I've spent a lot of time in the last few days dealing with an issue that I had thought was dead and buried. It came back and bit me really hard late last week, unfortunately it had me lashing out at the very people who I should most likely have turned to, the people who would have listened and understood. It's not an issue I'm comfortable discussing openly and it's also an issue that can never really be fixed and it has sadly not only caused some of my issues but contributed to making some of them worse than they ever should have been. Maybe sharing all those years ago would have made it easier to deal with, if only I had been brave and not hidden it away so deep down inside. I saw the video to the new Nickleback single for the first time this weekend, boy did it hit home, turns out I was dealing with a very simlar issue except that at the time I had nobody to come for me.........makes me wish there had been someone who would have come for me though.... maybe I would be dealing a little better than I am right now.
I would come for you
Just one more moment
That's all that's needed
Like wounded soldiers
In need of healing
Time to be honest
This time I'm pleading
Please don't dwell on it
Cause I didn't mean it
I can't believe I said
I'd lay our love on the ground
But it doesn't matter
Cause I made it up
Forgive me now
Every day I spend away
My soul's inside out
Gotta be someway that I can
Make it up to you now
Somehow
By now you'd know that
I'd Come For You
No one but you
Yes i'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for youI
'd lie it's true
Give my life for you
You know i would come for you
I was blindfolded
But now I'm seeing
My mind was closing
Now I'm believing
I finally know just what it means
To let someone in
Just see the side of me
That no one does or ever will
So if you're ever lost
And find yourself all alone
I'll search forever just to
Just to bring you home
Here and now this I vow
By now you'd know that
I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for you
I'd lie it's true
Give my life for you
You know i would come for you
You know i would come for you
No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what remember
You know i would come for you
Yes I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for you
I'd lie it's true
Give my life for you
You know i would come for you
No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what remember
You know i would come for you
I'd crawl across this world for you
Do anything you want me to
No matter what remember
You know I would come for you
No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what remember
You know i would come for you
You know i would come for you
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Alone
Why is it on a day that should be a really good day, a day on which I'm getting just about everything I've wanted, I suddenly feel like I've never been so alone? ? ? That there really is no one who would care if I disapeared. . . . . . .
Just a thought
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war that we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living. Omar N. Bradley
Saw this on a program on Prof Phillip Tobias last night and it struck me as very true......we really dont have a clue us humans
Saw this on a program on Prof Phillip Tobias last night and it struck me as very true......we really dont have a clue us humans
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Lyrics
Yep been in the Cd's again and this one just says so much about where I am right now
Welcome To Wherever You Are
Maybe we're different,
but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden,
running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see.
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning,
is some beginning's end
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, i
n a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost,
alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
Be who you want to,
be who you are
Everyones a hero,
everyones a star
When you wanna give up,
and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect,
God makes no mistakes
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
Welcome To Wherever You Are
Maybe we're different,
but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden,
running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see.
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning,
is some beginning's end
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, i
n a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost,
alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
Be who you want to,
be who you are
Everyones a hero,
everyones a star
When you wanna give up,
and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect,
God makes no mistakes
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now,
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Restlessness............
For months now I've been trying to figure out why I'm so restless and haven't been able to.
I thought it could have to do with all the changes I've been making in my life or maybe all the new things I'm experiencing, because the more changes I made and new things I experienced the more restless I've been getting. In fact it got so bad that about 2 weeks ago I was ready to climb the walls and could see myself doing something extremely risky and stupid because I just couldn't define the restlessness or need in me.
And then it all changed, I was still making changes and experiencing new things but the restlessness was gone, the need that I couldn't define was gone, suddenly I was at peace. I seemed to finally be where I needed to be and I thought that was the end of it.
But by Saturday afternoon the restlessness was back, the need was taking over again and I was ready to freak out totally. I didn't understand it nothing was different that I could put my finger on but it was all back and actually worse then it had been before and it had started to scare me or at least my lack of understanding of what was going on had.
Sunday evening it started to improve and I was feeling more peaceful again. By the time I got home from work last night I was back to being peaceful and content (well as peaceful and content as someone who had had a nightmarish day could be). The only thing that was different from the weekend and all it's restlessness was that I was ALONE........ My brother had been home for the weekend along with his girlfriend and her baby and as much as I enjoyed the company, the longer they where there the worse the restlessness got.
