Today was the last funeral I hope to attend for a very looooooooooooong time.
It was also probably one of the saddest I've ever attended on a personal level.
It's funny you know I was fine when I heard he had been killed yes I was shocked and saddend but I was ok, I was fine when I spoke to his mother we even shared a laugh or 2 and I was fine this morning when I saw his family together for the first time.
I wasn't so fine though when I walked into the church and saw his coffin.
It suddenly struck me that he was gone and that no matter how much history we shared, it didn't matter just how many memories we had made and that they where all good, I would never see him again, he would never sneak up behind me and kiss my neck again and I would never hear his laugh again.
Ours is a long story that started when he was barely 15 and he moved in with his grandparents 2 houses down from us. By the time he came to work with us he had wormed his way into our lives and double shifts never seemed as long when he was around and despite our age difference he and I clicked on so many levels. He was there for me more than once when I fell apart because of a man, I was there for him when his folks split up and his dad died within months. By the time he turned 18 we where inseprable and it was inevetable that whenever we where single at the same time we always just seemed to be end up together, it was never official and never for very long but it always worked. Then I moved away and he went off to the airforce but somehow we always kept in touch. We would phone for birthdays, spend weekends having fun together, even occasionally hooking up for short periods. When he was around it was like he brought back the pieces of me that I never even knew where missing, something I've only experienced again recently. And when he wasn't, we both just went on with our lives. He got married and divorced, he travelled but we always kept in touch and shared our heartaches and happiness.
He has been part of my life for so long that I'd never even considered that someday he wouldn't be there anymore.
He left me with one more memory today and it's one that made me smile in a sadly happy way. He had written a letter to his mother years ago, telling her that if ever anything should happen to him he wanted these words included in his funeral. They're from Phantom of the Opera which we saw together years ago and which we always seemed to quote to one another in emails and messages. So yes my friend not only will I remember you and think of you fondly, I will also be eternally greatful to you for the one last smile you gave me today.
Think of me
Think of me, think of me fondly
when we've said goodbye
Remember me once in a while
please promise me you'll try
When you find that, once again,
you long to take your heart back
and be free
if you ever find a moment
spare a thought for me
We never said our love was evergreen
or as unchanging as the sea
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me
Think of all the things
we've shared and seen
don't think about the things
which might have been
Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you
Long ago, it seems so long ago
How young and innocent we were
She may not remember me
but I remember her
Flowers fade,
The fruits of summer fade,
They have decisions,
so do we
but please promise me,
that sometimes
you will think of me
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