So true

The greatest challenge in life is to find somebody who knows all your flaws, differences and mistakes and still loves everything about you.

The 2nd is accepting that they do. . . . .

Just a thought

Crazy

I eventually did get to sleep :) But that's not what this post is about. In fact I don't even know what this post is about yet I just have the inclination to write this morning so I guess this is going to be one of those that takes on a life of it's own.

I mentioned in my post last night that I did the four corners of Joburg yesterday. It really is amazing to watch this city and it's people sometimes and yesterday gave me ample opportunity to do just that. It also made me realise that even though I'm more of a ocean girl at heart I do love this city. The energy, the vibrancy, the way that even when the odds are against them it's people keep on keeping on. And yes that IS a reference to our diabolical roads. I mean what other "major" city in the world would effectively shut down half of it's major road network for what ever the heck it is they think they're doing and basically say to the public screw you without major consequences. It actually amuses me that we haven't had major consequences as yet looking at the reaction to the BRT and the other strikes of late. Many will say that is complacency and in some ways I agree. But you know what, the South African public have done what they always do when it gets royally screwed by whomever is in charge, they've just got on with the business of living life. They've adjusted their travel times and it's now even become a joke in some circles to see how long you can be out of the office "stuck in traffic". Just one more thing I love about this city it's ability to laugh at it's self.

Impossible

"In the age in which we live, the impossible is every day losing ground."

Anne-Sophie Swetchine

I need sleep

Yep, I'm utterly exhausted. I did the whole four corners of Joburg thing with my brother today and when we finally got home I was convinced I would have a bath, crawl into bed and go to sleep. But after lying in bed in the dark for what seems like hours I'm still awake, yes it's still relatively early but when you've been awake since 3am and haven't slept more than maybe 6 hours since Friday it really is time to sleep. I hate being this tired because it makes me needy and emotional. I haven't cried yet but the tears aren't far off and I need to be held but since thats not happening it just perpetuates the desire to cry, which of course leaves me needing to be held even more and so the circle goes, visciously. Time to find a really boring movie and bore myself to sleep me thinks. Gotta get some sleep before Wednesday;P

Aint that the truth

Just because

I LOVE WINNIE THE POOH

Peace

"Peace, like charity, begins at home."

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Difference vs Similarity

Ok so I was only going to post the previous post referencing Zeitgeist but I picked up on something, and it has been running around in my head.

Although not directly mentioned, it was inferred that the media is perpetuating the problems we already have by focusing on pointing out and vilifying our differences instead of celebrating our similarities. It is done so subtly that most of us probably have never and would never even notice it. But it’s definitely out there whether it takes the subtle form of the ideal of this height, this weight, this hair colour, this designer, this school being the socially accepted norm or the more in your face racism, religious intolerance, sexual stereo types and things of that ilk that are perpetuated.

This whole thing of your differences being unacceptable is something I can identify with on a personal level since I am by no stretch of the imagination the media’s ideal and never have been. Some of my most vivid memories are of incidents where I was picked on, teased and in some cases even shunned by my peers precisely because of those differences. Instead of dealing with the issues of growing up as a united front as children and later young adults we all (and yes I’m ashamed to say even I’ve done it on occasion) pick on those that appear in any way, shape or form different from what the prevailing media standard is at the time. There is little if no acceptance that we are all human and on the most basic levels the same, instead the things that make us different are the things that are concentrated on. And until we realise and accept that as humans we are all in search of and in need of the same things I guess the media are going to just keep feeding us this line of this is the norm and anything outside that is unacceptable.

Well I’m making the conscious decision to accept our differences and celebrate our similarities and in my own small way make a difference to the way people who are different are perceived.

So yes today I have learnt a lot about others, the media and myself, I have laughed at the absurdity of it all and I have loved those that do accept me just a little more but most of all I have actually lived. . . . . . .

The human condition

I spent last night watching a documentary called Zeitgeist. It was a rather brilliant deconstruction of several popular “Myths” ranging from Christianity to the whole 9-11 debacle and is well worth watching if you can get your hands on a copy. It’s the type of thing that inspires pages and pages of ranting and is full of factoids to keep an information junkie like me extremely happy and I will admit to having originally wanted to write one of those fact based rants that so many others do so much better than I ever could. So anyway after some thought I decided to leave the ranting to those I know who will do it justice (yes you know who you are) and to post just one quote from it that says SO much about the human condition.