I sat thinking about this last night while I waited for a friend to arrive. And the realisation struck me. I need my space, I need my freedom in short I need to be ALONE.
Yes it sounds selfish and probably is but anyone who knows me also knows just how controlled I have been till now by almost everyone including my brother. It's taken me a long time and a lot of growing to come to the point where I am now, where I am finally taking control of my life and am able to be who I am meant to be. And that is exactly the problem, when I'm alone I'm the me who is in control, the me who is confident, capable and worthy and who certain people have seen potential in and I'm the person who is able to play to that potential and who is growing into that potential but as soon as my brother is around I revert to that person who has no control, who is controlled and who feels worthless.
And then the restlessness begins again. . . . .
Alone I'm not restless because I know who and what I am . . . . . . when he is around I'm controlled and the new me is fighting that with everything she has
So here comes my biggest fight ...........to be ALONE! ! ! ! !
I thought it could have to do with all the changes I've been making in my life or maybe all the new things I'm experiencing, because the more changes I made and new things I experienced the more restless I've been getting. In fact it got so bad that about 2 weeks ago I was ready to climb the walls and could see myself doing something extremely risky and stupid because I just couldn't define the restlessness or need in me.
And then it all changed, I was still making changes and experiencing new things but the restlessness was gone, the need that I couldn't define was gone, suddenly I was at peace. I seemed to finally be where I needed to be and I thought that was the end of it.
But by Saturday afternoon the restlessness was back, the need was taking over again and I was ready to freak out totally. I didn't understand it nothing was different that I could put my finger on but it was all back and actually worse then it had been before and it had started to scare me or at least my lack of understanding of what was going on had.
Sunday evening it started to improve and I was feeling more peaceful again. By the time I got home from work last night I was back to being peaceful and content (well as peaceful and content as someone who had had a nightmarish day could be). The only thing that was different from the weekend and all it's restlessness was that I was ALONE........ My brother had been home for the weekend along with his girlfriend and her baby and as much as I enjoyed the company, the longer they where there the worse the restlessness got.
I sat thinking about this last night while I waited for a friend to arrive. And the realisation struck me. I need my space, I need my freedom in short I need to be ALONE.
Yes it sounds selfish and probably is but anyone who knows me also knows just how controlled I have been till now by almost everyone including my brother. It's taken me a long time and a lot of growing to come to the point where I am now, where I am finally taking control of my life and am able to be who I am meant to be. And that is exactly the problem, when I'm alone I'm the me who is in control, the me who is confident, capable and worthy and who certain people have seen potential in and I'm the person who is able to play to that potential and who is growing into that potential but as soon as my brother is around I revert to that person who has no control, who is controlled and who feels worthless.
And then the restlessness begins again. . . . .
Alone I'm not restless because I know who and what I am . . . . . . when he is around I'm controlled and the new me is fighting that with everything she has
So here comes my biggest fight ...........to be ALONE! ! ! ! !
Blah, Blah
Gemini Horoscope for March 24, 2009
There is a strong attraction between you and someone at the moment but you're definitely holding back. Don't think about it, you must act upon these impulses or the person you wish to develop a relationship with may assume your aloof attitude is a form of dismissal. Speak up or forever hold your peace. This is a very good time to let people know you care about them: send a card, write or email a note of appreciation or even a love letter! You are very congenial and cooperative now and more interested in the similarities than in the differences between yourself and those special others in your life
I don't usually hold much stock in horoscopes even though I do read them more for the giggle factor than anything else, this as you will see is actually yesterdays and I only read it this morning. Turns out though that for once it was quite accurate. . . . . . . maybe I should pay more attention in future. . . ok I most likely wont but will still read them for a giggle
There is a strong attraction between you and someone at the moment but you're definitely holding back. Don't think about it, you must act upon these impulses or the person you wish to develop a relationship with may assume your aloof attitude is a form of dismissal. Speak up or forever hold your peace. This is a very good time to let people know you care about them: send a card, write or email a note of appreciation or even a love letter! You are very congenial and cooperative now and more interested in the similarities than in the differences between yourself and those special others in your life
I don't usually hold much stock in horoscopes even though I do read them more for the giggle factor than anything else, this as you will see is actually yesterdays and I only read it this morning. Turns out though that for once it was quite accurate. . . . . . . maybe I should pay more attention in future. . . ok I most likely wont but will still read them for a giggle
Monday, March 23, 2009
*shakes head*
ok, before certain of my friends that have read my previous post really freak out and lose it completely, because I have the audacity to post about the new man in my life here before telling them about him let me explain.....he is a year old and my brother's girlfriends little boy. He spent the weekend with his mommy at our place this weekend and he is one of very few "men" that have yet to disapoint me.............
