It's over

yaaaaay......it's seems the drought is finally over. I managed to get some stuff on "paper" today that turned into to posts, although the intention was to post them seperately I think they are related so I'm going to post them both here in the order that they appeared and that makes sense to me:D

First up is no name brand........to much was touched on in this one to pick a name it was pretty much just cathartic

I’ve had a tough time in the last couple of weeks, some things have happened in my life that I have been having a more than just a little bit of a hard time dealing with. Firstly I have had to come to terms with the fact that my mom got it completely wrong. As much as I loved and respected her and realise she lived her life the best way she knew how, she got it wrong about so many things and that is really difficult to accept and compute. After all we where brought up to believe that our parents knew it all and they where the last word in what was right and wrong and good and bad. A conversation that sticks out in my head was had between us many years ago, it was the typical mother daughter chat (funny how it was always a chat, never a discussion). At the time I was dating someone that my mom must have seen as a prospective son in law, because this was one of those chats, yep she finally decided that at 24 it was time that she had that chat with me, a little late but I listened, I thought that maybe at last some great wisdom was going to be imparted. Boy was I wrong. I remember vividly how she sat me down and began with the warning that as she put it, “sex is nothing but a messy, mostly unwanted chore to be performed occasionally to keep the peace” her other pearl of wisdom for that day was that she would never understand anyone who said that they enjoyed any of it especially anything other than “missionary sex”, that was after all against nature. Now by that stage I had figured out for myself that I enjoyed sex and the last thing it was, was a chore. I had always known my parents where not happy (the fights where not the only sign even though they had tried to hide them or gloss them over as a normal part of marriage, but that and my views on marriage are a whole different post if not more). It made me realise just how unhappy they must have really been to feel that way about something that to me had never been anything but a pleasure except maybe that first time (also another story that needs telling but not now). This was also the beginning of a strange guilt for me. Yes I started to feel guilty for enjoying something that had obviously never been a pleasure for my mom. Here I was enjoying sex in some cases with someone that was nothing more than a ship passing in the night and my mom had never experienced that with someone who she admitted to have at some stage “loved”. It’s funny really but it wasn’t till recently when I started trying to figure out why I was fighting so hard against what I had realised I wanted (and yes sex makes up an integral part of what it is I want) that I started to examine when I had started to see some of the things I had enjoyed previously as wrong. And yes that chat with my mom kept on cropping up. But stranger still was that my behaviour after that chat had changed, I had slowly stopped seeing the guys I was seeing, it was as if something or in this case someone had literally stolen the joy and enjoyment out of our relationships. I suddenly went from being a girl who could be the life and soul of a party to being a girl who hated to party, who suddenly started avoiding the very people who had started me on the path to where I have finally arrived today. It wasn’t long after this chat that my ego suffered its death knell. The very guy who had inspired this chat from my mom and who had introduced me to the pleasure that could be derived from pain and submission and just how empowering it was to dominate or at least had opened my eyes to it decided to leave me. That I’m sure I could have dealt with what I had trouble with was the reasons he gave me for ending it. His first reason or at least that’s how he put it was that I had started to pull away from him and had stopped wanting to be with him, that the fun had gone out of our relationship. Yes we had had fun, sex had been about fun and exploring and experimenting for us both and I had suddenly lost my ability to have that kind of fun. It’s funny but the second reason also indirectly had to do with my lack of enthusiasm as far as experimenting went. He had decided that he wanted to explore another side of his sexuality and he didn’t think I was the girl to go there with him since I was obviously no longer into what we had been doing. So the end to our relationship had been my fault, the guilt about what I was doing had won. It’s funny I saw him years later and when we spoke about it, it was actually a route I would have willingly have gone with him, it had always been something I had thought about and probably would have acted on if not for that conversation with my mom. The strange thing about this is though that the hard time I’ve been having recently was started by a conversation I had with someone. And with that someone setting me a task to do with fantasies. I didn’t realise it at the time (had too much fun doing the task to realise anything). But one of the things we talked about brought back all the guilt and shame my mom managed to instil in that one chat. This sent me into a spiral of feeling guilty for what I want, then feeling bad for feeling guilty, then some more guilt for feeling bad about feeling guilty and so it went till the other night when I just couldn’t take anymore and I set myself a little project. So I sat myself down with each of these fantasies that had started this and made myself a list of why I should feel guilty for wanting it, a list of what I have or think I will enjoy about each one and finally a list of the reasons I want to do what ever it is that each fantasy represents …….sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it well after 3 days of disrupted attempts to get it done I finally finished it yesterday morning and I would love to say the guilt is gone but it’s not. But I have made the first steps to finally killing the guilt I will shortly start to remind myself of some of the things I loved about sex, bought and paid for and hopefully eventually totally guilt free. I’m also working on having someone to start the exploration with again, I know who I want it to be but just in case I’m working on a back up plan and no the back up plan does not need batteries. I have also realised that our parents are sometimes the last people we should listen to, the advise they give is coloured by the experiences they have had and what they deem to be not enjoyable, wrong, messy and painful may just be what you need to set you free and make you into the complete person you are meant to be no matter who that person may be. So yes in the last couple of weeks I have learnt a lot about who I am and why and what I want, I haven’t laughed all that much but I’m starting to again, I have loved my parents a little less but also a little more and I have decided that it is my life to live regardless of who says or thinks what and I am going to give living it the way I want to my very best shot……………

and secondly I have Normal .....not that there is anything normal about it

I have this picture in my mind that I’ve been trying to get rid of for the last week at least. It is a picture that in a normal frame of reference should freak me out and make me want to run away from the person that put it there as fast as I can instead I find myself wanting to run towards this person and this picture. It is a picture that is contrary to everything I was forced to believe where “normal”. It is a picture that most people would associate with someone being perverted and strange and yet this very picture has stuck in my head, and yes I find it extremely intriguing and quite frankly a total turn on. This picture has even evolved into a whole new set of fantasies that as little as 3 months ago would have totally freaked me out. But what has intrigued me even more than this picture that is so solidly stuck in my head is the fact that it has forced me to examine exactly what is normal and whose frame of reference exactly should we be using to determine what we think is normal. Do we use what we are taught by our parents? Because if that’s the case I’m so far from what my parents would have considered normal it would have scared the life out of them…. Do we use the frame of reference we develop at school? Because to me that is even more warped then the beliefs my parents tried to instil in me. Do we use our friends as a frame of reference for what should be normal…..Because in that case, what I’m getting from some of them, has me on a path straight to a life in a nunnery at best and some of the others would have me doing things that I’m quite sure would shock those nunnery bound friends straight into an early grave… So I’ve come to the conclusion that there really is no such thing as normal…each of us has to decide for ourselves exactly what we are willing to do and not do and thereby establish our own normal and no matter how far removed from someone else’s normal yours is as long as you treat the others in your life with respect, kindness and caring you should be allowed to continue your journey to establishing your normal and maybe you will get very lucky and find someone whose normal corresponds with what you have established as your normal at least in some small way. So as long as you are living, loving and laughing maybe just maybe you will find a normal that works for you and that you can enjoy because trust me that’s what I aim to do no matter what anyone else thinks. So yes lesson learned…accept your normal and live it to make it the best normal you possibly can