Only when the POWER of LOVE overcomes the LOVE of POWER
will we know TRUE PEACE
Jimi Hendrix

Heart

Your heart is a place to draw true happiness.

Jokes aside

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. ‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been Trained to give blow jobs!’ ‘Blow jobs!’ the woman replied. ‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,’ he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true….no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained frogs’ ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! . The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. ‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked. The husband replied, ‘If I can teach this frog to cook…….you’re gone !!!!.’

Patterns

“If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you.”

Only I will remain

I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me, and through me. Where fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Happiness

Your heart is a place to draw true happiness.

Wisdom

The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person

who can do him absolutely no good.

-Ann Landers

Do SOMETHING! ! ! ! !

"What you don't do can be a destructive force."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Confidence

"Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings."
Samuel Johnson

Written last night

If you had seen me earlier tonight, you would no doubt have thought about having me committed. H3ll I even thought about it. There I was standing out on the balcony in the pouring rain, soaked to the bone, lightning, flashing all around me, the thunder God’s rumbling and instead of heading inside like any sane person, I just stood and laughed. I laughed like I haven’t laughed in the longest time, laughter bubbled up from the very core of me and it felt good. Cold, but good. I don’t know why but it felt as if the doom and gloom that has surrounded me for so long has finally lifted, it felt as if I’d finally rediscovered my joy and this time not in the tiny little stolen doses I’ve been getting but a huge whopper of a dose that makes everything ok. I don’t understand it and I’m sure as nuts not going to try and explain it. Instead I’m going to enjoy feeling like a complete me for as long as it lasts and keep on hoping that this time it’s for real ......... And now 'm going to be a girl and run me a bubble bath :) wanna join me???

How true

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."
Charles W. Eliot

NEVER in vain

"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain."
Emily Dickinson

Ok, ok

I know I've posted this before but I need all the help I can get remembering it at the moment

Ignorance

"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."
Benjamin Disraeli

Just a girl

I don't know what I want
So don't ask me 'cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking, trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do
I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Can you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh, yeah, but that's okay
I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission but I'm ready to fly
I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
Oh, I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world

I came across this the other night, I’m not sure where I got it but it sums up exactly where I am at the moment, just a girl trying to find my place in the world

I'm trying, honestly

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
Leo Tolstoi

Jumping to

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Imagination

"Works of imagination should be written in very plain language; the more purely imaginative they are the more necessary it is to be plain."
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Love

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H.L. Mencken

Just a cute pic

Hope

Lost

I’ve been in a really strange place today and it seemed to show up in my choice of music, you see I got stuck in Sarah McLachlan’s world. She just seems to be able to put so much emotion and meaning into a few simple lines of a song. I’ve listened to her songs at some of the saddest and also some of the happiest times of my life. One in particular that has always drawn me is the song “I will remember you”. I must have listened to it literally hundreds of times over the years and yet I don’t think I ever really heard it until today. One verse in particular jumped out and shouted at me today.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

The events of the last few weeks have left me totally exhausted both emotionally and physically. I’m not sleeping, I’m terrified of what the future holds, there is so much I want to say and yet I just can’t seem to find my words never mind use them .

But it’s time I try because this is all eating me alive.

So here it is and yes it’s all about me. I feel like a complete failure and yet I know none of what is happening is actually my fault. I feel completely and utterly worthless and yet I know I’m far from it. I feel like I’m drowning in darkness and yet all it took was a smile for me to find the light. I find myself needing things I don’t want and wanting things I definitely don’t need. I find myself craving people and yet wanting nothing more than to be alone and then when I am alone, wanting people again. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to laugh even though it’s been proven that I still can. I feel like I’m dying inside but I’ve never felt anything with the intensity that I am right now. I find myself missing things I’ve never had or wanted. I find myself fixating on things that give me a sense of control and yet most of them show just how little control I really have. I find myself clinging to these tiny seeds of hope even though I have this sense of utter hopelessness and no real reason to hope except that I’m too afraid to let hope go. I find myself putting on this brave, I don’t need anyone face while I’ve never needed someone more or felt weaker than I do right now. I’ve never needed to be held as much as I do right now and yet I’m shying away from just about all offers of comfort. I desperately want someone to care how I’m feeling and yet I can’t seem to force myself to open up and tell anyone how I’m feeling and all I really want is someone to care enough to tell me it’s all going to be all right even if it is a lie and the sad thing is I’m not sure anyone does or ever has. So there you have it the sad, pathetic story of the me who isn’t laughing, can’t seem to learn, doesn’t know why she loves and as for living well not quite. . . . .