Men + Expectations = Disapointment .........or maybe not
I've had one of those weekends.........yep those where you go from loving something or someone to hating them in a matter of moments and for no good reason really.
Ok long story short, men + expectation = disapointment or so I thought.
Yes, I have a new man in my life and far from disapointing me at every turn as almost every single one of them have in the past, he is turning out to be a huge surprise in more ways than one and I'm loving it. Now if I can just get used to things actually going well for a change.........that would be a turn out for the books
On a slightly different note I was listening to Kelly Clarkson over the weekend and realised that the words to this one are actually not so much a negative commentry on relationships as a commentary on learning from others mistakes which I finally seem to be doing ..........
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Ok long story short, men + expectation = disapointment or so I thought.
Yes, I have a new man in my life and far from disapointing me at every turn as almost every single one of them have in the past, he is turning out to be a huge surprise in more ways than one and I'm loving it. Now if I can just get used to things actually going well for a change.........that would be a turn out for the books
On a slightly different note I was listening to Kelly Clarkson over the weekend and realised that the words to this one are actually not so much a negative commentry on relationships as a commentary on learning from others mistakes which I finally seem to be doing ..........
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wow, HELL YES and all that good stuff
Ok so I've just had a really strange thought.......
We've all heard the saying "bad luck comes in 3's".
Well here is what I was wondering does that also count for mind blowing, Wow and HELL YES? ? ? ?
Yes just a silly thing that I hope to heck holds true although if it doesn't 2 out of 3 certainly ain't bad.. .. .. .. .. holding thunbs that it turns out to be 3 out of 3 though
We've all heard the saying "bad luck comes in 3's".
Well here is what I was wondering does that also count for mind blowing, Wow and HELL YES? ? ? ?
Yes just a silly thing that I hope to heck holds true although if it doesn't 2 out of 3 certainly ain't bad.. .. .. .. .. holding thunbs that it turns out to be 3 out of 3 though
Yep,
Even Bryan Adams has his moments
Open Road
I'm sitting at the wheel -
I got a green light,
I'm not afraid of nothing,
'cause heart and soul I'm built for life.
So let the engines roar -
Push the pedal down,
I want the white lines on my highway,
To lead me out of town.
I'm rolling on and on and on -
Who knows where I'm goin'
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me.
I got headlights -
To guide me through the night,
I got the window down
and the radio playing,
It makes me feel alive.
I'm rolling on and on and on -
Who knows where I'm goin'.
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me,
Yeah life's an open road.
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me,
Yeah life's an open road -
oh yeah.
Yeah I'm built for life,
Life is an open road to me.
Open Road
I'm sitting at the wheel -
I got a green light,
I'm not afraid of nothing,
'cause heart and soul I'm built for life.
So let the engines roar -
Push the pedal down,
I want the white lines on my highway,
To lead me out of town.
I'm rolling on and on and on -
Who knows where I'm goin'
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me.
I got headlights -
To guide me through the night,
I got the window down
and the radio playing,
It makes me feel alive.
I'm rolling on and on and on -
Who knows where I'm goin'.
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me,
Yeah life's an open road.
Life is an open road,
It's the best story never told,
It's an endless sky,
it's the deepest sea,
Life is an open road to me,
Life is an open road to me,
Yeah life's an open road -
oh yeah.
Yeah I'm built for life,
Life is an open road to me.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Back into the boxes
Being alone the last few days has given me some time to do things that I never seem to get the time to do anymore. (Yep having my brother around really does feel like a full time job sometimes)
Now of course me being me, whats the first thing I do?
I haul out my box of old tapes and cd's. Even I will admit there are some really dodgy ones that I wonder about and doubt I was thinking when I bought them, but they're there so they get a listen, some have been kept for that one song that brings back memories and others....well lets just say they have met the bottom of a dustbin and that my sanity was definetly in question at the time of purchase.
