things about the post struck me, the first my statement about surviving the storm because it was really the first time I had acknowledged to anyone let alone myself that that’s exactly how I feel about my life. As if I am stuck in the middle of one of those really crazy violent storms where you have no idea what Mother Nature will throw at you next but you know it’s going to be big. And surviving it is all that you really can do. Well I’m going to survive this to and it’s going to get me one step closer to the person I’m meant to be, whoever she may be. And each day is just a little easier because I know somewhere in the middle of this chaos there is the eye of the storm and with it, it will bring some peace and maybe just a little clarity about the direction I need to take in my life. The second was my comment on being strangely fixed and yet so broken. It’s a funny thing to say, I mean how can you be fixed and broken all at the same time, it’s not possible and yet I am. The fixed comes from a moment earlier in the week where I just knew that everything was going to be alright and that as much as I had messed up, it wasn’t the end of the world, in fact it was a second chance, a chance to do it better and to do it right and somehow the pain I was feeling somewhere deep in me was just gone and therefore fixed. The broken is a little more difficult to explain but I’m going to try. With everything that has been going on in the last few months, the people who’d walked away from me, the people I’d walked away from, the loss of friends some to choices I made, others to choices I wish I had not made and some to choices they made. I’ve been left with a ton of silly regrets and even sillier I wishes, a real shoulda, coulda, woulda list and these have slowly started to make me feel very inadequate and just plain ole not good enough and this was slowly cracking the hard fought for sense of self and self worth that I had finally won. And this is where the broken is, this is where I now have to go to and start fixing. I literally need to plug holes and re lay parts of my soul, I have to let go of the shoulda, coulda, woulda list and realise that I really could not have done it any differently because that was who I was at that moment and I now have to build on that and try to make a better me. A fixed me. . . . .