*sigh*

It's no secret to anyone who cares to notice that I've been having a really hard time of late.
Things in my life have been spiraling for a while and every time I think I've hit rock bottom something else comes along to knock me down just that little bit more.

There was my diagnosis of an illness that I had hoped to avoid after watching my dad suffer from the pain it inflicts for nearly 15 years and that I'm nearly 20 years younger than he was when he was diagnosed. The pain is excrutiating to say the least and it will only ever get worse. Yes there are things I can do that may help and there are medications that will help with the other symptoms like high blood pressure induced by the pain but it's pretty much now just a lifetime of pain management.

There was the final removal of  the hope that I will ever have a family of my own thanks in no small part to an incident in my early 20's. With this came the realisation that I will always be on the outside looking in when it comes to families, as well as the knowledge that I will have no legacy, I won't be leaving anyone behind that I had a hand in creating and it's not only myself I'm letting down here.

There was the final death of a friendship that I had hoped to save, that for the most part of the last 12 years had been a huge part of keeping me on track but has been dying slowly for the last few years due to the influence of others. It hurt to know that someone I thought of as knowing me almost better than anyone else, who had been there holding my hand through some of the worst things I had been through including the deaths of both my parents could be turned against me by the pettiness and insecurities of others. And the irony that as much as he hurt me I still wish him and his new family nothing but the happiness they deserve.

There was the end of a really strange realtionship with someone who everyone else called my stalker and yes it was a toxic and unhealthy relationship but he at least wanted to spend his time looking out for me and being with me dammit. Nobody else seems to want to.

And theres not getting paid in full, my rent going up by nearly 25%, job insecurity, and a myriad of other things all designed to make me feel like the worlds biggests disappointment  to everyone I know and failure at everything thats important.

And I'm supposed to paste a smile on my face a pretend everything is ok, I DON'T THINK SO......................