Goodbye cruel world

Time to say goodbye to one h3ll of a year and everyone and everything associated with making it that way. Me thinks it's time to focus on me and find my way back to who know I am instead of allowing those I care about to walk all over me in their own little ways.


Here's hoping that 2012 is a gentler year for all.

Set yourself free

Set yourself free from anything that might hinder you in becoming the person you want to be. Free yourself from the uncertainties about your abilities or the worth of your dreams, from the fears that you may not be able to achieve them or that they won't be what you wanted.

Set yourself free from the past. The good things from yesterday are still yours in memory; the things you want to forget you will, for tomorrow is only a sunrise away. Free yourself from regret or guilt, and promise to live this day as fully as you can.

Set yourself free from the expectations of others, and never feel guilty or embarrassed if you do not live up to their standards. You are most important to yourself; live by what you feel is best and right for you. Others will come to respect your integrity and honesty.

Set yourself free to simply be yourself, and you will soar higher than you've ever dreamed.

~Edmund O'Neill

Maybe it's time to believe the people I trust and walk away from the rest

*Fingers Crossed*

Feeling strangely disjointed today and for no good reason actually.
My knots have been back in full force for a few days now and I'm kinda battling
to figure them out because all I'm actually able to define completely is a sense of beginings and
endings and of an escalation of something to new and unexpected levels.
Looks like I could be in for an interesting start to my new year, lets just hope that its not a bad omen

*fingers & toes crossed*

"Everything But Me"

Far away in another place
I'd give my soul just to see her face
If I'd have known it meant my suitcase
Of everything that you just couldn't say
How'd you know I needed that today?

Wherever you are is where I want to be
Look around and tell me what you see
Everything, everything but me
No matter how many miles stand in between
In my heart is where you'll be
Holdin' on to all our dreams
With everything, everything but me

Lookin' through photographs today
Different times always seem the same
Then I saw a picture of your smile
Something I haven't seen in a while
You know the one, the one you loved to hate
But every time it takes my breath away

Wherever you are is where I want to be
Look around and tell me what ya see
Everything, everything but me
No matter how many miles stand in between
In my heart is where you'll be
Holdin' on to all our dreams
With everything, everything but me

Do you know how much it hurts to know
And leave it all behind, leave it all behind
I see you in my mind
'Cause you are right there all the time
Far away in another place
Give my soul just to see your face

Wherever you are is where I want to be
Look around and tell me what ya see
Everything, everything but me
No matter how many miles stand in between
In my heart is where you'll be
Holdin' on to all our dreams, yeah
No matter how many miles stand in between
In my heart is where you'll be
Holdin' on to all our dreams
With everything, everything but me
With everything, everything but me

And yes this is my final word on this subject

The way to spend a Sunday ;o)

*giggle*

Just a thought

Yes, YOU !!!!!! !!!!!

And if you don't see it screw you ! ! !

Time to hear ME!!!!!!!!!

My whole life I have made every person I've cared about or loved my priority and given them my all. My whole life not one of you has ever made me more than a convenient option to be used when you need or want something that I can conveniently give.

I refuse to be ignored and pushed aside any longer, I refuse accept being treated like less than who I am just because thats what you think I am. If I mean so little, I will no longer waste my time caring and pretending not to be hurt every time one of you push me aside, ignore me and pretend my wants or needs have no meaning and that I have no right to want or need anything. I hope you all find the hapiness you've taken away from me. . . . . . . .

Me ................................ Defined

Something I wonder about myself often. . .

I LOVE my retard in tin foil

Told you he was reading my mind .........

Lullaby

Well I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

I'm telling you that
Its never that bad
Take it from someone whose been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And your not sure
You can take this anymore

So just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about
The easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well everybody's hit the bottom
And everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on

Just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Someone is reading my mind again............