Life

"To discover in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business, for it means that once we know we must seek it. It also means that without it life will be valueless."
Marsha Sinetar

Friends

Friends

Peace :)

This spoke to my need for peace today.....................

Just for you ;)

Enthusiasm and Me

"There is a real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment."
Norman Vincent Peale

Biegin the win

"You will never win if you never begin."
Robert H. Schuller

Laughter

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

And then people wonder why I laugh at the wrong time :)

Love

Happiness is. . . . .

"True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self, and in the next from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions."
Joseph Addison

2nd wind

"You have enormous untapped power that you will probably never tap, because most people never run far enough on their first wind to ever find they have a second."
William James

Friendship

With all thats going on in my life, I've come to realise that friends really are all important. Yes some more than others but never the less they are all important. . . . .

Freedom

"Laws alone cannot secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population."
Albert Einstein

Now if we could just get this here maybe we could move forward as a country :)

Imagination

"Live out of your imagination, not your history."
Stephen Covey

Yes, love

Love asks me no questions, and gives me endless support.

Shakespeare

New beginings

2 Worlds

"There are two worlds; the world that we can measure with line and rule, and the world that we feel with our hearts and imagination."
Leigh Hunt

No Fear

"No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."

Edmund Burke

Wants, Needs, oh h3ll now what

For the longest time now I’ve wanted to spend some time with someone, but our lives have interfered and gotten complicated and I get it and it doesn’t worry me, I can deal with the wanting, it is after all part of the deal. What I have however suddenly had in the last week is an intense need to be with him that though was never part of the deal and is what I’m having trouble dealing with.
A want I’ve always been able to get round, it’s like wanting chocolate or coffee or anything else for that matter I can usually distract myself and I find something else that I may not want as much but hey presto problem solved. This needing thing however has me stumped because I know when I need sugar there is no way to get round it, I have to have sugar or face the consequences (ok so I have low blood sugar and maybe that’s not the best example) but I just haven’t been able to find a way to distract myself, I haven’t been able to find that hey presto either and trust me I’ve tried.
So why the change from a want (desire, hankering, fancy according to Oxford) to a need (necessity, demand, urgency also Oxford), who knows maybe it’s everything that had happened in the last week in my life, maybe it’s that I need to be wanted by someone, anyone (ok not really anyone), maybe it goes back to me and my feelings of inadequacy and a need to feel good enough for someone or something although I sincerely hope that’s not it. Or maybe it’s just that I need to feel and instead of trying to hide from my feelings, maybe it’s that I want to feel all the things he makes me feel when we spend time together, maybe it’s that I want to laugh and forget for a few minutes, maybe it’s that I want to feel alive inside and feel like me again and maybe it’s just that I want more than anything to see him smile because when he does anything and everything seems possible. Or maybe it’s as simple as I miss him, who knows. If you figure it out though please let me know

Letting go of some of my dirt

"We can't fly till we let go of the dirt" unknown

I got this in a mail this morning and it said so much to me and made me feel like I have something to say . I don’t actually know what I want to say but there is something that wants out and for once I’m not going to over think and worry about consequences and all that other mundane life stuff, I’m just going to let the words do what they have to and hopefully when it’s done it will all make sense to someone if not to me.

Last night I did something that I’ve been doing for a while now, I sent a mail to someone just to say goodnight and let him know I was thinking about him. Yep another of those silly girl things I do but since we don’t get to see much of each other I guess it’s just my silly way of feeling connected. This email of course turned into something else, I ended up revealing a lot more than I intended and saying things that perhaps I shouldn’t have but at this point in time he’s the only person I feel I can let see that side of me without fear of judgement or least I hope so anyway.

