Yes I am

And screwing up spectacularly everyday

 

Day 1 of

So very tired of being strong alone

R.I.P

In Memory of

The girl I used to be

The hope I used to have

The love I gave so freely

A heart that cared to much

and got broken once to often.

A soul that yearned to be enough

but never was.

 

May you never know the pain I've known

at the hands of the cards I was dealt

Negative, shemgative, you excpet anything else after the way you've all treated me?

If the last 48 hours has taught me anything it's how useless and pathetic I am for caring.
I really should have known better than to think anybody wouldgive a damn whether I was alone or not and clearly not one of them thinks I'm worth including in thier lives.

Family braai why invite your sister.
One of my closest friends birthdays, why include me even though you knew very well I wouldn't have been able to come.
Ask me to make snacks for a quiet evening in with friends and then after I spend 3 hours making said snacks tell me to make myself scarce this is for you and your friends only.
When I ask if you want to have coffee tell me you cant make it because you've just washed your car and you're worried it will rain.
When I ask if we can do movies tell me you're already at the movies in the queue to see Les Misrables a movie you promised to take me too knowing full well I haven't been to a movie in 6 years.

And then I get told I'm negative this morning, well excuse me but the 6 of the 7 people that mean the most in the world to me all managed to kick me in the teeth and prove to me that I'm absolute fool for caring about a single one of them in one night, how the hell do you expect me to feel.

Thank you for showing me the error in my ways, obviously caring and wanting the best for someone has no place in your worlds and I'm clearly better off alone

I was

starting to believe this but now.........
Now I'm not so sure,
I can't compete with the grand gestures.
All I have to give is myself and little things
and for most that will never be enough................

There really is nothing else to say

Running out of time .....................

Memories

Saw this and it made me think of a conversation I had with someone very special a long time ago about things that were commercial and forced down our throats and what meant more. Funny how random conversations like that stick, I miss them.

Would I be happy I wonder?

Trying to decide which season I'm in

The story of my soul ..................................broken

Yes they do

Maybe,

Someday I will find my way to where I'm meant to be

If only....................

OMG, I hope so

So

Let me tell you about the last 6 days of my life .........................

Saturday
Friend 1: Help I have a wedding this afternoon and I have nothing that matches what I want to wear
Me: Drop everything, buy beads, noon deliver 3 necklaces with matching earrings and bracelets.

Crisis averted

Sunday
Boss: Cr@p seeing a client tomorrow and I haven't gotten to XYZ
Me: No problem bring it we'll get it done

6 hours later all done

Monday
Friend 2: He's such an a$$hole, he's been screwing around on me, how can I go on
Me: Got wine, a shoulder and tissues come over,

11pm friend sent home ready to face the world again

Tuesday
Housemate: We've only just gotten together how can this happen I can't live without him, how can he have to be in Cape Town for 6 months
Me: Lets have a drink, phoned guy explained situation

House mate happier because guy phoned and explained that he can't live without her and will be home every second weekend

Wednesday
Future Sister in Law: Wedding crisis the gifts we'd chosen are out of stock and wont be in stock till after the wedding
Me: We could do this, or this or maybe this

New gift chosen and me conned into making 90 of them

Thursday
Friend 1: Having cr@p at work, daughters being a bitch, cant carry on, falling apart
Me:  Lets go and get a milkshake and talk

Friend feels better and I get to work till 9.30pm catching up the time I spent putting friend back together

Friday
Me: Help feeling fragile, need some company
Friend 1: I'm having an early night
Friend 2: That means I'd have to drive home in the dark
Boss: Promised ex I'd take her to a movie
Housemate: I have more important things to do
Future Sister in Law: I'm busy as someone else


Funny how I can drop everything for everyone to my own detriment most of the time and I can't even get half an hour out of anyone when I need them

Makes me wonder if all I'm here for is everyone else's convenience and whether will I ever actually get to have 5 mins where its about me

If only i could see the world through the eyes of a child again

I could say SO much but yes.............................

Proof Positive.................

They'll keep surprising you

 

 

Stay Golden

Our lives are mere flashes of light in an infinitely empty universe. In twelve years of education the most important lesson I have learned is that what we see as “normal” living is truly a travesty of our potential. In a society governed by superficiality, appearances and petty economics, dreams are more real than anything in the “real world”.

Refuse normalcy. Beauty is everywhere, love is endless, and joy bleeds from our everyday existence. Embrace it. I love all of you, all my friends, family and community.  I am ceaselessly grateful from the bottom of my heart for everyone. The only thing I can ask of you is stay free of materialism. 

Remember that every day contains a universe of potential, exhaust it. Live and love so immensely that when death comes there is nothing left for him to take. Wealth is love, music, sport, learning, family and freedom. Above all stay gold

Dominic Owen Mallary  

Our two souls

“Mysteries of attraction could not always be

explained through logic.

Sometimes the fractures in two separate souls

became the very hinges that held them together.”

― Lisa Kleypas, Devil in Winter

Peace

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise,

trouble or hard work.

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be

calm in your heart.

 

You're my peace of mind.....

Hang on.

There are so many reasons not to let go.

 

Finally

surrendered myself to what is and living for what will be

Soul Awakening

 

“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.”
― John O'Donohue

My questions

Trying so hard

to do exactly this but I all I seem to do is cause those I love pain