BUT then there are those that I wonder why I ever stopped listening to......and here comes the embarassing admission....yes I was and still am an Aha fan and yes I wonder why I stopped listening to them.....ok now I'm being made fun of by certain people ......yes you know who you are......
Well anyway last night I happened to pull a couple of their albums out of said box and after listening to a couple of the songs it got me thinking and I'm not about to claim that they are masters or anywhere near the league of some of the other bands I love, but what it did do was get me wondering what happened to good ole, feel good songs where every second word isn't a profanity or condoning the beating of woman and the shooting of this one or that one etc.
Which of course gave me a start and made me wonder when I turned into my mother..... I seem to remember having heard the same sort of questioning from her many moons ago when she would freak out over my trading Aha for bands like Black Sabbath, Metallica and the likes. And that of course struck me as insanely funny, because she would quite cheerfully tell us about how her mother would freak out totally about the fact that she and her siblings would listen to Elvis, The Rolling Stones and The Beatles.
My conclusion??? It's totally generational and I look forward to sitting back and watching todays youth freak out when their children do what we have all done and find themselves some new musical way of expressing themselves. Who knows maybe we can look forward to something that may be worth us listening to and if not I'm sure the future youth will think it is regarless of what we think anyway. And yes it makes me very glad none of that future youth is mine.
And in the meantime here are the words to a song that just tugged at the memory cords last night and brought back some pleasant memories about a happier more carefree time when everything seemed possible.
Crying in the rain
I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
If I wait for stormy skies
You won't know the rain from
the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you so
Only the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from heaven
Could never take away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears
I hope you'll never see
Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears
I hope you'll never see
Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile
and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Now of course me being me, whats the first thing I do?
I haul out my box of old tapes and cd's. Even I will admit there are some really dodgy ones that I wonder about and doubt I was thinking when I bought them, but they're there so they get a listen, some have been kept for that one song that brings back memories and others....well lets just say they have met the bottom of a dustbin and that my sanity was definetly in question at the time of purchase.
BUT then there are those that I wonder why I ever stopped listening to......and here comes the embarassing admission....yes I was and still am an Aha fan and yes I wonder why I stopped listening to them.....ok now I'm being made fun of by certain people ......yes you know who you are......
Well anyway last night I happened to pull a couple of their albums out of said box and after listening to a couple of the songs it got me thinking and I'm not about to claim that they are masters or anywhere near the league of some of the other bands I love, but what it did do was get me wondering what happened to good ole, feel good songs where every second word isn't a profanity or condoning the beating of woman and the shooting of this one or that one etc.
Which of course gave me a start and made me wonder when I turned into my mother..... I seem to remember having heard the same sort of questioning from her many moons ago when she would freak out over my trading Aha for bands like Black Sabbath, Metallica and the likes. And that of course struck me as insanely funny, because she would quite cheerfully tell us about how her mother would freak out totally about the fact that she and her siblings would listen to Elvis, The Rolling Stones and The Beatles.
My conclusion??? It's totally generational and I look forward to sitting back and watching todays youth freak out when their children do what we have all done and find themselves some new musical way of expressing themselves. Who knows maybe we can look forward to something that may be worth us listening to and if not I'm sure the future youth will think it is regarless of what we think anyway. And yes it makes me very glad none of that future youth is mine.
And in the meantime here are the words to a song that just tugged at the memory cords last night and brought back some pleasant memories about a happier more carefree time when everything seemed possible.
Crying in the rain
I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
If I wait for stormy skies
You won't know the rain from
the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you so
Only the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from heaven
Could never take away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears
I hope you'll never see
Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears
I hope you'll never see
Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile
and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling,
you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
More lyrics
For no other reason but that I can and I know the feeling and I just feel like it
How could this happen to me
Simple Plan
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
by the white light.
I can't remember it how
I can't remember it why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't STAND the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't STAND the pain
*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when Nothing mattered
And I can't explain
What happened and
I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
How could this happen to me
Simple Plan
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
by the white light.
I can't remember it how
I can't remember it why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't STAND the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't STAND the pain
*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when Nothing mattered
And I can't explain
What happened and
I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on
as I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Friday, March 13, 2009
??????
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something so badly but also known that as soon as you say the words everything between you will change, that nothing can or will ever be the same between you again???
