I spent most of last night tossing and turning and debating with myself about what to do about something that happened yesterday and the conclusion it lead me to.
It's something that I picked up on a little while ago but had kept to myself, a.because it is extremely personal and b. because it concerns a side of my life that very few people are aware of and c. quite frankly I had no idea what to do about it. When it happened again yesterday though I knew I had to do something and since I can't discuss it with the one person who I know would understand and most likely have some insight, that would have had it making sense in no time. I decided to just put it out there, maybe it's the right move and maybe it's not but what the heck I've got to get it out my system somehow and maybe just maybe I'll come up with the answer once I see the problem in black and white.
A few months back I hooked up with someone in what was initially meant to be a once off play date. It went really well and since we had fun together and the chemistry between us seemed to work we decided to keep seeing each other. We had been meeting a few times a month ever since and everything was going well. He was only to glad to teach and I was a willing pupil, in fact it went so well that by the 4th or 5th time we got together he let me take complete control and it was a high I never thought I could ever experience naturally. Then about the time I was going through all that I'm losing everything stuff, something changed. It was as if the chemistry between us had been surgically removed. At the time I attributed it to the fact that I was losing things and people left, right and centre and that I was just being emotional and honestly some of the stuff that had happened at the time affected me more than I had expected or admitted till now but we perservered, hoping it would get better as I dealt with everything. I eventually started withholding myself. I used every excuse in the book, none of which where very valid since I was supposed to be the one in control. A couple of weeks ago I decided that it couldn't go on like that since neither of us was getting what we wanted from it and I jumped back in the deep end, it was good but it wasn't what it should have been. The chemistry was still gone. My patience and perseverance may under normal circumstances be 2 of my strong points but in this case proved to be nothing but delaying the inevitable. We got together yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home last night I knew I had to work out what the hell had gone wrong and work out a way to fix it or at the very least find a solution that works for both of us.
And there in lies my problem. . . . . . I think I managed to pin point exactly when things changed last night and I think I know what the cause was but there is no way that I can see to fix it. I wish I could figure it out. Not only because it would fix what is wrong with this but if I could it would fix something else I managed to mess up around the same time. Quite honestly though I would give up this right now if it meant I could have the other back in any way shape or form. I have now come to the conclusion that I have 3 options here (yeah I can never do it the easy way can I) I can either 1. Keep trying in the hope that by some miracle it will fix itself 2. Tell him to walk away or 3. well 3 actually needs some more thought so I guess I only have 2 options after all. Somehow I see another sleepless night ahead of me............
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