??????

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something so badly but also known that as soon as you say the words everything between you will change, that nothing can or will ever be the same between you again???

I feel that way at the moment and worse than that not with one but rather three different people. And then I wonder why I feel like I’m losing my grip. Well I’ve decided to tighten my grip and say what I want to here knowing full well that not one of these people know about this blog or is ever likely to read it. I know that it pretty much defeat’s the purpose but maybe if I get it all out I’ll be able to deal and move forward.

Firstly to my brother, for heaven’s sake grow up. I am not here to clean up after you, I am not here to cook and clean for you and I am not here to bow to your every whim and demand. Don’t you get it I’m your sister NOT your mother, your wife or your maid. I have a life of my own and am entitled to just as much if not more freedom as you are. Our lives are a two way street and it’s time you start to give a little of what you take. I have looked after you for so long I’d forgotten myself well no more, it’s my turn from here on out you pull your weight or you get the hell out. I am not carrying the load alone a minute longer.

To the man I love, yes what a fool I’ve been I know but after nearly 9 years it’s time to let you go. I finally get it. I may feel it and may have wanted it, everyone else may see it but you never will, you’re so damn oblivious, you don’t even see that you’re losing the one thing you claim to be looking for and it’s been under your nose all along. I’m finished I can’t do it anymore, I can’t wait for you to realise what you have. I wont waste another moment trying to read what you say to me or the way you react to the threat of there being other men in my life. Yes we’ve all seen that as well and I’m walking away. I may lose one of my best friends but to bad I’m not letting you hold me back and stop me becoming who I am becoming just because you are to blind to see what you’ve had all along

To my boss, stop being such a bloody control freak, I know my job, I’m capable of doing it without you holding my hand and checking up on me every five minutes. So either trust me to do what you appointed me to do or tell me to go. Your micro managing every second of my time is not funny and it isn’t going to inspire me or make me work any harder quite the contrary actually. Rather take a look at your other staff who aren’t bringing in sales even though that was what they where appointed to do and get paid for and leave me the hell alone to do what I’m doing, it’s making you money and keeping your bills paid. And for the last time what I do after hours has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and as such who I spend my time with and what their beliefs etc are has less than zero to do with you. And just so there is no misunderstanding it you will NEVER meet any of them no matter what their intentions.

So go ahead call me selfish, self centred, self absorbed and all the other things you want to call me. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before and wont hear them again from you and others. Go ahead tell me again how I never give, the only reason I don’t is because there is nothing left to give, you lot have already taken it all. It may hurt but guess what it’s only going to make me more determined to make the changes and become who I’m working on becoming. Like it or not it’s my turn now and it’s time I look out for me and if that means losing you to bad, I may not want to live without you but I will learn to if I have to.

And lastly to the one person who gets me, yes you know who you are. I just want to say that I would willingly trade the lifetime of what I’ve had with these others, for the time we have spent chatting. Never mind anything else and I hope that someday I’ll be able to be there for you the way you have been there for me. In fact I look forward to being able to give to you the way you have given to me. Thank you.

So from here on out I’m going to live my life by my rules, love those I love and hopefully learn the lessons I’m supposed to without to many repeats and if I have my way there will be a lot more laughter then there has been till now.

Why

is it when you're happy with who you're becoming no one else is????

Hiding......... time to come clean

Yep, I've spent the last week hiding so much from so many that I've even started to believe myself, but maybe it's time to come clean even if it's only here where I'm pretty sure nobody who knows me will ever read my confessions

It started last week when my ulcer started giving me hassles, it was so bad this time that I felt at times that I wanted to die but do I say anything?? No of course not.... I paste on my smile, kick my personality up a gear and everyone falls for it....I'm fine is all I say when asked how I am, if I repeat it often enough I may even start to believe it myself...... At this I failed miserably by the way, ended up in hospital on a drip but rather than stay there and recuperate, I discharge myself and am back at work the next day, that way no one knows and I just keep on hiding ......... what they don't know they can't worry about, not that any of them would anyway.

I spent time with someone (the only someone who seemed to notice I was suffering) over the weekend that I was convinced I was over, turns out I've been doing what I'm best at, I've been hiding things from myself......yep I'm about as over him as I would be a hole in my head which has just reinforced my guilt feelings because as much as I do "love" (yes I use the word very loosely here ) him, there is no spark, there is no electricity, nothing. Why the guilt you ask. The guilt is from the simple fact that almost all the spark belongs to someone else, a someone I admit to caring about (finally something I'm not hiding) but shouldn't.

Then of course there the other things about myself I'm hiding from just about everyone. Yes there are a couple of people aware of what I'm hiding but thats only because they are part of what I'm hiding. This is causing me more guilt because I hate keeping secrets..........but these are secrets that need to be kept to protect others as much as myself.

This naturally means I can't come clean to the extent that I want to which leaves me still hiding things, still lying to those I care about and still pretnding that everything is fine, when in fact it is so far from fine it's scary.

Mmmmmm

Have you ever really listened to these words??? Talk about a turn of phrase .......

Your body is a wonderland

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way
the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take
when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

Linger......yes you do have to

Ok so I'll admit I've hauled out the old cd's again and have heard a couple of songs this morning that I love the words to but this one has to be my all time fave........The cranberries not only a good fruit.....

Linger

If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Whenever I need you

Hello...
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you

Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure youre there alone
Cuz imTrying to explain
Somethings wrong
You just dont sound the same

Why dont you
Why dont you
Go outside
Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello...
Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
But not the way
Im missing you
Whats new
Hows the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close
but it feels like youre so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What Im left imagining
In my mind
My mind
Would you go
Would you go

Kiss the rain

As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of meThink of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)

Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

Seems to be all I can think these days

Lifes greatest joke

Just when I had started to believe things where finally going right, there it was............life.........and it just had to prove me wrong.

Thursday had me believing but by Friday, lets just say the destruction of said belief was well underway.

Turns out that the good news we had about a friend turned to seriously bad news and the 2 years that we possibly had has now turned into 6 - 8 months if we're lucky and thats only if we get extremely lucky. But wait as they say in the infomercials there is more.....the next phone call I receive........death in the extended family ...... yay another funeral........... but wait...... yes there is more........... my aunt has just recieved a death sentence I'm told by email, she has a anurism in the brain that the medical aid wont pay for surgery on. Yep seems a 2nd anurism in less than a year is beyond the medical aids multi million rand resources and they like most of us do not have roughly R70k lying around to pay for the surgery themselves, so it's just a matter of time before the next phone call.

The result of course was an extremely blue me, a me that was and still is questioning the fairness of life and why it is that when things seem to be going well for the first time in a long time this has had to happen.

The answer I have come up with may not be the right one but it works for me so I will believe it till it is proven otherwise. My answer?? Life was just reminding me that it can all be gone in an instant and that it's time to start appreciating the small things and the good times when you do have them because who knows how long it will be before they are gone and if they will ever be back again.