I feel that way at the moment and worse than that not with one but rather three different people. And then I wonder why I feel like I’m losing my grip. Well I’ve decided to tighten my grip and say what I want to here knowing full well that not one of these people know about this blog or is ever likely to read it. I know that it pretty much defeat’s the purpose but maybe if I get it all out I’ll be able to deal and move forward.
Firstly to my brother, for heaven’s sake grow up. I am not here to clean up after you, I am not here to cook and clean for you and I am not here to bow to your every whim and demand. Don’t you get it I’m your sister NOT your mother, your wife or your maid. I have a life of my own and am entitled to just as much if not more freedom as you are. Our lives are a two way street and it’s time you start to give a little of what you take. I have looked after you for so long I’d forgotten myself well no more, it’s my turn from here on out you pull your weight or you get the hell out. I am not carrying the load alone a minute longer.
To the man I love, yes what a fool I’ve been I know but after nearly 9 years it’s time to let you go. I finally get it. I may feel it and may have wanted it, everyone else may see it but you never will, you’re so damn oblivious, you don’t even see that you’re losing the one thing you claim to be looking for and it’s been under your nose all along. I’m finished I can’t do it anymore, I can’t wait for you to realise what you have. I wont waste another moment trying to read what you say to me or the way you react to the threat of there being other men in my life. Yes we’ve all seen that as well and I’m walking away. I may lose one of my best friends but to bad I’m not letting you hold me back and stop me becoming who I am becoming just because you are to blind to see what you’ve had all along
To my boss, stop being such a bloody control freak, I know my job, I’m capable of doing it without you holding my hand and checking up on me every five minutes. So either trust me to do what you appointed me to do or tell me to go. Your micro managing every second of my time is not funny and it isn’t going to inspire me or make me work any harder quite the contrary actually. Rather take a look at your other staff who aren’t bringing in sales even though that was what they where appointed to do and get paid for and leave me the hell alone to do what I’m doing, it’s making you money and keeping your bills paid. And for the last time what I do after hours has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and as such who I spend my time with and what their beliefs etc are has less than zero to do with you. And just so there is no misunderstanding it you will NEVER meet any of them no matter what their intentions.
So go ahead call me selfish, self centred, self absorbed and all the other things you want to call me. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before and wont hear them again from you and others. Go ahead tell me again how I never give, the only reason I don’t is because there is nothing left to give, you lot have already taken it all. It may hurt but guess what it’s only going to make me more determined to make the changes and become who I’m working on becoming. Like it or not it’s my turn now and it’s time I look out for me and if that means losing you to bad, I may not want to live without you but I will learn to if I have to.
And lastly to the one person who gets me, yes you know who you are. I just want to say that I would willingly trade the lifetime of what I’ve had with these others, for the time we have spent chatting. Never mind anything else and I hope that someday I’ll be able to be there for you the way you have been there for me. In fact I look forward to being able to give to you the way you have given to me. Thank you.
So from here on out I’m going to live my life by my rules, love those I love and hopefully learn the lessons I’m supposed to without to many repeats and if I have my way there will be a lot more laughter then there has been till now.
I feel that way at the moment and worse than that not with one but rather three different people. And then I wonder why I feel like I’m losing my grip. Well I’ve decided to tighten my grip and say what I want to here knowing full well that not one of these people know about this blog or is ever likely to read it. I know that it pretty much defeat’s the purpose but maybe if I get it all out I’ll be able to deal and move forward.
Firstly to my brother, for heaven’s sake grow up. I am not here to clean up after you, I am not here to cook and clean for you and I am not here to bow to your every whim and demand. Don’t you get it I’m your sister NOT your mother, your wife or your maid. I have a life of my own and am entitled to just as much if not more freedom as you are. Our lives are a two way street and it’s time you start to give a little of what you take. I have looked after you for so long I’d forgotten myself well no more, it’s my turn from here on out you pull your weight or you get the hell out. I am not carrying the load alone a minute longer.
