Restlessness............

For months now I've been trying to figure out why I'm so restless and haven't been able to.



I thought it could have to do with all the changes I've been making in my life or maybe all the new things I'm experiencing, because the more changes I made and new things I experienced the more restless I've been getting. In fact it got so bad that about 2 weeks ago I was ready to climb the walls and could see myself doing something extremely risky and stupid because I just couldn't define the restlessness or need in me.



And then it all changed, I was still making changes and experiencing new things but the restlessness was gone, the need that I couldn't define was gone, suddenly I was at peace. I seemed to finally be where I needed to be and I thought that was the end of it.



But by Saturday afternoon the restlessness was back, the need was taking over again and I was ready to freak out totally. I didn't understand it nothing was different that I could put my finger on but it was all back and actually worse then it had been before and it had started to scare me or at least my lack of understanding of what was going on had.



Sunday evening it started to improve and I was feeling more peaceful again. By the time I got home from work last night I was back to being peaceful and content (well as peaceful and content as someone who had had a nightmarish day could be). The only thing that was different from the weekend and all it's restlessness was that I was ALONE........ My brother had been home for the weekend along with his girlfriend and her baby and as much as I enjoyed the company, the longer they where there the worse the restlessness got.



I sat thinking about this last night while I waited for a friend to arrive. And the realisation struck me. I need my space, I need my freedom in short I need to be ALONE.



Yes it sounds selfish and probably is but anyone who knows me also knows just how controlled I have been till now by almost everyone including my brother. It's taken me a long time and a lot of growing to come to the point where I am now, where I am finally taking control of my life and am able to be who I am meant to be. And that is exactly the problem, when I'm alone I'm the me who is in control, the me who is confident, capable and worthy and who certain people have seen potential in and I'm the person who is able to play to that potential and who is growing into that potential but as soon as my brother is around I revert to that person who has no control, who is controlled and who feels worthless.

And then the restlessness begins again. . . . .

Alone I'm not restless because I know who and what I am . . . . . . when he is around I'm controlled and the new me is fighting that with everything she has



So here comes my biggest fight ...........to be ALONE! ! ! ! !