After I sent the mail, I started to think about something I had said in it about missing my dad for the first time in 4 years and that started to bug me since my dad and I had a really bad relationship and had only just started tolerating each other when he died and I realised something. A lot of what I’m feeling at the moment, the sense of failure, the sense of not been good enough, the inadequacy that all stems back to my relationship with my dad. I guess I should elaborate though. My dad was 9 years older than my mom so by the time they got hitched (yes they may have been married but it was never what a marriage should be) he had travelled the world as a merchant seaman and I guess he settled because some of my most vivid memories of him are stories about another woman, the girl that got away. Which of course in my child's mind somehow equated to my mom not being good enough but that wasn’t where I was going with this. For as long as I can remember my dad would comment on how he should never have had kids (yes I know most parents say that at some stage when their kids are momentarily out of control but he meant it). I have all these memories of asking him to come to sports events (hard to believe today but yes), to school functions, hell even to our own birthday parties, but there was always someone or something more important even work took a higher priority than we ever did. I can remember growing up trying to excel at everything I did hoping that he would at some point acknowledge that I existed but he never did and eventually I stopped trying. I was content to go unnoticed until I got involved with someone I shouldn’t have but who showed me that I could be accepted and that someone could be proud of me and could love me even if it was wrong and so began another battle for my fathers acceptance and love, around this time I decided I wanted to teach and being the first member of the family to have made it almost all the way through high school at the time I thought perhaps foolishly that I may have finally found a way to make him proud of me. But again I was wrong his reaction to my grand announcement that I was going to be a teacher and I quote (yes the words still haunt me today) “you’re to damn soft and couldnt be trusted to teach anyones kids anything useful” That crushed me and I finished matric the next year not knowing what I wanted to do since I wasn’t good enough to be a teacher. It took me a while but I managed to find direction and with my love of cooking and catering I with the help of some friends managed to get myself enrolled in an in house catering and management programme with a big catering company. I was finally going somewhere, being under age though I just needed a signature and I was ready to take on the world. Needless to say instead of the signature I got another statement that haunts me till today “ I’ve told you before you’re to soft and anyway catering is a mans career and you’re no man and should know where your place is” It was never said but the implication was there a woman's place was at home. Thats when my rebellion finally kicked in and I went off and got myself a job in Jhb, away from everyone and everything I knew but was starting to hate. It wasn’t long though before I was home because my dad was sick and someone had to look after him now that my mom had finally been allowed to go back out to work. Then he went on early pension and we relocated and my life finally started comming together. I got a job I loved, a place of my own, a man I thought loved me and Chris and for awhile everything seemed good, then Peter started his shit and instread of support all I got from my dad was, what did you do to make him do it? Eventually with Chris’s help I got away from Peter but of course that was wrong to, Chris would never be accepted or good enough, he was to young, he was afrikaans and a pilot. The funny thing is my relationship with Chris as dysfunctional as it was, was probably the healthiest relationship I had had and things seemed to be going well till my dad got sick again and I was summoned to Jhb to help look after him because my mom couldn’t do it all alone. So I was at it again trying to gain my dads approval by leaving everything I loved behind to be there for them and in the process managed to lose what was left of myself. Anyway it went on like that for a few more years and then my dad died and I thought I was finally free of all this, I finally started to find myself recently and I was growing and finally becoming me. The me I want to be, the me I can be, the me who is good enough, the me who knows what she wants and where she is going. And then my life got pulled out from under me again and there he was last night in the back of my head even after 4 years telling me I’m not good enough, I’m inadequate, I’m a failure.

But you know something I’m not any of those things, It’s time to put this to rest and for once and for all . I may be experiencing a temporary bump in the road but I will recover and I will get back on track and I will be the person I’m supposed to be. And as much as I should say sorry for last nights email I wont instead I’m going to say thank you, yes it sounds crazy but if I hadn’t felt I could pour out my soul and what was eating me alive I wouldn’t have realised that it’s time to let go of my dad and the way he treated me and embrace the me I know is inside and dying to get out and prove for once and for all that I am good enough..............

Happy Spring Day

Here's hoping it's a new beginning for all of us and that it brings nothing but light, laughter and love