To the man I love, yes what a fool I’ve been I know but after nearly 9 years it’s time to let you go. I finally get it. I may feel it and may have wanted it, everyone else may see it but you never will, you’re so damn oblivious, you don’t even see that you’re losing the one thing you claim to be looking for and it’s been under your nose all along. I’m finished I can’t do it anymore, I can’t wait for you to realise what you have. I wont waste another moment trying to read what you say to me or the way you react to the threat of there being other men in my life. Yes we’ve all seen that as well and I’m walking away. I may lose one of my best friends but to bad I’m not letting you hold me back and stop me becoming who I am becoming just because you are to blind to see what you’ve had all along
To my boss, stop being such a bloody control freak, I know my job, I’m capable of doing it without you holding my hand and checking up on me every five minutes. So either trust me to do what you appointed me to do or tell me to go. Your micro managing every second of my time is not funny and it isn’t going to inspire me or make me work any harder quite the contrary actually. Rather take a look at your other staff who aren’t bringing in sales even though that was what they where appointed to do and get paid for and leave me the hell alone to do what I’m doing, it’s making you money and keeping your bills paid. And for the last time what I do after hours has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and as such who I spend my time with and what their beliefs etc are has less than zero to do with you. And just so there is no misunderstanding it you will NEVER meet any of them no matter what their intentions.
So go ahead call me selfish, self centred, self absorbed and all the other things you want to call me. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before and wont hear them again from you and others. Go ahead tell me again how I never give, the only reason I don’t is because there is nothing left to give, you lot have already taken it all. It may hurt but guess what it’s only going to make me more determined to make the changes and become who I’m working on becoming. Like it or not it’s my turn now and it’s time I look out for me and if that means losing you to bad, I may not want to live without you but I will learn to if I have to.
And lastly to the one person who gets me, yes you know who you are. I just want to say that I would willingly trade the lifetime of what I’ve had with these others, for the time we have spent chatting. Never mind anything else and I hope that someday I’ll be able to be there for you the way you have been there for me. In fact I look forward to being able to give to you the way you have given to me. Thank you.
So from here on out I’m going to live my life by my rules, love those I love and hopefully learn the lessons I’m supposed to without to many repeats and if I have my way there will be a lot more laughter then there has been till now.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Hiding......... time to come clean
Yep, I've spent the last week hiding so much from so many that I've even started to believe myself, but maybe it's time to come clean even if it's only here where I'm pretty sure nobody who knows me will ever read my confessions
It started last week when my ulcer started giving me hassles, it was so bad this time that I felt at times that I wanted to die but do I say anything?? No of course not.... I paste on my smile, kick my personality up a gear and everyone falls for it....I'm fine is all I say when asked how I am, if I repeat it often enough I may even start to believe it myself...... At this I failed miserably by the way, ended up in hospital on a drip but rather than stay there and recuperate, I discharge myself and am back at work the next day, that way no one knows and I just keep on hiding ......... what they don't know they can't worry about, not that any of them would anyway.
I spent time with someone (the only someone who seemed to notice I was suffering) over the weekend that I was convinced I was over, turns out I've been doing what I'm best at, I've been hiding things from myself......yep I'm about as over him as I would be a hole in my head which has just reinforced my guilt feelings because as much as I do "love" (yes I use the word very loosely here ) him, there is no spark, there is no electricity, nothing. Why the guilt you ask. The guilt is from the simple fact that almost all the spark belongs to someone else, a someone I admit to caring about (finally something I'm not hiding) but shouldn't.
Then of course there the other things about myself I'm hiding from just about everyone. Yes there are a couple of people aware of what I'm hiding but thats only because they are part of what I'm hiding. This is causing me more guilt because I hate keeping secrets..........but these are secrets that need to be kept to protect others as much as myself.
This naturally means I can't come clean to the extent that I want to which leaves me still hiding things, still lying to those I care about and still pretnding that everything is fine, when in fact it is so far from fine it's scary.
It started last week when my ulcer started giving me hassles, it was so bad this time that I felt at times that I wanted to die but do I say anything?? No of course not.... I paste on my smile, kick my personality up a gear and everyone falls for it....I'm fine is all I say when asked how I am, if I repeat it often enough I may even start to believe it myself...... At this I failed miserably by the way, ended up in hospital on a drip but rather than stay there and recuperate, I discharge myself and am back at work the next day, that way no one knows and I just keep on hiding ......... what they don't know they can't worry about, not that any of them would anyway.
