WTF!!!!

I wrote this last Saturday morning but never posted it because I couldn't get online, I wasn't going to share it because I'm not very proud of what I was thinking and who it made me but I decided this morning that it was a part of me that I could actually share and maybe even be proud of after all, because in a small way it shows just how far I've really come

"My life has become one viscous circle after another it seems.

Not only am I exhausted and not sleeping which is pretty much becoming par for the course for me but I seem to be back on the people roller coaster.

Months ago I stopped seeing someone because of how he made me feel. I left almost every encounter feeling unworthy, unloveable and basically unhappy and there was just no spark which is in sharp contrast to what I have with someone else. Walking away wasn't difficult and forgetting was even easier. So tell me what the h3ll I'm doing even considering his plea for a second chance???? He's all the things I should want, he's a lot of the things I need but I feel nothing for him and yet I'm still considering it and that scares me.

Am I becoming that girl who I've been fighting so hard to get away from, that girl I've never wanted to be? That girl my mother wanted me to be? The girl who settles just because it's safe.........

Am I ready to give up on myself and my happiness and who I'm becoming and settle for being made to feel all those things I hate again. Do I put my brief moments spent with someone who makes me happy and leaves me content aside for long drawn out moments of unhappiness and discontent, do I put aside excitement and passion for boring and well boring, do I put aside someone I care about just because it's complicated for someone I thought I could care about but eventually didn't, do I put aside shared interests for nothing in common, do I put aside learning and exploring who I am and can be for a rut, do I put aside myself and become nothing again???

I don't know, it seems an easy answer when I put it like that. I have so much to lose if I do, do this, not least of which is myself and the chance to be who I'm meant to be and yet I've been considering it...........................WTF!!!!!!!! "

You'll be glad (well maybe) to know that since then I had those moments, yes the ones I still can't get in a straight enough line to put on "paper" and share. And they made me realise that I'm no longer that person, the person who can settle for something she doesn't want even if it appears to be the thing I need. I have decided I don't under any circumstances want to lose me or who I'm becoming and I'm in this fight till the end to become the me I'm meant to be. I've spent nearly a year now making strides forward and even a few backwards, but I can honestly say that for the first time in a very long time even though things are a little bumpy right now I'm glad to be me.