a final step

I am not sure that I am suicidal but I do finally know what it feels like to be in such immense and overwhelming emotional pain that no matter how I look at it ending it seems the only viable option.

I have hit that brick wall where living with the pain has stopped making sense,  where I can't explain it, where no matter what I say it sounds crazy because how the hell do you explain something that you don't understand yourself.

It feels as if my soul is breaking into a million pieces, as if I dropped something fragile and precious and I have no hope of ever finding all the pieces or putting them all back together again.

Here I sit on what would have been my mother's 64th birthday alone, in tears and close to hysterical, facing things that I cant explain because I don't understand them myself.

I am suddenly terrified of the fact that I am alone.
I am terrified of the idea that at any moment my life will end and I have done nothing.
I have no one to call mine,
no children,
no family,
no successful career,
no home of my own,
I even have to rely on others to do things like my shopping.
All I have to show for my existence are a few meager possessions that weren't even mine to begin with.

Don't get me wrong I have 2 of the best friends a girl could ever want and who I am there for no questions asked, I have children that I couldn't love more if I had given birth to them myself and yes there is someone, someone who has given me the freedom to be myself, someone who showed me the way to myself, someone I would gladly die for and who I think cares about me as well in his own way.

And there is lays the rub I guess, how can I still be so scared, so sad, so hurt, how can I still need and want more. How can I be so needy, inconsiderate and even selfish when I have so much more than so many others? How can I be sitting here in so much pain praying for an end to it all?

I can't put the pain or emotions into words, I can't explain the simplest thing like needing to be held and comforted, I can't even explain why I can't bring myself to beg this time, all I know is I can't, I need it to be about me.

So yes, all I really do know I guess is that I am in too much pain to keep going and I have to find a way to end the pain whatever that ends up being