I spent time with someone (the only someone who seemed to notice I was suffering) over the weekend that I was convinced I was over, turns out I've been doing what I'm best at, I've been hiding things from myself......yep I'm about as over him as I would be a hole in my head which has just reinforced my guilt feelings because as much as I do "love" (yes I use the word very loosely here ) him, there is no spark, there is no electricity, nothing. Why the guilt you ask. The guilt is from the simple fact that almost all the spark belongs to someone else, a someone I admit to caring about (finally something I'm not hiding) but shouldn't.
Then of course there the other things about myself I'm hiding from just about everyone. Yes there are a couple of people aware of what I'm hiding but thats only because they are part of what I'm hiding. This is causing me more guilt because I hate keeping secrets..........but these are secrets that need to be kept to protect others as much as myself.
This naturally means I can't come clean to the extent that I want to which leaves me still hiding things, still lying to those I care about and still pretnding that everything is fine, when in fact it is so far from fine it's scary.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Mmmmmm
Have you ever really listened to these words??? Talk about a turn of phrase .......
Your body is a wonderland
We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Something 'bout the way
the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take
when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
You want love?
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland
We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Something 'bout the way
the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take
when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
You want love?
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Linger......yes you do have to
Ok so I'll admit I've hauled out the old cd's again and have heard a couple of songs this morning that I love the words to but this one has to be my all time fave........The cranberries not only a good fruit.....
Linger
If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Linger
If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Whenever I need you
Hello...
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure youre there alone
Cuz imTrying to explain
Somethings wrong
You just dont sound the same
Why dont you
Why dont you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello...
Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
But not the way
Im missing you
Whats new
Hows the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close
but it feels like youre so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What Im left imagining
In my mind
My mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of meThink of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Seems to be all I can think these days
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure youre there alone
Cuz imTrying to explain
Somethings wrong
You just dont sound the same
Why dont you
Why dont you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello...
Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
But not the way
Im missing you
Whats new
Hows the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close
but it feels like youre so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What Im left imagining
In my mind
My mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of meThink of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Seems to be all I can think these days
Lifes greatest joke
Just when I had started to believe things where finally going right, there it was............life.........and it just had to prove me wrong.
Thursday had me believing but by Friday, lets just say the destruction of said belief was well underway.
Turns out that the good news we had about a friend turned to seriously bad news and the 2 years that we possibly had has now turned into 6 - 8 months if we're lucky and thats only if we get extremely lucky. But wait as they say in the infomercials there is more.....the next phone call I receive........death in the extended family ...... yay another funeral........... but wait...... yes there is more........... my aunt has just recieved a death sentence I'm told by email, she has a anurism in the brain that the medical aid wont pay for surgery on. Yep seems a 2nd anurism in less than a year is beyond the medical aids multi million rand resources and they like most of us do not have roughly R70k lying around to pay for the surgery themselves, so it's just a matter of time before the next phone call.
The result of course was an extremely blue me, a me that was and still is questioning the fairness of life and why it is that when things seem to be going well for the first time in a long time this has had to happen.
The answer I have come up with may not be the right one but it works for me so I will believe it till it is proven otherwise. My answer?? Life was just reminding me that it can all be gone in an instant and that it's time to start appreciating the small things and the good times when you do have them because who knows how long it will be before they are gone and if they will ever be back again.
Thursday had me believing but by Friday, lets just say the destruction of said belief was well underway.
Turns out that the good news we had about a friend turned to seriously bad news and the 2 years that we possibly had has now turned into 6 - 8 months if we're lucky and thats only if we get extremely lucky. But wait as they say in the infomercials there is more.....the next phone call I receive........death in the extended family ...... yay another funeral........... but wait...... yes there is more........... my aunt has just recieved a death sentence I'm told by email, she has a anurism in the brain that the medical aid wont pay for surgery on. Yep seems a 2nd anurism in less than a year is beyond the medical aids multi million rand resources and they like most of us do not have roughly R70k lying around to pay for the surgery themselves, so it's just a matter of time before the next phone call.
The result of course was an extremely blue me, a me that was and still is questioning the fairness of life and why it is that when things seem to be going well for the first time in a long time this has had to happen.
The answer I have come up with may not be the right one but it works for me so I will believe it till it is proven otherwise. My answer?? Life was just reminding me that it can all be gone in an instant and that it's time to start appreciating the small things and the good times when you do have them because who knows how long it will be before they are gone and if they will ever be back again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
