Hiding......... time to come clean

Yep, I've spent the last week hiding so much from so many that I've even started to believe myself, but maybe it's time to come clean even if it's only here where I'm pretty sure nobody who knows me will ever read my confessions

It started last week when my ulcer started giving me hassles, it was so bad this time that I felt at times that I wanted to die but do I say anything?? No of course not.... I paste on my smile, kick my personality up a gear and everyone falls for it....I'm fine is all I say when asked how I am, if I repeat it often enough I may even start to believe it myself...... At this I failed miserably by the way, ended up in hospital on a drip but rather than stay there and recuperate, I discharge myself and am back at work the next day, that way no one knows and I just keep on hiding ......... what they don't know they can't worry about, not that any of them would anyway.

I spent time with someone (the only someone who seemed to notice I was suffering) over the weekend that I was convinced I was over, turns out I've been doing what I'm best at, I've been hiding things from myself......yep I'm about as over him as I would be a hole in my head which has just reinforced my guilt feelings because as much as I do "love" (yes I use the word very loosely here ) him, there is no spark, there is no electricity, nothing. Why the guilt you ask. The guilt is from the simple fact that almost all the spark belongs to someone else, a someone I admit to caring about (finally something I'm not hiding) but shouldn't.

Then of course there the other things about myself I'm hiding from just about everyone. Yes there are a couple of people aware of what I'm hiding but thats only because they are part of what I'm hiding. This is causing me more guilt because I hate keeping secrets..........but these are secrets that need to be kept to protect others as much as myself.

This naturally means I can't come clean to the extent that I want to which leaves me still hiding things, still lying to those I care about and still pretnding that everything is fine, when in fact it is so far from fine it's scary.