Alice in Matrixland

*sigh*

It's no secret to anyone who cares to notice that I've been having a really hard time of late.
Things in my life have been spiraling for a while and every time I think I've hit rock bottom something else comes along to knock me down just that little bit more.

There was my diagnosis of an illness that I had hoped to avoid after watching my dad suffer from the pain it inflicts for nearly 15 years and that I'm nearly 20 years younger than he was when he was diagnosed. The pain is excrutiating to say the least and it will only ever get worse. Yes there are things I can do that may help and there are medications that will help with the other symptoms like high blood pressure induced by the pain but it's pretty much now just a lifetime of pain management.

There was the final removal of  the hope that I will ever have a family of my own thanks in no small part to an incident in my early 20's. With this came the realisation that I will always be on the outside looking in when it comes to families, as well as the knowledge that I will have no legacy, I won't be leaving anyone behind that I had a hand in creating and it's not only myself I'm letting down here.

There was the final death of a friendship that I had hoped to save, that for the most part of the last 12 years had been a huge part of keeping me on track but has been dying slowly for the last few years due to the influence of others. It hurt to know that someone I thought of as knowing me almost better than anyone else, who had been there holding my hand through some of the worst things I had been through including the deaths of both my parents could be turned against me by the pettiness and insecurities of others. And the irony that as much as he hurt me I still wish him and his new family nothing but the happiness they deserve.

There was the end of a really strange realtionship with someone who everyone else called my stalker and yes it was a toxic and unhealthy relationship but he at least wanted to spend his time looking out for me and being with me dammit. Nobody else seems to want to.

And theres not getting paid in full, my rent going up by nearly 25%, job insecurity, and a myriad of other things all designed to make me feel like the worlds biggests disappointment  to everyone I know and failure at everything thats important.

And I'm supposed to paste a smile on my face a pretend everything is ok, I DON'T THINK SO......................

No denying it

I

guess there really is nothing left to say but I am sorry and goodbye.....................

Day 5

Happy Birthday Mom,

We miss you

Who I am

Trying

really hard to become heartless, sadly I still care too much :/

Funny how I'm always the one who cares enough to make the time to say hi, how are you, I miss you but I'm hardly ever the one on the recieving end of those sentiments. Wish it didn't hurt so much knowing I'm an after thought who is only worth  spending thier time with when they have absolutely nothing else to do and dont feel like spending time alone, all I ever have is ALONE and  not one of them realises just how much they hurt me with things like that.

Maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to have someone think this about me, until then I will think it of you and hope that you realise just what you've meant to me despite the tears

No words

 can describe the pain of a broken soul

No need to say more is there

Either

I'm brave or I'm stupid, but I can't do another day like the last few weeks so I'm off to "brave" our public transport system in search of some light. "fingers crossed" this wasn't like all my other ideas really stupid.

Trying

so hard not to fall apart even though I'm broken inside :o(

The truth hurts

How

it feels to be me right now. Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time .................

Why, oh why

did I expect anything other than more disappointment?  Why do I still let myself want anything, it's so obvious I'm nothing more than an after thought and all they ever do is hurt me and make me feel unwanted anyway. I'm such a bloody fool, I'll never learn will I. I really wish this would all just end now.

tired of being taken for granted

Never again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you are all proud

Seems to me

that everyone I care about gets a huge kick out of making me cry over and over again.
I so wish I could do this without people because people REALLY SUCK!!!!!!!

I've run out of brave

I hope you do because I no longer can

Hello

Please, please, please......can't keep doing this