Trying Not To Love You


You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more


And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go

But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear
Tonight I'm dying to tell you

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

Embarassed

Yes, I am.
I said something here the other day that really wasn't aimed at the recipient
but as usual in my anger and hurt inflicted by others I was lashing out at the
person who means the most to me in the world. My best friend and the one
person I know I can always rely on to tell it to me as it is.
I'm so sorry.
I wish I could take my words back and no I'm not
taking down the post I want it there as a reminder of exactly how
STUPID I can be sometimes.

Black Tuesday, death of the democracy Mandela fought for ???

"████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ ███ is███████ ████ fine ████ ███ love, ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government."

You were right

You finally made me cry.
It's no fun realising you're not even worth 10mins of someones time

Worthless, pathetic, yes thats me

Silent Lucidity

Hush now don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over or has it just begun

There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I-will be watching over you
I-I'm gonna help you see it though
I-will protect you in the night
I-I'm smiling next to you in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you build within come tumbling down
And a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of Illusion can you realize
Your dream's alive you can be the guide but
(I) will be watching over you
(I) I'm gonna help you see it though
(I) will protect you in the night
(I) I'm smiling next to you

Queesryche

Somedays are just so much clearer than others.
I have no choice.
This is the path I have been chosen to walk, as much as I question.
The pain and confusion I feel is a lesson whether my own or that I have to impart to others.
I am where I am meant to be and I will continue to be there for as long as it's needed of me.
The love I feel is both my blessing and my curse but it is meant to be

My Declaration

I'll take you just the way you are
imperfect words inside the perfect song
I feel you closer than you are
but I've been waiting far too long,
too long

It's my declaration
to anyone whose listening
You're my inspiration
as I stand alone against the world
cause you love,
and you bleed,
and you stole my soul to set me free
It's my declaration

Do you care what I believe
('cause I'm still breathing)
or that I wear your heart upon my sleeve
sometimes I think you never knew
the only truth I see is
You
It's you

It's my declaration
to anyone whose listening
You're my inspiration
as I stand alone against the world
cause you love,
and you bleed,
and you stole my soul to set me free
It's my declaration

and are there any words to say
that I would ever mean enough
when the light runs from the day
Will the darkness be too much?
Will I ever be enough?

It's my declaration
to anyone whose listening
You're my inspiration
as I stand alone against the world
cause you love,
and you bleed,
and you stole my soul to set me free

It's my declaration
so tell me you can hear these words tonight

It's my declaration

Lost

Seems I'm more lost than I thought
Recently I've lost love
I've lost my happiness
I've lost the ability to see beauty
I've lost my inner peace
and now I've lost hope
Guess there is nothing left
to do or say
Time I think for me to disappear

Precisely how I feel every time I look at you

I never thought that you would be the one
to hold my heart

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start



You put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

You put your arms around me and I'm home



How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around

I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown



I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I'm home



The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved

I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone



You put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go



I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I'm home



I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth

And I've never opened up

I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go





I hope that you see right through my walls

I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling

I'll never let a love get so close

You put your arms around me and I'm home



You put your arms around me and I'm home

Lyrics to Arms by Christina Perry

Hell

Think I may have miscalculated where hell actually is . . . . . .

Escape

The Magic of Love

Love is like magic

And it always will be.

For love still remains

Life's sweet mystery!!

Love works in ways

That are wondrous and strange

And there's nothing in life

That love cannot change!!

Love can transform

The most commonplace

Into beauty and splendor

And sweetness and grace.

Love is unselfish,

Understanding and kind,

For it sees with its heart

And not with its mind!!

Love is the answer

That everyone seeks...

Love is the language,

That every heart speaks.

Love can't be bought,

It is priceless and free,

Love, like pure magic,

Is life's sweet mystery!!

~Helen Steiner Rice

Love.................Again

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.

~Yoda

~*~

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it.

Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers
it.
Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it.
Bitterness sickens life; love heals it.
Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its
eyes.

~Harry Emerson Fosdick

~*~

Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.


