Lost

I’ve been in a really strange place today and it seemed to show up in my choice of music, you see I got stuck in Sarah McLachlan’s world. She just seems to be able to put so much emotion and meaning into a few simple lines of a song. I’ve listened to her songs at some of the saddest and also some of the happiest times of my life. One in particular that has always drawn me is the song “I will remember you”. I must have listened to it literally hundreds of times over the years and yet I don’t think I ever really heard it until today. One verse in particular jumped out and shouted at me today.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

The events of the last few weeks have left me totally exhausted both emotionally and physically. I’m not sleeping, I’m terrified of what the future holds, there is so much I want to say and yet I just can’t seem to find my words never mind use them .

But it’s time I try because this is all eating me alive.

So here it is and yes it’s all about me. I feel like a complete failure and yet I know none of what is happening is actually my fault. I feel completely and utterly worthless and yet I know I’m far from it. I feel like I’m drowning in darkness and yet all it took was a smile for me to find the light. I find myself needing things I don’t want and wanting things I definitely don’t need. I find myself craving people and yet wanting nothing more than to be alone and then when I am alone, wanting people again. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to laugh even though it’s been proven that I still can. I feel like I’m dying inside but I’ve never felt anything with the intensity that I am right now. I find myself missing things I’ve never had or wanted. I find myself fixating on things that give me a sense of control and yet most of them show just how little control I really have. I find myself clinging to these tiny seeds of hope even though I have this sense of utter hopelessness and no real reason to hope except that I’m too afraid to let hope go. I find myself putting on this brave, I don’t need anyone face while I’ve never needed someone more or felt weaker than I do right now. I’ve never needed to be held as much as I do right now and yet I’m shying away from just about all offers of comfort. I desperately want someone to care how I’m feeling and yet I can’t seem to force myself to open up and tell anyone how I’m feeling and all I really want is someone to care enough to tell me it’s all going to be all right even if it is a lie and the sad thing is I’m not sure anyone does or ever has. So there you have it the sad, pathetic story of the me who isn’t laughing, can’t seem to learn, doesn’t know why she loves and as for living well not quite. . . . .