Memories

Monday was a really odd day, but in a good way. I spent part of the day feeling I’d been hit full on in the solar plexus, part of it wanting to cry and still some more of it realising just how far I really have come and it all left me with a sad little smile on my face. Yes I know that all sounds extremely contradictory but let me explain.

For months now I have backed up files onto my work computer and on Friday had decided to put some of the folders on to the flash drive to bring home and sort out. Sort of a remove all the personal stuff and make sure there is nothing “incriminating” accidently left behind exercise.
There was the standard stuff, pictures and emails I’d collected and been sent, pictures I’d downloaded for a certain personal project I was given and enjoyed too much to delete and a few that well where just there because I liked them. There were even a few from a function or 2 that we had been involved with in the last 7 or 8 months and amongst all these a few of friends as well and that was the first blow to the solar plexus. Amongst them I found a picture of someone that took my breath away (the fact that I had this picture, NOT that this person didn’t take my breath away at one time and probably still would). That’s what happens when you just save stuff people send you because you don’t have the time to go through it. You end up with stuff you don’t know you have. In this case it’s probably a good thing too because I probably would have deleted it along with everything else related to it a couple of months back. (Yes I react in anger and hurt just like any other girl only to regret it later) The strange thing is this person has been on my mind, ok so I never really got rid of it, he’s pretty much always in the back of my mind and it was sort of a cosmic reminder that he’s still there even if neither of us is admitting it. The second blow came from a mail and a picture I had saved from someone who was really excited to be moving back to Gauteng because it meant we would get to spend more time together (hooking up again was also pretty inevitable according to him). He was here just over 3 months when he was killed and we’d seen each other exactly 0 times, our timing always was SO bad. The mail made me cry, (it still hurts like hell that he’s gone) the picture had me go into the office to send it to somebody who kicked me in the head again as soon as I saw it.

My “mix” folder was of course a really big joke. If you’ve spent any time reading any of my ramblings you know that music pretty much rates as my number one tool of inspiration, solace and comfort. It’s my safe harbour when all else fails. Add to this about 100 songs in a folder that all remind me in some way or another of someone or something and you see my insanity forming There’s Rising force, Carry on wayward son, War Pigs, you don’t remember, something in your mouth and I’d come for you that are purely David. There’s no surprise, numb and beautiful disaster that are totally Michael, Because of you, see it in a boys eyes and 100 years that are all Eric through and through and of course for Chris there is Photograph, No bravery and Think of me. And there is “I do not hook up” for a certain a$$ who doesn’t get that I don’t do one night with a stranger let alone someone I don’t connect with just because I happen to be with a crowd that regularly hook up. There is also Poison, unwell, far away, this year, I don’t wanna be, brick in the wall, in my life and who wants to live forever and Seether’s careless whisper that are pure me. Not to mention all the others that are either there for a person, event or moment in my life and of course then there is my latest addition from Katy Perry that says it better than I ever could for one person in particular

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night

There was also a folder full of blog posts, some I’ve posted and some that I hadn’t. Some of these where extremely personal and where about things that at the time I wrote them I just wasn’t ready to share (some I’m still not sure about). Somewhere about specific people and since some of these people read this I felt I couldn’t post them without their permission and since I have no intention of asking since I’d have to explain I won’t be posting them anytime soon. There were even one or 2 that where just me ranting about how unfair it is that things work out the way they do, mostly about how stupid certain women are not to realise exactly what they have. (Yeah I still hate being a girl except for certain of the perks that you only get if you are a girl ;)). There are even a few of me being a real girl and pouring my heart out about the things I’ve lost recently, that I decided not to post because A. I wasn’t going to indulge in published self pity and B. Yeah well maybe admitting to my stupidity regarding something is well just .........stupid. There is even a post about something that was no fun to relive but I had felt I could start to discuss with someone before things, ok let’s just leave it at before. There is also a confession or 2 about my past and who and how I was shaped into what I have become in the last few months in certain areas that I will no longer be sharing since the one person who may have found them insightful no longer needs the insight. I will however admit to missing our talks and the fact that I was comfortable enough to discuss a lot of this stuff for the first time with him.

There were also a few silly bits of wisdom and little inspirational pictures I had intended to post but somehow I lost the intent in the mess that has been my life. Hopefully now that I finally seem to be moving forward and making sense of things I’ll actually get around to what I had intended this blog to be. . . . . . . . . So yes it was odd in a good way, it was also a trip down memory lane that reminded me that , for as much bad and sad as there has been of late there is still hope and hope is the ultimate good................