~Martin Luther King, Jr.
(Strength To Love, 1963)

Love

Love is what we were born with.

Fear is what we have learned here.

The spiritual journey is the relinquishment - or unlearning -

of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.

Love is…our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth.

To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and
others, is the meaning of life.

~Marianne Williamson

Just something thats been playing in the back of my head

"Science & Faith"

Tried to break love to a science
In an act of pure defiance
I broke her heart.
As i pulled apart her theories
As i watched her growing weary
I pulled her apart
Having heavy conversations
About the furthest constellations of our souls. oh
We're just trying to find some meaning
In the things that we believe in
But we got some ways to go.
Of all of the things that she's ever said
She goes and says something that just knocks me dead.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours.

Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real
Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real

I tried pushing evolution
As the obvious conclusion of the start.
But it was for my own amusement
Saying love was an illusion of a hopeless heart.
Of all of the things that she's ever said
She goes and says something that knocks me dead.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours.

Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.
Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.

Of all of the things that she's ever said
She goes and says something that just knocks me dead

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours.
Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real
Ooohhhh
It's the way we feel, yeah this is real

*sigh*

Isn't it strange how for a couple of weeks now I have felt so strong, so powerful, in touch with my own self for the first time ever and now I'm just broken again

Dance in the rain

My thought for the day . . . . . . . .

I'm having the time of my life (Carlos Santana)

I am having the time of my life

Everything feels new and exciting

Deliciously with madness

The dimensions of color, texture,

Sound, taste, feel & mind are even more real

And have much more depth.

Oh lord how high am I

I dont feel fear

I don't feel shame

No no no .. No guilt

I do feel oneness closeness in dearness

I Love everyone and everything

I am high with knowing that

God assures and guarantees a happy outcome for everyone

I am having the time of my life

*giggle*

Couldn't help myself, YMCA has NEVER been this cool or this funny

Miss you

It's been 5 years today since you died.

I find myself missing you now more than ever before.

Yes I have regrets, yes there are things I'd like to change.

But I finally understand that you did the best you could, I'm finally seeing things for what they were and realising perception was not the truth.

You helped make me who I am and I'm proud to say I have your strength.

Just wish you could see the me I'm becoming, I think you'd have liked her.

Miss you dad

40 years

Thats how much hell they would have put each other through today if they were still alive.

Miss you Mom and Dad

Just kinda how I feel

Hope someone comes looking for me SOON! ! ! !

Heard this quite by accident while I was looking for something else just now and it gave me the chills, very much depicts where I am right now :)

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Saying Goodbye

Despite my previous post, I know that all this pain and desperation is necessary. I know I have to go through all this to get to where I'm going. I am after all saying goodbye to the me I used to be, the me that circumstance and people created, the me I've been all my life. I have to to be able to become the real me. And like saying goodbye to anyone that has ever meant anything to you, this is painful and is cutting to the core. But I'm sure that in the long run all the pain and suffering, all the pain and torment relived, all the trauma and terror will be worth it, because I'm building a much better me. Just wish this saying goodbye got easier and NOT more difficult with each passing day.

In serious need of some

Any volunteers to hold a very broken, damaged, lonely girl who doesn't know which way to go today? My hand needs holding badly

Thats what they keep telling me wish I could believe it :o(

Sad to say it's a 10 steps back day today. Time to hide again.

Mmmmm

Funny what the universe sends your way isn't it.

My own personal desktop reminder of everything you've been trying

to get me to understand and accept. Don't you love it when you're

right AGAIN.

Fuzzy

Yep, that's how I'm feeling this morning all fuzzy round the edges.

On day 5 of nearly no sleep, last night was a totally no sleeper. Gees, get your mind out of the gutter over there that is NOT the reason, I wouldn't be complaining if it was dammit. I'm so damn exhausted I'm starting to think the sleep gods hate me but I digress.

This is actually at some point meant to be about the fuzzy round the edges that I'm feeling.Yes I'm exhausted and yes it may be related but I prefer to think its more along the lines of that this journey of mine is finally starting to bear the right kind of fruit.

I'm finally starting to put my foot down to people who have walked all over me my whole life, I'm finally starting to understand that as horrible and panic attack inducing as things are at the moment they're actually coming to a head and that things are finally shifting for me. Yes I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 back on most days but that's still a step further forward than I was the day before.

Enter the fuzzy round the edges feeling.

To me it sort of feels like I'm one of those pencil drawings we used to do as kids where you used the pencil point on its side to get the almost smokey effect with the lines and then would go back and define the lines later with a solid line sometimes in pencil so it could be changed or sometimes if you were sure what you had was what you wanted, straight over to the felt tip and permanence.

Yeah I was a strange kid to so sue me :oP

Anyway what I think I'm trying to say in my usual eloquent have no idea where this is going kind of way is, it feels to me that I'm in that smokey undefined place right now and that I'm slowly starting to fill in all the solid lines, some I'm lucky with like finding the angel that's being my rock through this, that line is pretty fixed and felt tip penned in already but some of them I'm still experimenting with and they may need to be erased and redrawn a couple more times before I get out the felt tips and make them permanent.

Guess what I'm saying is I'm a work in progress but I'm finally starting to LIKE my progress.

Love, light, laughter and time in the sun to everyone ;o)

Nowhere to go and all night to get there,

That's what the song says.

Feels kinda like nowhere to go and forever to get there to me :o(

Thought I was making progress, well guess what I was WRONG.

AGAIN.

I'm back to not "sleeping", crying and not being able to remember how to breathe.

Desperately in need of someone to talk to, to be there, to hear me but of course there is only ONE person I'm comfortable opening up to and yeah well no chance of that happening anytime soon. I know this is ALL my own stupid fault for ever opening up and letting anyone in. WTF was I thinking. Kind of doubt I'd be feeling any of this crap if I'd just stuck to my guns and stayed in my corner in the dark.

Can't believe I was stupid enough to believe that I ever wanted to feel this kind of hurt, pain and emotional turmoil.

Kinda at the point where I'm thinking that maybe its the wise move just to end this all, throw in the towel and just let this destroy me, probably going to in the end anyway so at least then I wouldn't have to feel the constant pain and nobody else would get to throw me away, cause this time I'd be doing it myself.

Maybe today I just walk away.

The rest of my life has been cancelled due to emotional upheavel and general lack of interest by anyone including myself

Sounds awfully like a conversation we had recently doesn't it ?

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Wont let you go
No I won't

And yes if you' re not sure it's lyrics to a song called I wont let go by Rascal Flatts and yes there is a story behind me hearing it tonight but thats a story for another day maybe

*sigh*

Just when we both think I may have finally smashed against that rocks at the bottom of rock bottom and its time for me to start picking up the bits and to look for the glue, I manage to find a whole new level of rock bottom and terrified I never knew existed.

I'm starting to think this is never going to end and that I'm destined to spend forever breaking into more pieces that need to be looked for. But have no fear I have complete trust and faith in that you're right and this can not go on for much longer, that it's nearly over. The gods help us both if it isn't

*smile*

Came across this today. Funny but I have someone really special who is fighting tirelessly to remind me of this every single day and it means the world to me that he's sticking with me through my worst moments of fear and anger and won't even consider letting me think about giving up. You really are spectacularly special my friend.

Time for Miracles

I might be shattered and broken at the moment but this says so much about how I feel despite all the drama. I'm not giving up just yet.

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can’t breathe thinking of your smile

Every kiss I can’t forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cause I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us

I just want to be with you
Cuz living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cuz I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us

Baby can you feel it (can you)
You know I can hear it (hear it in my soul)
So can you feel it feel it….
You know it’s time….

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us
I ain’t giving up no
Oh I ain’t giving up on us

Maybe my time for miracles is about to come

Just a random thought prompted by something I read

Never a moment goes by when I do not feel him, sense him, be he miles away or kneeling before me. To feel, to experience, to let myself go, to abandon myself to him is as much my gift to him as his abandoning himself to me is his gift to me. It is not a gift given lightly and it is a gift returned tenfold. Trust, respect, submission, control, given freely, taken freely. To be like this always with the one I love. More than I ever dreamed possible, more than I've ever be given by anyone. Only the one who owns my heart. Someday I hope to find that there is one whose heart I'll own the same way. He will never own mine. . . . .

The realisation that I have walked away from the 2 things I wanted more than anything else in the world in the last six months without so much as putting up an attempt at a fight just because I didn't want to hurt anyone has been a bit of a shocker. Got to try to remember to breathe through the hurt I have caused myself though. . . . .

Strength & Courage

Came across this, this evening. It's pretty cool and someone in particular will know exactly why it caught my attention now of all times. Here's hoping both mine last long enough to come out the other side in one piece.. .. .. .. ..

Strength and Courage
Author: Sylvia Kelly

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

*sigh*

Guess it would be asking way to much for coming to terms with realising that you want something you've known for 17 years was impossible and that you had no interest in before to be easy wouldn't it ?? ? ??

Hiding my heart away

Hiding my heart away

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
It blew me away
It blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watch you wave
Watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain, the morning rain
Although I wish that you were here
That same old road that brought you here
Is calling me home, It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Some days I wish I had, and then I remember who you are and I remember exactly why it I feel the way I do about you and I'm extremely happy that I didn't hide my heart. We may never be what either of us really wanted us to be or anywhere close to perfect but I wouldn't trade a moment with you for an eternity with anyone else.

Sometimes all it takes is a picture, sometimes it has to be you

"When I Look At You"

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights are so long

'cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

When I look at you
I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah when my world is falling apart
When there's no light
To break up the dark
That's when I
I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need
Every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful
Yeah yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home any more
That's when I
I look at you

I look at you

The Story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Finally

starting to get the strands that connect us :o)

22/07/2011

Another day that will live in infamy :o(

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who had

thier families so cruelly ripped from them.

I feel for each of you.

Going ... going ... gone

Think it's time for a break.

Time away from everything and everyone.

Don't see that many people so it wont be to hard,

doubt they'll even notice I'm not around.

Just need to be GONE... ... ... ...

Might be back some time I don't know yet.

Never gonna be .................. alone (well unless you're me)

You know it's funny you can hear a song literally hundred's of times and it's just a song, just something that plays in the background. Part of the sound track to a life I guess. Then you have a moment like I did just now, where when you're feeling something particular and you hear that same song and suddenly it takes on a completely new meaning. Maybe you HEAR the lyrics for the first time or maybe its message is what you need to hear.

*shrug*

Who really knows or understands these things? Certainly NOT me.

Anyway I've been having a decidedly bad morning, woke up feeling like I'm on the edge of an abyss about to fall and there is nothing and no one to grab hold of to to stop myself falling.

I've been accused of being a user and an emotional blackmailer, Yep, that's what comes of dumping someone that gives you the willies a week after his dad dies. Although I had to giggle at the idea of supposedly having been using him for sex considering those self same willies made it impossible for me to even let him kiss him, guess a single kiss qualifies as sex these days. Wish they'd issue revised rules when the make sweeping changes like that. Got blamed for things being wrong in someone else's life. AGAIN. Funny but in my opinion he has it pretty good thanks to everything I've given up for him, but then again that's just my opinion and it apparently counts for nothing the same way I do. Yeah you guessed it, I'm feeling decidedly lost and very alone despite assurances from the people that matter that I'm not. Hard to believe them actually when you're spending all your time wishing for someone to talk to, for someone to just see you, to hear you.

Futility should be my new second name I guess.

Anyway that's not what this was supposed to be about.

It was supposed to be about the lyrics that I'm about to post again.

Made me feel a little better, even if I've never felt more alone or less important to anyone.

"Never Gonna Be Alone"

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
You're never gonna be alone
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

Oh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You're never gonna be alone
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day.

Just showin some luv ! ! !

Got a LOT going on in my head and in my life actually that I'm trying to sort out without to many tears or temper tantrums. As they say this too shall pass I guess

Can't help myself

Those special people . . . . . . . .

Each stone, each bend cries welcome to him.

He identifies with the mountains and the streams,

he sees something of his own soul in the plants and

the animals and the birds of the field.

~from The Warrior of the Light

~*~

Warriors of the light are not perfect.
Their beauty lies in accepting this fact
and still desiring to grow and to learn.

~from The Warrior of the Light

Paulo Coelho

Funny, reading both of these just now brought someone very specific to mind :o)

Have you ever stood still and felt?

by
Joni Pulido

Have you ever stood still and felt

An overwhelming tenderness
A deep sorrow
Watching the world as you know it
Collapse in one great rubble?

Will you feel rage and hatred?
Will you feel compassion and care?
Will you think how you will make them pay?
Will you think how you can help them heal?

When you greet fire with fire

You make a gigantic ball
Until its big enough to topple
Everything on its way

Have you seen fire greet calm water

And meet in tranquility?
The great fire quiets as its passed
From one calming presence to another

I am not a great hero nor done any great
deeds

But this much I can be, a bearer of hope
To let the pained souls know love is possible
And maybe the great ball will quiet as its
passed

From one loving heart to another

" Friendships begin because, even without words,

we understand how someone feels"

Joan Walsh Anglund

Home

Finally got something to say

Funny, but after weeks of really having something I feel I need too say but not knowing what it was I had to say I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I had to say to someone.

Problem being that I sorta, kinda can't cause I sorta, kinda dumped his ass last week for no reason other than well yeah thats actually another story altogether suffice it to say I feel really crappy about it especially given the fact that his dad passed away less than a week later but then again you also can't be what you're not or at least that seems to be part of the lesson here anyway.

On the upside I can finally give him the explanation he asked for cause I can finally say what I needed to say.

Now if I can just sort out my knots and their relationship to someone else or finally figure out WTF it is that I'm supposed to say to him before its to late (don't ask but gut feel really is a vague ole bugger sometimes) I might actually be making progress.

Have a love and laughter filled weekend peeps ;o)

The best definition of Love I've ever read

Love is not something you do,

Love is a way of being.

And more than that.

It is simply being,

Being with another person, however they may be.

Holding no judgments, having no agendas,

No desire to control,

No need to prove your love,

No intrusion upon their soul.

Nothing but a total acceptance of their being

This one has so many potential anwers depending on the aspect of my life I feel like focusing on and they would also all be wrong because the ONLY person standing between me and happiness is

Me!

Simple Perfection

My words are failing badly today . . . . . .

The music NEVER does

Nothing to say really just...................

Silence

The Beauty of Books

Perfect

Not really a fan of Pink but this one appeals to me for some reason ;o)

Pink Perfect

Made
a wrong turn

Once or twice

Dug my way out

Blood and fire

Bad decisions

That's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood

Miss "no way it's all good"

It didn't slow me down

Mistaken

Always second guessing

Underestimated

Look, I'm still around...


Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like your nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me


You're so mean

When you talk

About yourself

You are wrong

Change the voices

In your head

Make them like you

Instead

So complicated

Look how big you'll make it

Filled with so much hatred

Such a tired game

It's enough

I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons

See you same


Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like your nothing


You're fuckin' perfect to me

The world stares while I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in lying and I tried tried

But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere

They don't like my genes, they don't get my hair

Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that?

Why do I do that?

Why do I do that?


Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,

Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less then, fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fuckin' perfect, to me

You're perfect

You're perfect

Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less then, fucking
perfect

Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fucking
perfect to me

It's already happened